A kind of imbarassing question that hopefully will get some helpfull responces.<BR> Im separated from my husband, going on 3 months. We separated because of abuse. I<BR> still love him, but not the same as when we first got married.<BR> The last 3 years of our marriage I totally lost interest in sex. I would cringe at just the<BR> very thought of his touch. But since we have been separated, I can't think about<BR> anything elce but sex.<BR> I married him 11 years ago a virgin. I have never really BEEN with anyone elce. Now<BR> everything I do, everywhere I go, I find myself flirting, and trying extra hard to look<BR> good to get attention. I have even had new experiences with my girfriend. Why am I<BR> feeling this way? Im still married, and I know that It's considered an affair untill we are<BR> divorced, but That doesn't even seem to be affecting my judgement. Could I be doing<BR> this just to get back at him?? <P>------------------<BR>Rainy

I'm not seperated with my H but he did have an affair. I also was a virgin when we started to date which lead to living together,marriage,baby,etc.Also somewhat open to a 'one night stand'. He had all the experience before we met, and that was fine with me. Now all that loyalty and he has an affair on me! It would not be completely revenge because I would not tell him, use safer sex and do it once just to end the couriosity. I'm not searching for the encounter but may go for it. It would be interesting to find out if my having a one night affair will really effect our wounded relationship. Would the guilt eat away at me? I have even went as far as saying to H that I might do just that and the sad thing is he just said "I guess I can't stop you" is that lame or what! Am I not good enough to fight for? Where is the passion? I fought for this marriage. Sorry, back to you. Maybe you should ask if he felt if this seperation meant that he was going to have sexual relations with others/OW? Then take along time to think of the effects.I'm still not sure if I could go through with it,in fear of destroying us. Hopefully someone will reply who has more experience on this double affairs.Basically I think it's reconmened not to. Until next time.<BR>

I know how you feel because the intensity of the desire to have an affair myself took me totally by surprise. I've thought and thought about who or what type the guy would be.<P>But I know that this would destroy me. Independent of my h who I no longer owe an exclusivity to, I would be untrue to everything I stand for. I made it to marriage barely a virgin at 29 because of my strong beliefs. Although emotionally battered, I now still have my integrity; I don't have guilt and regrets to deal with.<P>Besides, while I don't owe it to my h, I owe it to my God. I've also thought that if doing what is right got me in this mess, I should become a hedonist. But Job held on and did not give up or curse God. We are not promised an easy road in this life.<P>I don't mean to get preachy, but this is the thought process I've been through just this week. I will hold on to what is right. Knowing what I know now, there would not even be any "sweetness" to it; I know I would be using the OM since affairs do not lead to good relationships. Finally, I know what I want is a great marriage with my h; even if it is my turn, there is no predicting the emotional fallout of such an action.<P>So PLEASE, think hard before you jump...

I agree with schizzo, that at least WE have no guilt or regrets to deal with....why would we want to add more weight onto our shoulders??

Rainy,<BR>Think of me as a fellow traveler who wants to help you along your way. You need all the help you can get right now!<BR>Kudos to schizzo's reply - listen to that good advice there!<BR>What you are feeling and thinking is quite normal. When I found out my W had an affair, I felt and acted just like you do right now. I think you want to be validated as sexually appealing to the opposite sex; you are curious about what having sex with another person would be like; and of course (this was especially true for me) you want to exact revenge: tit-for-tat. Take it from me: think carefully about acting upon those impulses.<BR> I was a virgin when I got married 20 years ago. I remained faithful to my wife in spite of come-ons from different women all through that time. Now let me tell you this: when I found out about my W's affair, I DID act upon those impulses. I had a one-night stand with a woman I didn't even know. It was not a very fun experience, and I regret it so much! Why? Loveless sex is like a flat coke: no fizz, no sizzle, no nothin'. It's a soul-numbing experience. Afterwards, you feel guilty, dirty, no longer "clean". You feel like you've disappointed God and yourself. It is a regret you will have to carry for the rest of your life to your grave, and it is just not worth it! I also had the fear that I might have contracted an STD. You don't know who's clean, who's got some disease that you might pick up and never be able to get rid of (herpes, genital warts, HIV)!<BR>Find a friend or two whom you feel you can trust, who will promise to allow you to call them day or night, anytime you need to talk through what you are thinking and feeling, or even have them come be with you for awhile. Under no circumstances should you drink alcohol alone, for alcohol impaires your judgement and lowers your natural defenses.<BR>God bless you. If you have any questions for me, I'll try to reply.<BR>Pilgrim