I've been composing myself after the infamous "last" joint counseling session on Thurs. My H told me on the way there, in no uncertain terms, that this would be his last one. He wanted to go alone, but I really felt WE needed to go together. So he said fine, then this one is it! Much to my surprise, even before H had an opportunity to say anything, it was the counselor who said that "I" was no farther along in these last 12 sessions than I was the day I set foot in her office (as you may remember the 1st session was where H fessed up to his 9 month affair) She suggested that I come there alone because I was the one who can't or won't move past this infidelity. She even suggested that I should consider separation! I feel so hopeless. It feels like she's "siding" with him, the betrayer, and that all our problems stem from me. Okay, so I am entertaining the idea of switching counselors, but I think it's only because I want to find one who will "side" with me. Somehow my insecurities about my failing marriage are not being validated at all. <P>How do you face your parents, siblings, friends and tell them everything that has been going on for months now? I'm so embarrassed that I just go along and pretend everything is fine and normal. Nothing is normal. What do I say to the kids, ages 16 & 14 if I decide to separate? Don't you think my H and I should be doing the "talk" with the kids together? He has a wonderful relationship with them and I don't want to take that away from them or him. <P>Any advise or suggestions on how to approach the disclosing of this situation without feeling such embarrassment?

Tired Lady,<P>I'm sure that you must be feeling very down about all this and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.<P>First, don't drop your counselor yet. Take a moment to re-examine how you are appearing to the counselor. Are you having a difficult time moving forward regarding your H's affair? If the answer is yes, then you probably should go to counseling alone for a while. Those feelings cannot be worked out together.<P>The revelation of the affair to the family is tough, but I think they will understand. Affairs are not uncommon these days. Your family will be supportive toward you in ways that you need right now. Your kids are old enough now to understand relationships. They might have suspicions anyway.<P>The big thing to keep in mind is that your H is trying to work out the problems. You have a lot of promise ahead of you.

Hi, I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I do agree that you need to go to counseling by yourself. It seems that you are running away from dealing with the issues. Denial is a strong thing, you have the strength within yourself, to deal with this, you just haven't gotten there yet. As far as your kids, perhaps your counseling would provide some insight in how to deal with this issue. As far as other family and friends, why are you afraid of the truth? You may find it to be helpful to talk with your family. Stop blaming yourself, your self worth is not based on what other people think. Stop thinking this all your fault. Stand up and look in the mirror and tell yourself, your a good person. Stop pretending, this hasn't happened. If you need to seperate for a while, that my be agood thing. Perhaps, some time away may give you insight to what you want/need out of life.<P>Be strong! It's time to take care of yourself. Don't be worried how your family treats your husband. He's a big boy, he has to face up to what has happened.<P>It will work out, and you'll see how much better you feel after you deal with this.<P>We are all here for you!<P>Carol

BB - H is not trying to work anything out. Read my other posts - he's pretty much left the marriage without physically leaving the house. He's still seeing the ow at the workplace and I suspect during the times he claims to be working late. I agree that I should probably see the counselor by myself, even if only to give me the strenght to move on with my life. Yes my kids are old enough to understand relationships, but it will be hard on them, nevertheless. <BR>CarolG - I'm afraid of telling the truth to family and friends because I have done my best for the past 9 months to deny there are any problems at all in my marriage. I'm going to appear like such a fool - especially when I am so sure that he is still loving another person, instead of me. <BR>I appreciate any moral support right now. This board has been a saving grace to me.

Dear Tired Lady,<BR>I could have written your post a few weeks ago. I didn't talk to a soul about my h affair. I finally went to talk to my pastor and he encouraged me to confide to a good friend who went through a similar situation.It has helped tremendously. If you share with a trusted family member you know they will be supportive of you. Just be discreet about who you tell. It won't make things easier if everyone knows your business.Try to think about what caused this in your marriage as you talk. Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? It may be insightful. It was for me. See what you can do to help yourself. My h is still in his affair. It has only been three weeks since disclosure. He is home so he can decide. This is probably the toughest stuff you'll ever go through. WE are all here for you.

Tired Lady,<P>I am in a sort of similar situation. My H is planning on moving out for the third time. Noone knows what has been going on because we have been successful in hiding his other departures. The first time he was only gone for about a week. The second time he was gone longer but we told the kids it was for work. He was around the house enough that family didn't find out.<P>Now that the third time is coming up and he has found an apartment we are in the predicament of what to tell our children, our friends and family.<P>I really don't want to disclose the affair becuase I am praying that we can work through this and I don't want anyone to look at my H differently. He made a mistake.<P>But we are having trouble about what to tell the kids. (9&6) They are going to be devastated no matter what we tell them.<P>Family and friends: What do I say? He's not in love with me anymore and thinks that by moving those feelings will return. That's the truth but they're not going to buy it. <P>If you come up with anything, let me know.

I don't feel at all responsible for my husbands actions. My kids age 13, 11 and 8 all had a clue that daddy was not "right" for a while..the 8 year old does not know...she thinks that daddy may have kissed another lady...but the others are too savy...kids have their ears where they shouldn't and they know more than you are ready to believe. They also have heard it all before. The issue is not with them and your spouse it is with you and the spouse so they can still have a relationship as long as you let it happen. Girls are very protective of the mom but even still they are willing to get whatever they can from dad... they need him...even if he is a ****head...sorry... but my girls want affection from their dad. I want them to have it. I just pray they don't marry someone like him! Honesty is really important. Your kids may be old enough to handle it..only you can know...my kids are homeschooled! Very protected and yet they knew...and were there for me. And were informed of what was not their responsibility. No one is perfect...if they can forgive him then they can forgive me too. I may not be always the perfect mom. (I of course think I am) The relationship between their dad and them is sacred and I cannot destroy it, so what he "loved another" to them as long as he loves them it is fine... with me too... but if he screws them under watch out!