<BR>Hi, I am in a Long dist. internet rel. We are planning on meeting soon. We have known each other for over 10 months. He is 32, I am 27. <BR> When I first met him online, I used to spend hours (over 6) a day chatting with him. We kept up this for about 4 months(many times I would choose him over sleep). Within the last few months, I havent been online chatting with him like I used to. He has complained about it , asking me why I dont have time for him anymore. I explained to him that its not that I dont want to spend time with him its just that sitting in front of the computer for hours on end I cant do anymore like I used to. I cant neglect my housework or family and friends. We are in different time zones(9hrs diff) and his night is my day, etc. I try to be with him early in my mornings so that I have the afternoon to do errands, visit people etc. He made a remark one day and said to me, "Let me know if you can fit me into your busy schedule". I told him that when we are together(when we meet) we will have more time together and we will be able to do things together. I dont think that it smoothed things over. <BR> He isnt close with his family like I am. My Mom, sister and brothers are very close and we are always there for each other. They are a big part of my life, and I try to spend time with them. My friends are also important. He takes it the wrong way when I say that I cant be online for hours like I used to. I know that he feels that I am neglecting him, but its hard to only have an online relationship. I told him that I will have all the time in the world for him when we are together in person. We both love each other and have compromised on many issues but cant seem to compromise on this. Now, we spend about 30 hrs a week online together, we used to spend about 50 hours a week together until about a few months back. I try to make him understand how I feel, I understand how he feels and many times I have stayed home and was online with him instead of visiting family/friends. He does make a lot of sacrifices to be with me online also, I know as of late that he is making more sacrifices than I currently am. I do feel guilty when I say that I have to go offline, I know he gets sad as do I. I dont know what else to do or what to say. Any help is appreciated!! Thanks!<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Ocean (edited July 19, 1999).]

Boy this is a toughie....you have been chatting with someone online (never having met in person) and you say that you are in love. This man is already presurring you for your time and you haven't met face to face. Most married couples do not spend 30 hours a week talking to each other and here you sit in front of a machine and have a relationship with someone on the other end for OVER 30 hours a week. (My butt would hurt!!!!)<P>I am extremely worried about you!!!!! Because this man seems to me to be the Control Type, he has you feeling guilty by not being online with him all the time......Please try to imagine what it will be like when you do meet or even worse....when that ring is on your finger.....I am afraid that you will become HIS property. I am not too sure that this is a healthy attachment for you.<P>Just some advice.....please don't be too upset by reading this. It is my initial reaction to your problem.

Ocean,<P>I used to have a boyfriend who lived in the south of England and I lived in the North. We met on Holiday and when we return from holiday we met up one weekend a month. We talked on the phone for hours. I like this guy and he liked me but I had to ask myself one question. "Which one of us would have to move and go to the others home. I knew I didn't want to leave my close net family and I knew my job was important to me. I also knew he loved his job and loved his family and wouldn't want to move up to the North of England with me. We had to make some tough decisions and they were hard and I cried alot but I knew it was for the best and so I got on with my life and after a short period of time I met a guy in my town and he is now my husband. <P>I am not telling you to give up this guy but to think about what I have said "would you be prepared to leave your family and friends, would he?"<P>You are in a long distance internet relationship. I want you to answer me this question. When you read a book without pictures you imagine the characters. Even if there is a description you picture in your minds eye what the characters will actually look like. Then one day you see the book adapted into a film. The film characters look so different from the characters you had imagined. Think about this. Will this guy be as appealing in the flesh?<P>You say this guy spends hours talking to you over the internet, doesn't he have any other things to do, does he work? To have a healthy balanced interdependent relationship (interdependent - two people who join together and can be as one) you need firstly to have two people with independent lives who bring to the relationship themselves so they can work as a team, they blend together.<P>In a healthy relationship there is respect, trust, love and both adults can slip in and out of the adult role. If one person is controlling the other this is not happening.<P>Are you prepared to sacrifice you to make this relationship work, this is not a good basis for a healthy relationship. You need to be still able to be yourself but to blend to your husband or boyfriend and compliment each other.<P>You don't have to give up being you to be loved by someone else. Not in a healthy balanced relationship anyway. Yes you do have to give time to nurture relationships but 30 hours a week is alot. Most couples don't have that much time to spare. Spending 30 hours aweek means you need to give up being your usual self and this is unhealthy. You must be depriving yourself of sleep this is very unhealthy. <P>If you continue to have a relationship with this guy make sure that he also has to compromise and talk to you in your time zone time. I also suggest that you set aside a few times a week to chat, explain to your boyfriend that inorder for you to carry on the relationship you need to stop neglecting other areas of your life. You need sleep and you also need to see your friends and family, this does not mean you don't care about him. It just means you want to maintain yourself. You could say isn't that what attracted you to me, the fact that I am me.<P>Good luck, "You don't have to give up you to be loved"<P>Thanks<BR>Jo

<BR>Thanks for the advice. Of course, I couldnt explain my situation in total detail on this page. He has compromised with me many times, he isnt some control freak lol. I think that the problem is that we should have never spent so much time on the net when we first met and he is comparing the time we spend now to that. Of course when anyone starts off spending hours upon hours with each other then a few months later if it gets less then anyone would think that the other is pulling away from them.<BR> He is willing to come here to where I live and make his home here in the US. I know he does have a problem with wanting to spend as much time with me as possible, he does realize that we both have independent lives but he says that I make him happy when we are talking together and that I have brought so much joy into his life. I also feel the same towards him, but I think he needs to compromise more on how long we can talk. <BR> Every relationship has problems and we are willing to resolve anything that comes our way. Nothing will be perfect, we understand that. I guess I just needed to vent a little in my first post. I am a very independent woman and I have always been the type to do things when I want , when I say, etc. I have always been only with "me", I guess I am not used to having someone else in my life. I have had relationships before but I never really took them seriously. <BR> Anyways, thanks again for responding, I am glad that I found this website. Take care =)

Ocean,<P>I am glad the advice was welcomed, I too sometimes want to post to vent my annoyance.<BR>I think this is one good reason why the board is so effective.<P>I am glad you're boyfriend is willing to leave his home and go and live with you in the US. Yes you are right we all have problems in our relationships (it would be boring if everything was perfect lol) If we can all talk about our problems with our boyfriend/girlfriend then when communication is good it is more than likely that the relationship is good. (Honest, open communication is one of the keys to a successful relationship).<P>I sometimes describe my husband to others and their reaction is he's a control freak, what they don't realise is that I am over exagerating the whole thing because I am angry and we all are guilty of making a mountain out of a mole hill when we are angry. I am glad that you're boyfriend is not a control freak lol)<P>The picture I get of you're relationship is different than the one i previously got after reading your first post, I think a relationship between too people can be wonderful if there is give and take. You sound as though you are both trying very hard in this area. (Always try to keep the giving and taking balanced). <P>I can agree that when we are first in a relationship it is very difficult to remember that in the relationship there are two people and that the relationship needs time and nurturing. I would say you two seem to be nearly there, if you're boyfriend is able to compromise on the time you spend talking. <P>I think it is good to be a couple without marriage for a while and allow each other to sort out areas of you're own lives which need sorting. e.g impatience, tolerance etc. Qualities such as these that will strengthen a marriage. Courthship is a good time to learn these.<P>Good luck and I wish you both a lot of happy times together and hope that you can soon meet in person. I think it will help you both when you meet up. <P>Take care.<BR>Theressa

Wow that is a problem, but not one I haven't encountered before. My mother met a man on the internet, talked to him for over 6 months for many hours everyday. She decided to go meet him (she said she loved him) and when she called from up there in Washington she was already married. Needless to say, she moved all her stuff way up north, left her family, and when she was there about a month or so, realized he was not what she knew on the computer. He was really very different in person and also had an acohol problem which she did not know about before. The end result was she moved back home, is currently living with my sister and is divorced. She spent alot of money, time, energy and had to "eat a lot of corw' to those people who "told her so". It was a very devastating experience for her, one thats he promises she will never make again.<P>So in telling you this story, please do not think I am saying your "friend" will be like this or that it will end like this. But it is worth being very cautious over and taking it very slow.<P>My prayers will be with you. Please keep me informed as to how it continues.

Thanks Angie for sharing that with me. I am aware that we have to be cautious in this world. He and I have both decided that when he comes here to live that we will live seperately, we will start as friends. We will not have an intimate relationship until we are married, if that is in the cards!! We both are willing to be patient and build a relationship that will last. It will be hard to not want to rush into things but we will do it , building a friendship first is always the best thing to do. I will keep you all updated when we finally meet which hopefully will be in a few months. Thanks again , take care =)<P>------------------<BR><P>

Well I think you are smart to not live with him and become friends first and more especially not being intimate until you are married. I have found that it just ruins everything if you choose to be intimate before hand or at least for me it did. I wish you lots of luck and once again just be careful even though you already know that.