<BR>I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year and a half now, and just recently has had some "male friends" visiting her when noone else is around. I've let her know that this upsets me and am concerned with the situation. Yet she continues to see them, almost on a daily basis,and seems not to be concerned about how this affects our relationship. What do I do now? OR how do I handle the situation?

Rocketman,<BR> From a woman's point of view, don't jump to conclusions. First, have you directly asked your partner if these males are truly just friends? After, you need to do a little investigating to ensure what your partner is saying is indeed true. This situation proves there are doubts in your realtionship. Calm your feelings about the situation by confronting it and finding out the truth for yourself. It probably would not hurt to make a surprise visit. Remember a relationship is built on trust without it there is no relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to validate your feelings in a relationship, but don't assume things about what your partner is doing confront them with valid feelings and concerns and not accusations. I hope things work out for the best.<P>------------------<BR>JDC

Rocketman and JDC,<P>Trust is a wonderful thing, though I doubt making a surprise visit is likely to demonstrate trust. ("Checking up on me, eh?")<P>From a married man's point of view, I take the middle road (chicken!) I don't think it's a problem to have freinds of the opposite sex that you meet innocently with one-on-one. On the other hand, we have to realize that more than a few affairs have started with a drink between friends, or even the phrase "we're just friends".<P>My wife has a fit if I have a drink or two after work with a female coworker. She doesn't seem as upset if there is another male coworker present, but still not happy about it. <P>If you employ the Policy of Joint Agreement, then if something bothers you, that should be enough for your mate (or prospective mate) to stop the behaviour - just as you would do for her. You will both need to understand the POJA for it to work, and agree to employ it.<P>You're not demonstrating a lack of trust by wnating her to avoid being with male friends, you're just acknowledging the we are human, prone to weakness and temptation, and occasionally, we will give in, and possibly do something that we didn't intend and regret. Until that time, we will probably deny that it could ever happen to us.<P>You need to come to a solution that you can both be happy with.<P><BR>BTW - she needs to take into account that although her motive for being with the male friends may be innocent, theirs may not be! They may be thinking "until she's married, she's fair game" or even "married or not, I'd like some of that". (sorry for being crude.)<P>Even devout Christians are told (by the Bible) to flee temptation. If two unmarried Christians are tempted to have sex, they shouldn't kneel and pray together for strength - they should get the heck out of there!<P><BR>Val<P>[This message has been edited by V (edited April 21, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by V (edited April 21, 1999).]

I agree that trust is a wonderful thing and since the he has already arrived at the moment of distrust, would it not be wrong to truly find out what the situation is with his girlfriend. Yes, there is nothing wrong with platonic relationships and like you mentioned a few drinks, a good conversation and the right opportunity can sometimes lead to things other than friendship. The alternative I have to "checking up" would be: the next time she says she is going to hang out with her male friends, he should say: sounds like a good idea, I would like to meet your friends. May I come along? Trust does not make you blind to the facts and it doesn't say you do not have the right to find out what the facts truly are. The gentlemens advice for a joint agreement is a good one and would probably open the doors of communication in your relationship.<P>------------------<BR>JDC

I have dealt with your exact situation before, only I am the girlfriend with the male friends, so perhaps I can be of help on offering that side.<P>I have always gotten along very well with men, and have 3 close men friends and one close woman friend. Some men I have dated have been very threatened by this and some have not. I used to get very mad and frustrated when a boyfriend didn't like me hanging around men friends. My attitude was "what kind of relationship do we have if he doesn't trust me? and besides, I have had these friends for years before he came along and what right does he have to waltz into my life and tell me I must not be friends with them any longer?"<P>Although there are some valid points to this train of thought, I have changed somewhat on it. First of all, I do think trust is very important in a relationship. If one of the parties is constantly jealous, insecure, giving the 3rd degree or checking up, there is a serious problem with the relationship that lies with the distrustful one.<P>However, if it is a not a real problem of possessiveness or jealousy that demonstrates itself in other ways, just this one situation with the male friends, then the conclusion I have come to is this. Each person in a relationship should be willing to look at something from the other's point of view, and respect those feelings as valid EVEN IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH IT. I ended up coming to the conclusion that even though I knew in my heart nothing had ever or ever would go on with my male friends, I was 100% true about them only being friends and nothing else....what was important was that this made my significant other uncomfortable and threatened him. Therefore, whether or not I agreed with his feelings, and whether or not I would have the same feelings were the situation reversed (in other words, my argument of "I wouldn't care if you had females that were truly just friends" wasn't relevant) - what I needed to recognize and respect were HIS feelings on the subject.<P>And it didn't mean I had to give up my friends and not be friends with them anymore. But in order to respect his feelings, I did agree not to do anything alone with them, in other words either be with a group of friends or have my boyfriend with us too. And this was reasonable to both of us - he didn't expect me to give up my friends and I was willing to respect his feelings.<P>There are other issues where something he does bothers me...well, if he doesn't understand or agree with my feelings, would I be happy if he just ignored them and decided since he thought he was right, my feelings didn't matter? This is exactly my philosophy. Even if he didn't agree with my feelings, I would hope he would respect them enough to treat them as valid and do something about it.<P>Two other quick points. In my case, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my friendships were truly that and nothing more. But like someone else pointed out, your girlfriend may think they're all innocence but the male friends may have other intentions. Second of all, I have also come to feel that it is really not appropriate for someone who is married or in a serious relationship, to be alone with a person of the opposite sex in any very social or casual atmosphere. I know that is old-fashioned, and a million miles from how I felt 3 years ago. Yet I believe it to be true.<P>Hope this helps, and I hope your girlfriend will be respectful of your position. Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>