. I am having a few doubts about getting married and this is the reason why…………the only thing we disagree about is money and I really think it is a pretty big issue. We have our own checking accounts and then we have a joint account that is used for household expenses-mortgage,utilities and groceries. The problem is…my boyfriend makes more money than I do and he expect us to split everything down the middle. If we do split everything that leaves me with three dollars to my name every month. We have been in disagreement about this for two years. In the past I have even threatened that we would not marry if this isn't worked out. Well, here we are again, we are talking about getting married in Sept. and we are still in disagreement. I don't know what to do. I love him more than ever but I don't feel like we are together as one. We don't see eye to eye on this money thing and I have to sit and stress about money all the time. I want to feel like I am being taken care of and I don't feel that way with him. Don't get me wrong….I don't expect him to support me but I do want to feel like I am being taken care of and that I don't need to worry about money. You know, I have always had to take care of myself and after 31yrs. I just want to be able to have a sense of peace and know that I have somebody to relay on. My boyfriend is a wonderful man who treats me very well and we have a lot of things in common. I really feel that I would never ever find anybody else like him. I am just frustrated with this situation, it makes me very unhappy and I don't know how to handle it. Do I give him an ultimatum, do I roll over and be "Miss little passive" (I don't think so!) or do I just leave. I am afraid if I do give him an ultimatum that he will just say "ok" see ya and then I would lose him forever!<BR> <BR>HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>

Does he realize what kind of financial strain that would place you in? Let's pretend you make $600 bucks a mth, and makes $1200 a mth. If you split the rent even and it is $500 a month you come out the big loser!! Is he honestly aware of this?? Just a suggestion, but how about eliminating your separate accounts and having only the one acct.? I kinda know where you are coming from....before my wife and I married we lived together and split rent, utilities, groceries, ect down the middle. She wouldn't say anything but I did start to notice her struggling with her "own" bills and asking me for money here and there. It was more than I could stand. I always made quite a bit more than she and knew that it wouldn't hurt me much to take on a more fair approach to paying the expenses. Now we have one checking account, both have direct deposit, our money blends together. But everyone likes to have a little extra spending cash lying around. Be persistant, because if you are like me the bills may be paid, but if I don't have $20 in my wallet I feel broke!!! By the way, it's not worth terminating a relationship just over money. You could say "Hey if it's gonna be this way, I can't do 50/50. I can do 30% of this bill, 50% of that bill." Maybe that would get you some results. Know what I mean? <p>[This message has been edited by txfiddler (edited July 22, 1999).]

Take it from me get this money thing sorted before you marry. If it is going to put a strain on your happiness, then its going to put a strain on your relationship. This is not a good start to married life. <P>I know what I am talking about because for years I've been having the same conversation with my husband. I used to work part-time and so he paid most of the bills. Then three years ago I started to work full time. My wages were a lot lower. All the bills came out of my check accounts. My husband paid for all of the shopping and clothers. I had hardly any money left and I felt depressed and fed up. We had his things and her things. If I bought something it was mine, if he bought something it was his. Most of the household items were his. I knew that if we separated that by law this couldn't be the case but when I checked with my solicitor she said its a hard one, if he has a car, you may have trouble get half of it. It is better if things are shared. I knew the solicitor was right but it wasn't me who didn't want to share.<P>Twelve months ago I was promoted at work and so my income came above my husbands. However, my husband can do overtime and so he still ends up with more take home pay. I do all the housework and look after our 5 year old daughter. My husband is a truck driver and work irregular hours. I out of respect do all of the housework because I know that his job is very taxing and mine is less taxing because I work set hours and work in an office. I generally thought that in return my husband would share his over time pay. I was so wrong, don't get me wrong he'd take me out now and again but I never felt like I was appreciated for doing all the housework and minding our daughter. I brought this up with my husband and he said my overtime my money. I said well then why should I do your share of housework and your share of the childcare. He said well its naturally womens work. I was horrified, my just left the room. I left things as they were up until a couple of months ago. To be honest now I've been promoted I do have some spare money but just not as much as he does.<P>I am not greedy but I do believe in fairness, my mum was a housewife and my dad worked and he shared every penny because he said that they were a team.<P>A couple of months ago I we decided that we had, had enough of rented accommodation and so we wanted to buy our own house. This sounded great but I knew that if I contributed a full 50% I'd have no money spare. I told my husband this and he replied I don't want you demanding me to share my money, its my money. I began to say I realise that you work very hard but I also work hard, I work full-time, then I come home and cook, clean and look after our daughter. You say its natural well if I stopped doing it we'd be in a mess. I do it because we are suppose to be a team. I am play my part in the team but you seem to think that you don't need to do anything part from work full-time and contribute 50 % to the finances and that is it. That's unfair if I do your 50% of the housework, cooking and childcare why can't you be generious enought to share your overtime pay. I left things there and left the room. Somedays later my husband was telling his sister that we were contributing 50% each when we moved. Then he mentioned that he wanted to change our car next spring and my reply was I can't afford to, a more expensive car is out of the question. I can't contribute 50% to it I am going to struggle contribute 50% to the house as it is. He went away and a couple of days later he said, "May be we should put all our money together, you pay all the bills out of your account and we'll pay for anything else out of my account and whatever is left is shared. I am not sure if this will work but at least I've let him know that being mean is not part of being a team in marriage.<P>Suffering in silence doesn't solve anything. You say you are scared in case he leaves you if you speak up, well can I say its better for you to know now, than to have a miserable time once your married. Little problems now can become big resentments in time and do you want this kind of resentment in your new marriage.<P>Hope this helps. Communication is the best gift a relationship can have. Talk to your husband to be about this now before its too late and becomes a big nasty resentment which as Dr Harley would say is a love buster.<P>Hope to speak to you soon<BR>Jo