Tonight big fight with H. He is not hearing<BR>me. He listens but doesn't HEAR me. I suggested counceling and he is not wanting <BR>that. I did find out tonight that deep down<BR>he feels I am going to make him pay for what<BR>he has done and therefore he is reluctant to<BR>hear all my feelings on how I am trying to<BR>get through this and how he could work to<BR>get through this so we can work together. I<BR>told him he needs to look at everything to try and understand what and why this happened. By the way I never mentioned this<BR>is his third marriage and my first. He just<BR>wants to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. That is what he has always said before<BR>when he had arguments but I always ended up<BR>working at our marriage and he didn't. Now<BR>I cannot accept the "Wipe the Slate Clean"<BR>statement on this one. And I am not the kind<BR>of person who seeks revenge. I have worked too hard at this marriage. I am NOT a vedictive person and never have been. But if<BR>he really thinks I intend to make him pay for<BR>this He NEVER REALLY KNEW ME AT ALL. I feel <BR>the reason he has such feelings is because he<BR>feels deep down he deserves to pay for it in<BR>some way. But I am right now considering<BR>telling him to leave. I refuse to do all the<BR>work on this while he sits back and waits for<BR>ME to inform him on what to do and say. I feel if he really loves me I shouldn't have<BR>to spoon feed him on how to talk to me, act<BR>with me, Love me. I feel I have been too<BR>good, too patient and perhaps too blind to<BR>see the sad truth. And for being all this to<BR>him my reward was him having sex with OW.<BR>I feel like the biggest fool.<BR>

distressed2,<P>Take a deep breath... <P>Your life is in extreme upheaval now...<BR>Don't act in haste!<P>You do need to sit down and evaluate whether you want to save your marriage... I think you do, or why else, why have you come to this forum?<P>If you've decided to save it... realize it will take alot of work... and sad as it may sound... alot more sacrafices on <B>your</B> part initially, more than from your H. <P><B>Many</B> of us have been(are) in your shoes... and they are unenviable! If you want to start and do it the "Dr. Harley" way then try not to make the early mistakes many (including me) made.<P>First off... with full thought... avoid <B>all</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>! This is hard because a gamut of emotions are tearing at you... hate... disgust... anger... fear... <P>But you can guarantee to push your H with full force toward the OW... and make your work to rebuild with him 10X harder... if you love bust! No Love Busters is the main element of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>, and you've got to learn all about it! You can learn from the web site (click on the underlined words in my reply to you), and from the books, especially <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley, and by reading, posting and replying at this forum.<P>Your <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I refuse to do all the work on this while he sits back and waits for ME to inform him on what to do and say. I feel if he really loves me I shouldn't have to spoon feed him on how to talk to me, act with me, Love me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> hit a chord with me... for two reasons...<BR>1. Your H's affair may mean that <B>yes</B>... you're going to have to do <B>most</B> if not all of the work... that is why the people at this forum are here... to support each other during this hard process.<BR>2. The "spoon feeding" part is something my wife said to me many times... I hate to say it... men are dense... but there is a better way to deal with us than spoon feeding... a "communication building" process has to start up... unfortuntely for you, right now, you've got to make the decision... 'do you want to start "marriage building" now?' Think long and hard...<P>But remember... <B>You are <I>not</I> ALONE</B>! <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

NSR really said it all. Although it is unfair, the bulk of the work on marital restoration falls to the betrayed. The reason why is that the betrayer just isn't thinking straight! If they were, they could see that they are doing destructive things and basing important life decisions without enough infor (most betrayers seem willing to throw out the S and marriage based on knowing the OP for a very short time - weeks or a few months!).<P>So, as NSR said, if you want your marriage to survive, YOU have got to take the lead and do the work. You can do it, too. If you give your all and things don't work out, you will still be better off. You will have learned the skills and critical success factors of a good marriage; you will have learned about important emotional needs and how important communication is; you will have found coping skills you never knew you had; you will have been able to work through destructive issues like anger and resentment; the list goes on....<P>Work on the things YOU can change. Hopefully your S will see these changes and e motivated to work with you on your marriage.<P>Best of luck...<P>Roll Me Away<P>

NSR & Roll Me Away,<P>I have calmed down now. Thank you both for your replies. Yes, I must think long and hard. I do want my marriage and I have to learn more on how to get through this if it<BR>is to be saved. I know this. And it is difficult to say the very least. Right now my<BR>H refuses to look at what he did, he said he<BR>is not thinking straight, etc. But is really<BR>adamant on NOT wanting to examine his reason<BR>for being with OW. I think he is wanting to block it like he has always done with many other things in the past. Should I let him do this? I could use his help, but it just may be that I will have to resign myself to work this through without it. Yes, it would be wonderful if we had someone to love us the way we love our husbands. I will read the elements of Plan A. And continue the soul<BR>searching and Prayers. I can not express enough how much all this support means to me.<BR>Two days after being told of OW I began searching the internet and found this site. Even though my pain cuts deeper than anything I have ever felt, this site and all of you here are a great comfort and it can only make me a better person. Hopefully, from all this I am going through I will emerge with greater insights for myself and be able to help others going through betrayal. Sometimes when we focus on others we help ourselves as well. And that is what I see here. Wonderful people reaching out to help and share. Thank you all and God Bless you all.

Devestated2,<P>Roll Me away, and NSR have given me alot of strenght to do what is right. I want to save my marriage, and I'm doing allthe work. My wife is caught up in this addiction. It's hard but I believe the pay off will be worth it. Keep osting and replying to posts and read. there is alot of expeience, strenght, and hope here.<P>Hang In<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>