I am totally new to the site, though not to Harley's books. The last few days I have been reading many posts, and it really has helped me.<P>I have only known about my H's infidelity for 3 weeks, so I'm in a different state than many who are writing. But I have a big question, am I the only schizzophrenic? I hear only the sob stories - the pain and the anger. For me, there has been a tremendous amount of both, I was completely blindsided with this - six weeks ago I was beginning to hear he was thinking of leaving, but with no idea where any of this was coming from.<P>But for me there are two threads running side by side in my emotions, and they never meet. There has also been a very strong connection with my H, and almost a euphoria. It just so happened in the timing of all this that we spent more time alone together in the last 3 weeks than in the last 5 years since my son was born. The open sharing sparked a flame, and maybe it was knowing how close I came to losing him completely; I don't know. But the oddest thing is that sex has been mind blowing. Yet not 5 minutes later, I'll be back in the dephts of despair. And for me it's not just the children; I don't know how or why but I still love him (even though he has not done well on my needs). At the same time I have had a total loss of sleep and appetite. We spent the first week on a cruise, and I came back several pounds lighter. Imagine not eating on a cruise!<P>I agree with those who say not to ask all the intimate details. I have wanted to know more of what needs she was meeting. The one detail he let slip about how tight she was ( young, no children) will haunt me forever. I was home raising the children the last 5 years so he could have his dream job, and this is where it led us. I was tied down to them while he was wining and dining, going to tango shows; out with work buddies. It has certainly made one thing clear - we will learn the enthusiastic agreement thing or there will be no marriage, there is no going back to the way it was.<P>------------------<BR>hoping<BR>

No you are not the only one. I was the same way in fact I kept being that way till he walked out the door. I don't mean to be a downer. But you are not diffenet just normal. This is a good place to be. Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here but welcome.

Hi- welcome to this site. I am fairly new here also and have learned a lot in a short period of time. I have had many similar feelings as those that you described. I found out about my H's affair on July 5 of this year. The affair had been going on for about as long as I had know I was pregnant with our second child (four months). The affair came about because I had stopped meeting my husband's primary emotional need, affection. Over a long period of time i had been withdrawing affection due to my own unmet emotional needs. I did this knowingly (Love Busting) and never thought of the consiquences.<P>As CRAZY as this sounds: the affair was the best thing that ever happened to us (also the worst thing that has ever happened to me personally). Like you, our sex life became wild and wonderful. Like you, we have made tremendous amounts of time for each other. We have read Dr. Harley's books and began to live his philosophy. Unlike you, I have questioned and searched for every little detail of my H's affair. In trying to understand what exacilly happened, I hope to prevent any of this from reaccuring again. My husband has worked hard to meet my needs and vise-versa. I wish I could say that everything was great, but that is not true. I am depressed, eight months pregnant and still very bitter and angry about his decision to put it ALL on the line. I can only hope that these feelings pass, because I do want to build this marriage, I do want to remain married to this guy. I know that we will never have what we once had, but hopefully we can build something better.

I'm new too! It was good to here how up and down your feelings are right now. I've been in the same place as you woundering if I'm crazy. My H also had an affair and since then my world has been totally different. I couldn't eat,sleep ,think normally without all the pain interupting my thoughts.It's been 8 mths. and I have some of my sanity back. Still have strong HATE feeling towards "the *****"-she was my friend and hasn't had the guts to appoligize- nothing! Sex was hard at first, I would always end up crying at the end. Even after good sex - felt so unsafe leave myself to getting hurt again. Worry that he's thinking of OW during your sex? No need to answer just one of those thoughts that creep into my mine at the worst time. Hang in there.

Thank-you for your replies. Wafflestoo, I didn't understand your comment about the bitterness related to his decision to put it ALL on the line. In coming clean?? I also feel for you being pregnant. I lost one between my two (total 3 pregnancies) and I was pretty emotional during those months. I can't imagine dealing with this stuff then.<P>I didn't mean I didn't want details of the affair with the OW. It's only the more detailed sexual stuff that seems hurtful to me to pursue. As a matter of fact, he saved and shared all their e-mails, so I had a very good glimpse into the emotional side of it. What struck the most was that he could be so tender and caring. Had I forgotten this because it had been so long, or had he never treated me this well? The sad thing is that we are both strong Christians and there was a real concern in trying to convert her. Now, she'll have to find her own way, because this door is closed thanks to Harley's form letter. We added the part about my having read all the mails. This may account for the great news that to date there have been no further attempts by her to contact him. I'm not letting my guard down, though.

Schizzo,<P>Holy!! It's like you are describing my life EXACTLY!!! I found out 4 weeks ago, that's about the only difference. I too was wondering how I can feel so euphoric and so down at the same time - it is a weird feeling isn't it? I'm glad to see that others are feeling the same too. I quite enjoy the weight loss feature though - I also couldn't eat or sleep - that is slowly getting better.<P>And I just said to my h. the other night almost exactly what you wrote about me staying home all those nights doing the "devoted mother thing" while he was out living the married single life. The ow. had the "luxury" of getting "rid" of her kids every wed and thurs and every other weekend - party time!!(She is divorced). I, however, didn't. I also have put up with the long long hours of h. at work - moving up the corporate ladder - for US!! - It almost seems like you and I got "punished" for staying home and doing the right thing. It is so unfair and it sucks.<P>But I guess instead of feeling schizzo we should probably feel blessed that we don't have ONLY the sh***y feelings to deal with like so many other unfortunate people do. I think the sex is a little like "makeup sex" (if you know what I mean....). But whatever it is, hey I agree, it's been great!<P>It is really unfortunate that an affair had to get us all back where we "belong" in our relationships - that really sucks and it really hurts - but I'm so glad to be here anyway. Let me know how you progress - it will be interesting to see if our situations remain so alike.<P>To BECCA,<P>I often wonder also if he's thinking about ow while doing things with me - but I guess we'll never know will we? I am not about to ask and I don't think I want to know!! YUK!!!<BR>

schizzo-<P>When I said that I was bitter about his decision to put it all on the line I meant that by having his affair he could have thrown everything that we have built away. We have worked hard for many things these past 12 years. We have sooo much to be greatful for. Our increadable son is a happy 3 year old whom we both enjoy tremendously. We moved into the home of our dreams just 2 years ago. My husband survived a life threatining meningitis recently. I just can't figure why he would risk losing it all to have a sleazy little affair with a person who he couldn't possably spend the rest of his life with. OW was 19, H is 45 and I am 39. She still lives home with mom and dad and they still pay for her clothes, food and life expences. OW does not even like children, yet my husband is truly a family man who loves kids. I left him when I found out about his affair. I didn't think I would come back. It wasn't until then that he said he realized what a fool he had been. He came home to our empty house and felt the full impact of what he did to our family. But why did it have to come to that? He said that he loved me throughout the affair and told the OW that he loved his wife and did not want to leave his marriage, so why take the risk?<P>Of course these are the questions that I am still struggling with. We have been in counseling and it has been suggested to wait out the pregnancy before making any BIG marriage decisions (although I have already committed to making the marriage work). I love being married and find it increadably terrifying to think about being on my own with two young children. Thank goodness my husband is trying everything in his power to make things better. Good luck with you. The site is a place to begin to feel normal again. I find it wild that so many people feel the same as me in so many ways. I thought that I was nuts.

I just found this post ... I always think I am nuts until I come here. <BR>Schizzo ... I am almost 3 months in recovery and I still feel that way. Last Thurs, I had a meltdown. Totally cried and cried. Yes I hate him in the depths of my soul and LOVE him even deeper. We are together and he has been nicer and more emotional than I ever dreamed possible. Things are glorious, but I still have a stream of hurt, anger, sadness, loss etc that rears it's ugly head occassionally. I never tell my h when it does for fear of ruining our "wonderful" life now, but I go insane some days! Yes my H to told me how "tight" she was. I am obsessed with it, bought some "china shrink cream". Don't laugh! I am scared to try meds, I have 2 friends that were trying to come off them, 1 killed herself and the other turns into a total *****. SO, I feel like a schizo to, sometimes feel like I have no right to be mad, but then again feel like he had no right to screw around. I to see how and why he had the affair, but it doesn't make coping with it easier. Somedays I think, I had 3 kids, I felt the loneliness he felt, I was tired of reaching for him, so I though if I stopped reaching so hard for him he would reach for me ... but he didn't. He had an affair. I get so angry and I feel so stupid, yet I love him with all my heart!<BR>so see you are very normal for the situations we are in!<BR>Take Care<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Sorry I couldn't get back sooner. Weekends are tough with a 5 and 2 year old. We had no one to help this time, it's the first time (in the three weeks since this came to light) that I've had them around the clock. I sure don't have patience for their nonsense and fighting like I did!<P>Wafflestoo, boy I feel we are in the same boat. The OW was 21, I'm 38, my H is turning 34 this week. He too is reading these posts and finds it incredible that a 45 year old went for a 19 year old; what's the difference? His was still home with Mom and Dad too? So is it just that his needs were not being met, or is this a midlife crisis thing? Because I still can't for the life of me see what needs she was meeting except for goo goo eyed admiration. Most of my questioning to him has been to try to find out this so I can understand better what is missing for us. Unless it's also an escape from real life. This weekend was anything but romantic with no time away from the two little monsters. They need a father at home really badly. At least that's what my pastor says, that my son's attitude can only be corrected by the father; no matter how hard I try.