before my marriage i have this habit of throwing tantrums at every small thing, my fiance would calm me down.even after marraiage he now my husband would calm me down, but would get upset now my tantrums have reduced.but when i get upset, he also gets upset we end up having a fight. after the fight he doesnot speak me for 4 days.our sex life was not so frequent, he would say i'm tired and we would not be with eachother.our sex life has never been concistent, it is whenever he is in the mood, not tired, not having a cold, or not angry.it is every 8-10 days. now days he says that he cannot be with a woman who has destroyed his mental state of mind. also i would feel bad when he didnot make love to me, he says sex is important to you, but not to me. he doesnot even kiss me. please help me save my marriage mentally and physically.ihave been married for 16 months.

sonu,<P>I'm sorry to hear of your marital problems. Hopefully I can be of encouragement to you with what I have to give. I have noticed your post for over a week now, and had hoped that you'd had some response by now. <BR>First of all, you've got to STOP!! with the tantrums. This seems to be the source of your problems. Your childish actions are putting a strain and much distance in your relationship.<BR>Think back on your relationship and how it was at the beginning. A new love is always an exciting and exhilorating experience. Let your mind meditate on the things that initially attracted you to your h. Concentrate on these things that you've done to make him happy as well as what he did for your happiness. <BR>After you've had this time to reflect, gather your thoughts, and then apologize for your attitude and explain to him that you want to do whatever it takes to make your relationship successful and to please him. If you are having problems with communicating to one another, talk about it. Learn how to listen to him and his needs; this will help you understand your h better. Don't interrupt him while he's speaking and don't get ugly or angry at things that he says you do that irritate him. It's extremely important to remain calm. Once he's finished, ask him to help you in making adjustments and how to meet his needs. Then let him know the things that irritate you. Not the things that are really of no true importance, just those that are detrimental and are in need of change. You'll have to teach yourself how to break the pattern of angry outbursts at smaller matters of unimportance.<BR>I gather that since you've logged on here, you've read the different articles of Dr. Harley's that are available here. Please take the time to do so. Especially the Basic Concepts, His Needs/Her Needs. All of these articles will help you to begin to repair the damage that has been done and how to turn things around and create a more loving atmosphere for the two of you.<BR>I will be praying for you and your marriage because the enemy is destroying both young and old marriages, families, and homes. It is times like these that we must look to God for guidance and direction. He is our source of strength and help.<BR> I also would like to suggest you read some of the other topics listed here on the forum. There are several posts here that will give you sound advice as well as encouragement.<BR>Good luck and may God Bless you and your marriage.<BR>Praying without ceasing.....<BR>

DEAR ENAMI,<BR>THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY. I HAVE TO STOP THESE TANTRUMS I HAVE READ TWO BOOKS THAT MY HUSBAND HAD GIVEN ME, "DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF." AND POSTIVE THOUGHTS. I AM MUCH BETTER, THE TANTRUMS HAVE BECOME LESS, BUT NOT FULLY GONE.ALSO I HAVE APOLOZIDED TO HIM NUMEROUS TIMES, HE DOESN;T BELIEVE MY ANYMORE<BR>HE HAS GIVEN ME SO MANY CHANCES.HE SAYS NOW THE TIME HAS COME TO ACT.THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE I WILL KEEP IN MY MIND.

Sonu,<P>I absolutely identify with your anger issues and absolutely agree with the wise advice from emani. I, too, have developed a pattern of dramatic episodes (some are dramatic times of crying) and have recently realized (married just two months) that this has to STOP NOW or my marriage will not be what I need it to be. It is difficult to just stop doing this behavior, but I'm a huge believer in the power of God in one's will to stop so ask God for help and let Him flow through you toward peace in this area of your life. Something very good about marriage is the way that it brings forth the good and growing areas of our lives. Therefore, we are shown in a perfect way just how unacceptable our weaknesses are (like tantrums) and how important it is to break free from destructive behaviors. The blessing of intimacy! We can no longer hide from those parts in us that aren't the greatest.<P>My husband probably thought that during our engagement, my emotional meltdowns were due to wedding plans stresses and now that those are done, I wouldn't have the dramatic episodes anymore. But with the adjustments to being married and living together in a new home, I REALLY had outbursts. And, like you, my husband would withdraw from me (very painful) and our sex life suffered. He feels 'in the mood' when I am happy and any tantrums/tears would make that impossible. I end up feeling exasperated because I want to be physically close, but if I had an outburst, then it's ruined. Not good. And, like your husband, he starts to protect himself by saying unkind things like, 'your credibility is shot' or 'it's a total turn off when you are acting like that'. I would hear these words and feel like dying, they hurt so much. But I hear his frustration behind these words and realize the issue is my behavior and how it is destructive.<P>Give thanks that this issue has come to your attention and you cannot stay the same as you were (having tantrums). Perhaps if you view this as a blessing in your life, you will have an easier time changing. Nice that your husband gave you the 'Don't Sweat...' book - that shows that he does want you to feel better, for him and for your relationship.<P>I can also relate to apologizing all the time and the other person just has had enough of all that. I am an extremely sensitive person, and my husband loves that, but the flip side is that I can really go crazy over very small things and that is an impossible way to go through life, and no way to build a marriage. I know it is hard, believe me. I vowed time and time again 'I will not do this again!' only to find myself right in the thick of some immature outburst. The pain of my husband's withdrawal is a sobering experience and makes me realize how destructive my actions are when I act out like that. Keep this in mind when you are going into that tantrum mode.<P>Something else: make certain to develop accountability on this issue. If you have tried to stop, but keep doing this destructive behavior, it might take your willingess to say to your husband, "I need you to help me be accountable about this. Will you remind me, if you see me about to have a tantrum, of my commitment to stop doing this?" That might be a way to help your husband believe you're serious about stopping and it might build a team effort for you two around this instead of it being about you stopping and him being happy you did! :-)<BR> <BR>I pray all the time about this and my family is praying for me and my marriage, also. You decided to get married (I'm assuming) because you felt that the life commitment to each other was the right thing to do. It still is. I know that God brought me and my husband together and there is no way He has left us high and dry now! I cry out for help to Him and I wait for His hand to bring good from this time. He always brings good, even from the crises that are so painful to us. Like I mentioned earlier, give thanks! You are offered the opportunity to change and with God, all things are possible. Embrace your marriage, thank God for your husband, and surrender these tantrums to God. He knows best what you need.<P>All the best to you.<BR>sd<BR>

DEAR sd,<BR>THANK YOU FOR REPLY. BUT PLEASE FOR GOD SAKE DONOT PUT YOURSELF IN MY POSITION.BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN ONLY MARRIED FOR 2 MONTHS, EVERYTHING IS FRESH FOR YOU.PLEASE CONTROL YOUR TANTRUMS ORELSE YOU WILL BE LIKE MEAFTER 16 MONTHS AND HAVE A MARRIAGE BREAKDOWN.I WILL DEFINETELY USE YOUR SUGGESTIONS, YOU SHOULD ALSO USE THEM.I WILL ALSO PRAY FOR YOU.