My h. clamis he wants our marriage. He had an emotional affair in the past that has really screwed him up. He claims that he cares for me with all his heart but that he feels a lack of some sort-no passion. The love he feels is more for a sister or best friend. Anyway, he says he wants to stay married because he feels comfortable with me. Claims he is praying everyday to get his feelings back for me. I am in counseling but he refuses to go. Imo, i think he is only half-hearted about our marriage right now. He says that is not true but actions speak loude than words. Is that good enough to begin with? And still have hope? For the past six months, sense his confession, we've had some terrible terrible times. Presently, I feel like the connection has been broken between us. I feel like there is so much seperating us now and wonder if it can all be overcome. Every once in awhile, I feel like there is nothing between us-where did it all go-kind of feeling-like we're strangers. I know love is a decision and I know I still love my h. But I'm just wondering if this feeling of dis-connection is normal after this. It has seemed to grow worse and not better but maybe that is because I feel so hurt and betrayed and my h. is not responding the way I 'd like him to. Any advice is appreciated.

If your husband cares for you, you have a lot to go on. I wonder, from reading your post, has your husband cut off all contact with the OW?

IMHO Passion is a state of mind, and like any state of mind, can be controlled. He wants passion, you want passion, so find some even if it starts out as an act. Read "The Ten Second Kiss" or "Light his fire" by Ellen Friedman.<BR>There is a web sight here "Light YOur Fire.com"<BR>You have chosen to stay with him, he with you. This is where you are, make it a fun place to be. Treasure the moments, they are far too few and life is too short. It could be snuffed out in a sec. Live the love. Write him a letter.Let him know you appreciate him and his efforts to begin again. Kiss, kiss, kiss.<P>I am dead serious about this, even if you think it cannot be done, it is worth a try.

thanks for replying. Ow died in 95 but h. claims he had been able to hear her voice from the grave up until Oct of 98 (like I said-this affair in which he never even kissed her-has screwed him up). She had a boyfriend when she died and he was not my h. From what I can gather, most of this affair was of my h. own making-in his head. He showed no visable signs that his 'soul mate' had died in 95. In Feb of this year, however, when he confessed, he was very depressed (God had told him it was time to let go of her) He was no longer able to hear her voice. So I think his soulmate was a phatom of his imagination.<P>As you can imagine, this has all been very painful for me. I discovered in recent weeks that my h. has a lot of anger towards me. He has held grudges against me for years that I had no idea he was holding-grudges from our courtship days (we've been married 21 years).BTW, he never left me for this girl when she was alive- he said he did not want to leave me in despair and because he was afraid he'd be hurting himself.<P>I'm very confused as to what is happening. I want the marriage. As I said, I still love my h. He will not go to counseling. I feel he is closed to me emotionally right now. He says he has the desire to do the right thing, that he wants me in his life, that he's wants our marriage but I feel like he doesn't think he can ever love me like he once did because he said he doesn't see those feelings in him. I know from reading that those feelings can lay burried and dormant under guilt, anger and resentment. I guess I'm just wondering if he is only half-hearted right now if there is still hope? Also, this horrible feeling that there is a great gulf between us-a dis-connection- is this normal. Thanks for any advice

bubblemaker, I don't know if the "affair" is really what is causing the trouble with your H. It sounds to me like there are some much deeper and serious things going on with him. Is there a way you can get your family doctor to question him? Maybe his doctor could suggest counseling. Sometimes, the suggestion of counseling falls on deaf ears when it comes from a spouse. I wish the best for both of you.

Bubblemaker,<P>Your H does seem to be "in a funk" now. The only thing I would worry about is whether he is motivated enough to make the marriage work. By your description, he is coasting. He doesn't seem to care enough to move on, but then he isn't doing anything positive to improve the marriage.<P>In my opinion, he is fair game for a real affair if another woman initiates it. He doesn't seem to have the initiative to do it on his own, which is a big plus.<P>Would a vacation or some other common interest activity bring him up? He sounds like he is in a rut and can't get out.

tryingagain,<BR>When you say deeper issues are you thinking mental illness? Other than this fantasy, my h. seems perfectly normal. He has been depressed. I saw that begin probably around october of last year (when he was told to give ow up). By Feb, he had become irritable and mean. I've blamed mid-life crisis (he's 41), spiritual deception and even glanced in the direction of mental illness. Right now I'm so confused I don't know what to believe. I fluctuate back in forth to what his having told me being reality and, then, unreality.<BR>For a few months after he told me, I beleived he still loved me. After all, why did he stop me everytime I tried to leave (hid my keys, blocked the door). I mentioned divorce once when he refused to get rid of a pitcure he had done to represent them. He gave me the picture and let me get rid of it. This all indicated to me that he still loved me. Other signs, however, indicate he doesn't. Being emotionally closed to me-he won't and doesn't want to hang on my hand in public-although he does when we're alone. I'm confused and I know he is. As for talking to someone, he won't see a dr unless he's dying and I mean it. He's only been twice in our years of marriage and both times it could have been life threatening. Anyway, thanks for your insight

BB,<BR>what do you mean by he doesn't care enought to move on-you mean end the marriage? And if he is not motivated to do positive things for the marriage right now, where does that leave me. Should I give up? I'm not sure how to motivate him. I've been doing a lot of love busting over the past six months. Of course, I just found this sight a few days ago. If he's not motivated now does that mean he probably never will be?<P>As for a real affair, I'm trusting God. One thing my h. does daily is to spend an hour in prayer and read the Bible. He says he wants God with all his heart. Of couse, he once believed that God had allowed this girl to come into his life. He told me I don't have to worry about that happening again. He said it wouldn't.<P>We're both in a rut, I think. Something seems to be going on in him. Even his mother said he is not himself. So I don't know if he is blaming all the unhappiness he feels on me and our marraige or if the unhappiness is caused by our marriage. I'm confused.

bubblemaker,<P>By moving on, I do mean leave the marriage. I really don't think he will, by what you are saying. You mentioned that you have "love-busted" in the recent past, so you have a starting point. Give a try to meeting his emotional needs. He also sounds like he would be open to reading Dr. Harley's materials. Although I am skeptical about "band-aid" approaches to problems, you do sound like you are in a relationship that could actually benefit from a "band-aid."<P>The unhappiness is probably not caused by the marriage. By the same token, the marriage probably isn't doing anything to make him happy. That seems to be true for both of you. <P>Don't give up yet. You are far from that point. Try the Harley principles and see what happens.

bubblemaker,<P>You really are in a tough situation if your H is resistant to getting any type of professional help. From what you wrote, I do question his mental well-being. BB mentioned the great idea of getting your husband to read books. I would add that maybe your husband would be open to talking to his pastor about it. Maybe both of you could do this. It's apparent that you have struggled long and hard with this and that you have found within yourself methods for dealing with your situation. I think a little insight from others is very useful.

bubblemaker, Hope is that you? It has to be. I'm glad you found this site. You will be to soon. Lots of good people to talk to. Sounds like your situation has improved a bit. Maybe by following the principles here you will see an improvement. My story isn't much different unfortunetly, he's gone for the 5th and maybe final time. But everyone sure helped me through this.(Thanks everybody) Hang in there and keep posting.<P>------------------<BR>Lilly<P><BR>

bubblemaker, your hus. does love you but there is something else that he hasnt cleared up or that he feels like he cant tell you that is why he is not going with you to counciling he doesnt want to talk about it yet. Also dont write him a letter about this he is not a woman he is a man. The best thing you can do is to give him love. To be perfectly honest I would not be surprized if he was using the story that he told you to cover up what is really bothering him. But I will tell you this from the voice of experience that he is not tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. You can not forse the issue it will only drive him farther from you. You must show him love, and I mean unconditional love. He loves you he is just scared at how you will react to what he needs and wants to tell you.<BR>

Hi Lilly! Its me. Yes, on one hand, things appear to be improving, on the other, I'm having a difficult time with the dis-connection feeling in my own heart-I hate it. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I thought ow was leaving town. How are you holding up? I'll keep you in my prayers.<P>BB, Thanks for your input. We are watching marriage vidoes (Gary Smalley) and listening to audio tapes. We have agreed to read spiritual material together also-maybe I can slip in some of Harley's stuff. I believe my strongest alley is God. H. has been going to church with me as well-this was a ultimatem I gave him about two months ago-either go to church or counseling with me or I have to leave for awhile in order to heal. He chose church. And I have seen him taking strides towards God <P>Tryingagain, he refuses to discuss it with anyone. My counselor is trying to counsel us without h. going. He'll give me things to tell my h. or questions to ask him. My h. has gotten quite angry at the counselor and says he doesn't think he likes him. I'm continuing to believe that eventually my h. will go.<P>Defende, thanks for your response. My plan is to love him unconditionally. I wish I could believe what your say about his using the story to cover something else-and maybe I could if I hadn't discovered that he had discussed ow with a friend of ours shortly after ow death. Friend told me that h. claimed God had shown him ow was his perfect soul mate, but that he didn't feel to leave me (he thought a lot of me), that he would be with ow in his next life and that her death was really no big deal because the relationship was continueing-she was speaking to him from the grave. He admitted he had never kissed her, that their relationship was mystical-and worst of all-that he had lost his maritail love for me. Does this change your perspective on the situation? Friend said h. brang it up only that one time. He said h. never broke down, did not seem that bothered, never talked about ow personality-like she was so sweet. He's the one who told me that , iho, 90 percent of the relationship was in my h. head. Have you ever heard anything so bizzare? Thanks for any insight or advice. As you can probably imagine, I am utterly confused. I'm trying to believe he still loves me-somewhere, his love still exist. My counselor said that from everything I've told him he thinks my h. still loves me also and that he is confused.<P>

bubblemaker<BR>Get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It is my personal favorite for couples rebuilding after an affair.....I think you will gain some good, concrete information from it. It is both psychologically and scripturally sound.<P>It does sound like your husband is in need of counseling, but you can't force him to go. Continue to pray about it and continue in conseling yourself. It takes time to heal from this kind of trauma and we all heal at a different pace. I would also explore the possibilty of some pastoral counseling.....but be certain that your pastor will be willing to refer your husband to someone who is trained if things get beyond his capabilities. Many pastors aren't trained in effective counseling techniques but there are many wonderful Christian counselors available.<P>Don't rush things....don't expect too much of yourself or of your husband right now. You are fairly early in this process and have a great deal of "stuff" to get through. Work on patience and take things one day at a time.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><BR>

bubblemaker, Hope was easier to type out! I know what you mean by disconnecting, it's easy to feel that way, hang in here and talk to people and you will be hoping again.<P> You said ealier you realized you had been lovebusting, so maybe with time and not lovebusting you might see something. I feel so inept at giving advice myself right now, so forgive me. I don't think any of us are in your place with our H with a phantom lover or past phantom lover to contend with. It's been so long since I heard from you. Has the affection picked up at all?<P>No, my OW did not move away, just got transfered in her work farther away. As soon as my H broke it off after that she kept on him about being transfered way out here and then you break up with me and got him feeling guilty and he got her transfered back and guess what???? That was a while back.<P>I'm doing okay most of the time. I'm trying hard just to live life and move on the best I can, which I guess is all you can do in these crazy situations.<P>I'll keep you in my prayers also.<P>------------------<BR>Lilly<P><BR>

Thanks everyone for the book recommendations-I wrote them all down to purchase.<P>Lilly,<BR>I tried using Hope but the name was already taken. Don't know why I chose bubblemaker, but anyway-the affection is about the same..depends on his mood I guess. Personally, I feel he is indifferent to the marriage. What I notice is that when he thinks I'm mad or angry or when I act indifferent myself, he shows more affection. Can anyone explain that? My counselor wonders if he is taking me for grantit. He told me to give h. a list last week with things that make me feel loved for my h. to practice for 30 days. Well, it will be a week tomorrow and h. has not done one thing on the list. <BR>I called my dr today. I've decided to go on antidepressants. For the last month when I sit down (even in morning when I get up) my muscles quiver and jerk. I feel like I've aged a 100 years in the last seven months. This morning, I got up and started crying because its Monday morning and I don't know if I can face another week of battling. I'm tired and discouraged and feel like giving up. I thought maybe the med would help take the edge of and help me focus again. <BR>So your h. is with ow again? You said he's gone for maybe final time. Do you still think its mlc? Does he still say he loves you?<BR>Well, I'm praying for you.<BR>Hope