Hello,<BR>My fiance and I have been engaged 6 months, dating a year & half. We have both been married before, with children - non-Christian marrages - and are both very committed Christians. Having a God-based marriage and family unit, with church a big part of our family, is VERY important to both of us.<P>The problem is, we are from pretty different types of churches and styles of worship. Although we are both Christian and have the most BASIC beliefs the same, his church is an Assembly of God/more charismatic church, and mine is a non-demoniational, but more of a contemporary Baptist type church.<P>Each of our churches meant a lot to us, basically saved our lives and changed us so much. The problem is, now that we are planning our marriage and future, we have been looking for a new church to go to together, as our family, and we are having great difficulty finding anything we both can agree on. He wants a more charismatic type church, and while I don't mind some elements of that, the "full" thing with speaking in tongues and laying on of hands, etc just makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe it is part of my former distrust of religion and its hypocrits, but it seems to be a phony show type of thing to me. I just don't get anything out of it. I have tried to compromise, and honestly feel I have compromised much more than he has - I have gone more toward that type of church, much further away from the kind I use to go to, that I would pick if it were just me to consider.<P>However, my fiance feels that he NEEDS that type of church, when he goes to anything less he just feels there is something missing. I don't think he's trying to be selfish or controlling...because he is not at all like that in any other area of our relationship. He is a very giving, loving man who will do anything for me. But as a new Christian, he changed and found so much in that type of church that he feels he needs, in order to be the kind of man and husband he wants to be. And he's afraid of losing that. However, I just can't feel comfortable in the extreme Charismatic type of church.<P>Does anyone have any suggestions? We have prayed about it, we have tried different churches. This is our only major area of conflict, but it has been a continuous struggle and I am just so tired right now.

Dear Shelly, <BR>I am also engaged, and I understand that a common church is very important. Luckly, my fiance and I are both members of the same church and are equally committed to it. I am not sure exactly how to respond to you. It seems like every option has been explored and a compromise would be difficult. The only thing I could think of would betp attemd a church that is different from both of the churches you presently attend. From the descriptions you gave of him not liking your type of church and you feeling uncomfortable in the 'speaking in toungs' type, I have in mind a church that is different from both of yours, but is also very centered on Christ (an aspect you both need) I would prefer to tell you about it in more of a private setting than this. So, if you are interested then e-mail me at: jenagirl86@yahoo.com<P>good luck, <BR>Jena

shelleyseale:<P>My H and I met at church, so we did not have to deal with your problem. However, I think the most important thing you two should be looking for in a church is that the teaching is sound and biblically based. I attend a church that sounds a lot like yours, and we love it so much. I love the worship, but the main thing is that our pastor teaches straight from the word, straight through books of the bible. He doesn't do the topical sermons very often, because he believes it is too easy to start picking and choosing scripture to suit your own motives/beliefs.<P>Sorry to ramble... just wanted to share that. Anyway, I am like you. The whole charismatic thing (tongues, faith healing) makes me very uncomfortable. However, I do think that this is an area where you can agree to disagree, and even compromise. Your fiance is going to be the head of your family, so you need to get used to letting him lead. That doesn't mean that you should have no say in choosing your church. I think you should have an equal voice in the decision, but someone is going to have to make that ultimate decision, and that will be him. <P>Don't know what else to tell you. Any thoughts?<P>Take care and God bless you both,<BR>Singer

Hi Shellyseale - I see we're neighbors. <BR>I found it interesting to see how you are approaching the same situation I did nine years ago. Wanda and I are both in our second marriage. Wanda is Assembly of God and I am Roman Catholic, both of us from birth. We are both very strong in our beliefs and churches. There was no compromise. We have found that there is no need to compromise. <P>We have both found that there are differences between our concepts of the other's religion and theology and reality. We are both well educated having advanced degrees in our chosen fields. I am an attorney so you can understand that I know all there is to know. Wanda is a teacher thus concluding, mistakenly of course, that I had some things to learn. I told her that us Catholics had decided in Vatican II that, since we controlled heaven, we would let her kind in but they had to live at the bottom of the hill in the row-houses near the gate and we would find them something useful to do. She reminded me how badly the Catholics screwed everything up over the past 1900 years and that perhaps we needed to be born again even to get a job as gatekeeper. We both feel that Jesus had a great sense of humor. He had to to deal with the likes of us.<P>Enough of the light stuff. That isn't why you're here. Our solution to the problem was to find a way that we both practiced the religion of our choice. It needed to be based on mutual respect and belief that God would be with us every step of the way. We recognized each other as created in the image and likeness of God and therefore worthy. Also, since God doesn't make junk, our individual reasoning based on truth as we discerned it had to be good. We decided to support each other in our beliefs. We attend each other's services together every weekend and on special occasions. We discuss our beliefs and their basis. We explain the hows and whys of our church's practices. We have grown so much in our love and respect for God and for each other that I would have it no other way. Yes, it took effort. I couldn't see it at first but how could I love this woman so much and respect her intellect if I refused to allow her to grow. By doing this I learn more about her and about God and find that this is the important thing in life. Our marriage, the three of us (God, Bob and Wanda)is the prime consideration in our lives and will always remain so. All other things on this earth are to serve this union. If they do, they stay. If they don't, they go, no question.<P>I look at which church for me based on the beliefs and practices of that theology. It is the individuals responsibility to discover and choose. Nobody can do it for you. We can all pray that you do your best but it is you who must seek out the truth. Truth is not a compromise.<P>A different thought: I noted that in your posting you said that you have changed more than he. As you can tell above I don't advocate changing church's to please someone. My problem with your statement is that I sense some resentment. Maybe it's something I'm sensitive about but it indicates that you approach this a deal. I'll move this far but you have to move that far. I hope and pray that you don't approach marriage as a 50/50 deal. Those kinds of deals are for business, not for marriage, at least not for a Christian marriage. Marriage is an unconditional committment of life for life, good or bad, no exceptions. It is the greatest leap of faith a person can make in this life. We don't even know what is happening next week, let alone next year or 10 years, or even 50 years down the road. When marrying I said, in so many words, I give you my life for life, unconditionally, and will love you as Christ loves me, and I accept you unconditionally, as you are, for life. <P>Good luck on your journey. Don't avoid the effort, and sometimes the pain, it takes for these times are the signs of growth. <P>God bless you and give you the courage and insight necessary to achieve a successful marriage and the extreme joys it brings. Wanda and I are convinced it is our taste of heaven on earth.<P>Bob rsltexas@swbell.net <P>

Bob,<BR>thank you for your reply. You approach is an interesting one. Please clarify - are you saying that both of you attend both churches regularly? So a possible solution for us would be to attend each of our churches and learn from each other, have open minds and allow each other to grow in their own church without looking for a "compromise"?<P>That is interesting. However, I don't think my fiance would go for it. I don't know how interested either one of us are in doing the two-church thing. For one thing, that really complicates matters if we both get very involved in our individual churches, in ministries, etc. He is over here working and I am over there working....I would prefer if we could work together. Also, both our churches when we met, and most the ones we visit now, meet at the same times. We would probably have to alternate churches instead of attending both each weekend. That just makes it hard to be 100% present and involved in a church when you're back and forth. We did try going back & forth to each other's church when we first confronted this issue, and this is what we found to be the challenge in this.<P>Also, about your question on my viewpoint on compromise....I do not believe in a 50/50 marriage. I believe a marriage must be 100/100. I think sometimes, a H will be giving 80% on an issue and the wife 20%....and there will be other things where the W will be giving 80% and the H 20%. My point was exactly that....I am not adamant in the fact that we must meet 50/50 on this, I do not mind giving more. My problem is just when I feel that he is not compromising at all. How can you have a marriage where, when your desires are conflicting, one person is not willing to compromise at all? That sounds like a control issue to me.<P>Well, any further thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.<P>------------------<BR>

Hi again Shelley -- <BR>Yes, you understand our togetherness very well as to church. And we are both involved in working at both church's. We work on the same projects and this is by choice. We were involved in Houston with remarriage and remarried support groups. We have a great interest is this effort and since there seems to be a need for this work we are doing it here also. Yes, we do it for both congregations. In fact we will do it for anyone who will benefit. <P>I talked with Wanda about your situation in an effort to get some insight on how you and your fiance would look at the problem as opposed to how Catholics look at it. It is a knotty one. We talked for half an hour and I still felt we had a long way to go. I hesitate to attempt an explanation in short paragraphs as required here. Since you are only a few miles from us would you and your fiance be interested in spending an evening with us at some quiet spot to discuss it further. E-mail me at rsltexas@swbell.net and let me know. If you are I'll ask Wanda and se what we can do.<P>Our resolution is to do whatever promotes our relationship. We know that some things will and some won't, even though one of us thinks it will. We feel that there is so much we can do together that we won't have time to do anything alone.<P>You also have another situation that we don't have. At least I make that presumption. We each had children from our prior marriages but they had all left home before we married. They, of course, were raised in their family's respective church. Some have remained in that church. Some have changed. In your situation, are any of the children still at home? If they are how do you plan to raise them? In who's church? Also, if for instance, one of his children needed discipline, would it be okay with him that you disciplined the child, assuming he wasn't available, or maybe if he was? How about the other way around? <P>I hope some of this helps. We know that second marriages can be a delightful joy. We want your's to be just that.<P>God Bless Bob

Hi again RSL,<BR>Yes, our children that live with us (respectively, we do not live together) are my daughter (9) and his son (almost 11). He also has a daughter who lives with her mother out of state.<P>That is another reason, although I didn't go into it before, that we probably wouldn't be as interested in doing the "two-church" thing - it would be hard to raise children in both churches and further complicates matters. As far as discipline, neither of us mind the other disciplining our children. We very well complement each other in this area. And our children get along great and they love both of us. No problems there.<P>On an updating note....we did visit a church yesterday that we both liked very much. Of course, this is still preliminary after one visit, but we plan to go again this weekend. It seems promising.<P>As far as getting together, that is a very kind offer and might be nice. If you'd like to email me at my private address please feel free, it is shelley@rpsrelocation.com<P>Thank you!<P>------------------<BR>