I am completly losing it, I am shaking so bad so excuse my rambling which I am sure I will do.<BR> My H said that Ow is no where around and and he has not seen her. I decided to make a few calls only to find out she is working a few miles from my home. IN this small little town we live in. I am totally going off of what he tells me a known liar....... How can I do that. Of course he would tell me she is not around here and he has not had contact. Well Why should I go Off of what he ssays.<BR> I know most of you disagree but I really feel like I need to call her and find out when she saw my H last.I cannot stand this.<BR>I did play a little game tonight which I know I should not have but I paged him with her # to see if he would tell me. And he did not and when I kept on he got mad at me and went back to work. I need to know, I am tierd of beiung made a fool of!!!!!! How can I sit here and act like he is telling the truth. I cannnot . I have to call her. Please some help here.......

JJM,<P>Why do you think the OW will tell you the truth? She doesn't care about you or your marriage. If she did, she wouldn't have violated it. Also, if you call her and asik her when she last saw your H, you will let her know things are not well between the two of you and if she still wants your H, she might LIE, LIE, and LIE some more to get you upset emough to leave him and clear the playing field for herself.<P>Get a grip on yourself. If your H is in withdrawal, you have to understand that he will probably have setbacks. Could that be what this is? Just a setback? Doesn't make it right for your H to lie. Doesn't make it right for your H to contact the OW. NOTHING about infidelity is right!!!!<P>If you want your marriage to go forward, try to help your H work through his addiction. Be understanding that this time period is very hurtful to the betrayers, too. Doesn't seem fair, but life is that way unfortunately...<P>Roll Me Away

Hi JJM<P>I agree with Roll Me Away. I can understand your need to speak to OW, believe me I can. I called my H ow twice, and her mother once.!! It did cause problems betw. H and OW, but I think he's still seeing her.<BR>Do NOT give your H any excuse to ring her. I completley understand your motives for ringing his pager with her #, but you only gave him the excuse to ring her. It sort of backfires, both ways. <BR>A/ your H calls OW and gets to speak to her, and<BR>B/ your H knows that you must have left the message, and that you're testing him.<BR>Of course you want to test him, who the hell wouldn't, but you must be strong. I have no answers as to where we are supposed to find this 'strength', but I know we must. You must dig deep, and keep digging. Find that strength girl. YOU CAN DO IT.<P>Post here when you think you're going insane, thats what I do. It has stopped me from doing and saying many, many stupid things.<P>Heres hoping your next post will say that you found the strength, please let me know where you found it, because I'll go there to!!!<P>Take care of you<P>Jo

JJM--<P>roll me away and bonnet give excellent advice. Do NOT call the OW to ask if it's over. Chances are, she'll lie to you a) to create a fabulous lovebusting scene between you and H, b) to "save her own neck" if the infidelity is still occurring, and/or c) to possibly win him back if it indeed WAS over.<P>Now, I'm in the minority re contact with the OW anyway, but my personality can't always resist confrontation if I view something/someone as a threat. I HAVE confronted potential problem-makers, either subtlely or directly...and always in a ladylike fashion. Word usage is a powerful tool. BUT the point here is, you don't ask ANY questions that reflect a weakness in your marriage. You TELL them how you feel.<P>"Never let 'em see you sweat."<P>Your energies may be better served in utilizing one of Dr. Harley's techniques--that MORE powerful farewell/no-contact letter, from both of you...that YOU mail.