<BR>My husband and I were only married 1 month when I found ot he made a pass at my brothers ex-girlfriend. By two months of marriage he as staying out all night. We had several problems other than this mainly because he wanted to act single and couldn't accept his role as a married man. My husband is 30 yrs old, he didn't want to help pay bills, he wouldn't help out around the house, he wanted to hang out with his friends and play basketball and video games. I was pregnant during all this and often blamed my pregnancy for being a strain on a new marriage, I often hoped things would get better. Until one day a girl called me and said she had been having an affair with my husband for 3 months and now she's pregnant! At the time we had only been married for 5 months. Because he denied hitting on my brother's ex-girlfriend I called him at work with the girl on the phone and confronted him about the situation. He did not deny it, he said he was sorry, but I could tell in his voice that he really wasn't so I went berserk and told him to not come back home ever again! So he didn't. He abandoned me for 4 months to heal from childbirth, care for a newborn, keep the thouse clean, and pay the bills ALONE!!! Then he came back when my child was three months old wanting a second chance. I decided to try for my daughters sake, he said he would transfer back in town from his new job in 1 month. Well, 1 month turned into 6 months of his job coming before our marriage and family. So two weeks ago I told him I wanted a divorce, because I didn't see any reason for us to stay married. Now all of a sudden he wants his family back. I don't understand why he never tried to be a husband in the beginning. He fought commitment tooth and nail. He never even wore his wedding ring except the day we got married. Believe it or not I love him and ideally I would like my daughter to have a relationship with her father. But I just think that its too late for us to start all over again. I hate the way this relationship makes me feel about myself. I need some advice.

KY,<BR>I feel for you. I'm not sure that I can give you any advice but it helped me to know that I wasn't the only one out there that was feeling what I was feeling.<P>My W started a relationship with a classmate of hers BEFORE we got married unbeknownst to me. She then told me about a month later that she was in love with someone else and that she told him that she loved him two weeks before our wedding. What a kick in the gut that was. I don't know about you but I feel like our marriage was a sham right from the very beginning. I never even put our wedding pictures in an album.<P>She is living on her own right now and continues to see the OM off and on. She also has taken her ring off and on many times depending on her mood.<P>The only thing that I can tell you from my readings is that often times people feel vulnerable in times of great change in their lives. For example; having a child, starting a new carreer, or getting married. Your H was faced with two of these things right from the very start and probably had no idea how to talk to you about how these changes made him really feel. (I could be completely wrong here. Sorry if I am)<P>In my case, my W just graduated from a master's program and was starting a new carrer, I was finishing up my first year in a medical program, and we were getting married. A lot of changes in a short period of time. We both felt like we were drifting apart but didn't know how to deal with it. We also thought that we would feel closer after we got married. WRONG!! It just made matters worse.<P>As far as your H wanting to try and make things work when you threaten divorce...it may have been the kick in the butt that he needed to realize the value of his family. This is the time to be starting a family, not tearing it apart.<P>Is the OW out of the picture completely or is he still seeing her? If she isn't, it is almost impossible to work on a marriage with three people involved. If he says that she is out of the picture, be careful of withdrawl. He may chose to re-commit now, but crack under the pressure of withdrawl and make contact with the OW again. I speak from experience on this one. <P>Anyway, do you think that the marriage is worth saving? Are you willing to make the necessary changes and sacrafices to ensure the health of the marriage? Is he? Just questions to think about.<P>Good luck. Keep posting here. It's nice to know you're not alone.<P>Dave

Thank you for replying to my posting, Dave. It is nice to know that other people understand how you feel. I think what hurts so badly is that we never had the opportunity to build the kind of loving marriage I dreamed of on our wedding day because of his deceitful ways. We were going through alot of transitions at the time ( moving, new marriage, baby) but it seems like those would have been some of the best times in a marriage not the worst.<P>As far as the OW is concerned he said the last time he talked with her was several months ago and she had an abortion. According to both of them they only had a sex fling for a few months and could care less about each other. The OW apologized to me because she called me and upset my psuedo-happy home. She had no idea he was married because he lied to her and said he was "just living with someone". She told me she wuld never see him again. <P>However, we have been living in different states for the last 10 months and I have been raising our daughter. How do I know if he's still having sex with other women or not? He said he isn't but I don't put much value in anything that he says anymore. I keep reading articles about saving your marriage if you think its worth saving and going to counseling. I want to know how do you know your marriage is worth saving if you've never had a good marriage? Does counseling really help a marriage or just prolong an inevitable divorce? He has agreed to see a counselor with me, but I am having second thoughts about even trying.<BR> <BR>I'm so tired of this whole ordeal and I just want to be happy again.

KY,<P>Boy do I know what you mean when you say that you never had the opportunity to build a loving and happy marriage. People have told me that because trouble started so early on in our marriage, that I should consider myself lucky that I found out now and move on. <P>I very much understand the pain. I've been fighting for myself for a long time for this marriage. It is obvious to me however, that committment isn't as much as a priority to my W as it is to me. I believe that marriage is forever. It's too bad others don't believe that as well.<P>You two living in two different states makes it very hard to know if he is not seeing other people. This was a hard one for me to learn. I thought that my actions would turn my W around to me. I realize there really isn't anything that I can do to change her mind. She has to want to do that for herself. Right now she doesn't want to. But your H does.<P>As far as deciding whether or not to stay in the relationship...have you made a list of pros and cons? Sometimes it helps to put things into perspective. One thing that I can say about deciding to commit to working on a relationship is that you both need to be willing to work. If you have read some of the other posts on the infidelity forum, you would see that it takes many months, even years to get things to be somewhat normal again.<P>Do you want to try and be a family again with your H? or is it that you want to be a family with someone? Maybe answering that question will help you make some decisions. When I think about why I tried so hard to make things work with my W, part of my reasoning was that I didn't want to have to start all over again. The whole dating thing is so intimidating for me. Then I had to think about what I was fighting for. Someone that has no idea what committment stands for?<P>I'm to the point where I'm edging toward being my own person. I kept up the fight for as long as I could but I am so tired right now. I'm seeing a counselor on my own and it has been very beneficial to me. I remember Christmas....I hardly got out of bed the whole season I was so depressed. Even if you don't go to counseling with your H, it might be good for you to go on your own.<P>You said: "I'm so tired of this whole ordeal and I just want to be happy again."<P>Happiness comes from within. I know I know, it sounds trite but it is true. I have found that when I rely on other people to make me happy, it turns out only to be a quick fix. If you believe that you can be happier on your own, without your H then you should do it. However, if you think that you have a chance of being happier with him than without him, you should do that. Sorry I can't tell you what to do one way or the other.<P>KY, you deserve to be happy. Do whatever it takes to get you there.<P>Dave<P>BTW are you a very early riser, or do you live on the east coast? Just wondering.

Hi, I'm glad they started this forum for new marriages which also go through troubled times.<P>The one thing I can say is that too many changes in such a short period of time can cause havoc in a new marriage. Over the last year I moved from a different city back to my hometown, bought a house, got married, my H went back to school and then we moved into the new house. The pressures and stress that we thought we were ready for, well apparently we weren't and have now seperated (not my choice but it's happened nonetheless).<P>You are not alone in your confusion and disillusionment of marriage and what you expected the first year to be like! Hopefully that gives some comfort. A great deal of change can cause people to act totally out of character. It's time for you to do your own soul-searching and determine if you want your spouse in your life. If the answer is yes, there are many people here who will encourage and support you, if the answer is no, people here can also advise you on how best to move on. It's a great place to talk to others who have experience in pain and hardship. You are not alone, think about what you want - your needs do matter....

I have a couple of questions...<BR>First, how long did you date each other before marriage? Second: Did you live together before marriage? Third: How was your relationship before the engagement, and marriage? Okay, one more question: Did you guys marry earlier than expected because of this pregnancy?