If you cheated first only to be cheated on afterwards. Are you feeling like I am? Should the one who was recently cheated on have more of the right to be angry? -- or should it be seen as retribution? In the case of a one-night stand vs. 9 month affair, what does the fact that the affair lasted 9 months mean...other than the obvious? Need to compare and contrast my conclusions with yours.

BB,<P>I had a brief (< 3 mos.)EA 2 years ago.Now I am the betrayed (H's affair 9 - 10 mos. old)<P>Do I feel I have a right to be angrier - NO<P>I feel I did the WRONG thing then, and my H had EVERY right to be angry with me. On the other hand, I feel my H is doing WRONG now, and I have every right to feel angry.<P>In one way, I feel PART of the reason my H is having an affair right now is as retaliation for my EA 2 years ago. <P>We talked a little on this Tuesday and I will tell you this: I have forgiven him for this on-going physical affair, and he has NOT forgiven me for the EA from 2 yeqars ago. I told him (for the 1,000th time!) that I forgive him. I also told him that I hope you day he will forgive me and that I have never known anyone to hold a grudge as long as him!! He said nothing, because he knows it is true.<P>Roll Me Away

It seems to be the same situation... kind of. I think there were more factors involved. (See complicated...Green Card) Things have been getting a little better with H but I filed for divorce yesterday. He's fully aware of the fact that I did. He's been nicer for a while..our last major confrontation being a seven days ago which sad to say is considered "a while" -sigh!- I wonder if you could talk TOO much about the OW to the cheating H... D-day (called OW) was 26th October.. I found months worth of love letters 6th October (they weren't explicit enough to tell me beyond the shadow of a doubt -- or I was just in denial) <BR>H refuses to talk to me about the OW anymore.. I tell him he needs to help me heal.. am I selfish for saying that? I remember my own reaction when he confronted me with my infidelity and I remembered that I acted in the same way as he...aloof, irritated, and just wanting to get away. I remember what he said to me the night after I confronted the OW and after which OW told H to go to H#LL...He said, "I'm going to make you pay" What could he have possibly meant by that?

I guess it means he doesn't want his relationship over with the OW until HE decides - could be that he is p1ssed off at you for "interferring".<P>I have also thought about calling or writing to the OW. I even talked to my H about it,. and he encouraged me to do so if I wanted. Go figure......! I think he would enjoy the cat-fight! But, I decided against it. Only our H's can decide to end their affairs, to want to come back to us and to work on our marriages. Everything else if FLUFF!<P>I do agree that we are probably dealing with an element of retaliation in these affairs.<P>I feel really down tonight - I don't know why - just sort of all kinda caving in on me right now -I hope I am not bringing you down - I usually try to be positive - but, I am struggling right now...<P>Roll Me Away

Keep your chin up RMA! It's really just the changing landscape of life.. or as I see it! Life gets easier as it progresses.. believe me.. It's been only a few weeks since the whole drama and although I feel like crap half the time, I refuse to cry over the spilt milk.. I just want to understand why and what caused the milk to spill to prevent it from happening to another carton. Get it?<BR>H says he still loves me.. (I'm thinking..RIGHT!!) But upon self-reflection, I realize that perhaps he does. I did the same thing to him and felt the same way. And like me, he refused to go to counseling. I just didn't want to be bothered or REMINDED of what I did was basically it. I saw the hurt, I saw the pain and I was unmoved.. completely UNMOVED for the longest time. That's just it TIME.... that's all it really takes. I won't deny the fact that I still do love H but as I said before, the factors are very different in my case. Or so it seems. "I went overboard in his retaliation against your cheating," he says...it was his way of apologizing...not the way I want him to say sorry but hey...pineapples don't taste like strawberries and they never will.<P>KEEP FAITH RMA. THINGS WORK OUT IF THEy'RE SUPPOSED TO... NEVER FORGET THAT.

BB,<P>I really appreciate your kind words. I know in my head and tell others the same thing -p it will work out the way it does. I am a prayful person who REALLY believes that if one door shuts, God will put another open door there for us - we may have to look for it, but it is there, nonetheless.<P>Somehow, tonight I am just feeling BLUE, BLUE, BLUE...I don't really know why this has hit me so bad tonight, it just has...<P>I think it was seeing my H twice this week - in between his trips with the OW - it just seems TOO MUCH....like, if he doesn't want me, why can't he just go away and be with the woman he loves and I can heal faster.... I think I am also stressing a bit about this - I have been seeing my counselor for 4 1/2 months every week, and I really LOVE the guy. I feel I am helped tremendously by the counsleing (of course, who woule believe that by my current posts?). Anyway, because of the holiday, I have to wait 2 weeks to see him and I think that has me a bit stressed, too.<P>I hope to God I am not overcome like this for Thanksgiving next week - I am trying so hard to be a pillar and role-model for my children...for them to see and understand that tragedy and unhappiness strikes EVERYONE at some point in their life, and you have to just face it, accept it and move forward...not much of a role-model right now...so far only 1 son seen me bluburring like an idiot.....<P>So sorry...took over you post...<P>Roll Me Away