My girlfriend is 44, I'm 33. I love her very much and we are very compatible in many ways, but now we are taking some time off from each other to give us space to think objectively whether we should get engaged and married. She is in great shape, but I am concerned that I've always wanted children and she doesn't and is too old. I'm also concerned that she will start looking old long before me, and then I'll be tempted by younger women. And I sometimes wonder how important IQ is: I'm very bright, while she is also bright, but not on my level. So often I feel "bigger" than her. Maybe this is why our sex, which was great in the first weeks, declined to just once or twice a month. Should I rather date other, younger, more highly intelligent women with a stronger sex drive? Or am I just making up these "excuses" to find a way out of commitment? I don't want to be stupid and lose a wonderful woman. But maybe there's someone out there who is just as compatible and wonderful, but younger and brighter? Am I making any sense?

You make since. And no matter who you are with your human and will always look at other<BR>women. Talk to her she what she thinks. And go from their.

If you are having these doubts now, you are right to wait before entering a commitment to marry. As for the sex drive issue, many women reach their peak "horniness" in their forties and beyond, so the apparent lack of drive on her part may be just a symptom of other problems.<P>Good, luck.<P>Rich<BR>

Thank you to Que, and RichL for your insightful responses to my post. You have raised some important points.<P>At times, I feel so in love with my girlfriend that nothing else seems to matter. However, I learned years ago that contrary to the widespread cliche, "love is not enough." Dr Harley seems to be saying a similar thing when he cautions us to consider our compatibility (BEFORE we get married) in the five key areas where it is very hard, if not impossible for us to change: intelligence, energy, social interest, cultural background, and values.<P>So in addition to love, we need two more things: compatibility in the areas where we are not likely to change, plus implementation of Dr Harley's key principles (such as his policy of enthusiastic mutual agreement on everything we do). Without these additional two ingredients, we are setting ourselves up for problems later.<P>Getting back to my own relationship: I regularly feel that I am "carrying" my girlfriend, and when I feel like that, I cannot get sexually excited about her. A good partnership is just that: a PARTNERSHIP - between EQUALS. If, as Dr Harley says himself, there is too great a difference in IQ (or in the other four key areas of compatibility), then our communication suffers, we do not feel seen in the way we need to feel seen, and all sorts of problems arise.<P>So it's better for me to face these facts now, and take the consequences, as painful as it is: my girlfriend and I can remain excellent lifelong friends, but we are not a good match for lifelong marriage.<P>Thank you for helping me in this learning process.<P>Gentle Fires

I would strongly recommend not proceding with this relationship into marriage. Sexual incompatibility and lack of desire this early in your time together is a major warning sign. Your wanting children will become a larger issue as you get older. Either she is not the woman you should marry or you aren't ready for that step yet.