About a year and a half ago, I met Al, the most wonderful man. He's a fellow Christian, divorced six years ago, with very similar values and interests to mine ... perhaps the kindest, gentlest, most honest person I've ever met. We've shared our pasts, discussed our goals and dreams, and truly believe that God led us to meet. We each have two teenaged children, who get along together very well. I believe we are both honest and open with each other, we make our needs known, and to this day we have never had an argument. (We're not naive enough to think that will never happen, but we would never want to hurt each other, and I believe we would handle our disagreements well.)<P>We often discussed marriage, agreeing that we are well suited to each other and, perhaps in a year or two, we would marry. Having both experienced divorce, neither of us was anxious to rush into anything, although there has been no reason to believe we would not share the rest of our lives together.<P>Recently I and my two neighbors were approached by a commercial real estate <BR>developer. One thing led to another, and my home is now to be bought for development at the end of the year. Faced with little equity of my own (I recently had to remortgage the house to pay off debts from my first marriage, and any profit I realize must be split with my ex, according to the divorce settlement), Al and I discussed my options for a new place to live. Although <BR>I had little to put down on a home, I made quite a good annual income. Al, on the other hand (who lives in a tiny apartment with his two sons) had substantial savings in a 401(k) plan which could be used for a down payment, but doesn't have much of an annual income to qualify for a home loan. <BR>Together, however, we could manage quite a nice home for our two families. <P>As we discussed the possibility, it became clear to us that we could not merely live together, and give our children a poor example of Christian living. We decided that we would just move up our previous timetable, and get married now. We have put money down on a home which is being built for us, and will be completed in mid-November. We plan to marry the end of <BR>September.<P>All this sounds great ... he is the perfect man for me, the love of my life, and this is the answer to my prayers. He treats me like a lady, and loves me, I know. However, something he said a few weeks ago has caused me some concern. I'm not wondering if I'm making the right decision; I'm wondering <BR>if he is. When I told him I was marrying the desire of my heart, he said (in that calm and honest voice of his) that he loved me very much, believed that God had led us together, and knows that we will have good life together. But, as far as the "desire of his heart", he wasn't sure he could honestly say he felt that way, and that perhaps, in time, he could.<P>Although I appreciate his honestly, I was a little taken aback. I thought he loved me as much as I love him. Now I wonder if he isn't "settling" for me (rather than continuing to seek that women who is the fulfillment of all his dreams) because he desires this new home and a good stepmother for his sons. I have no quarrel with his desire to choose a woman who could help provide a better atmosphere for his boys ... I'd do the same in his shoes. I just <BR>don't want him to feel, years later, that he short-changed himself, personally, for the sake of his sons. <P>Perhaps I am overly sensitive, as this is what I feel I did in my first marriage. I had a somewhat lower opinion of myself then than I have now, and it felt nice to be "wanted" by what I thought was a good and stable man. But I "settled" for a man I loved as a friend or brother, rather than as a husband. As it turns out, he had BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and life with him was far from easy, to put it mildly. After 21 years of marriage, and watching what it was doing to me and my children, I sought a divorce three years ago. I'll grant you I have no personality disorders, so it wouldn't be quite the same thing. But lately when I look at Al, I wonder if he loves me enough to take this step. He says what we have together is <BR>enough to build a good and lasting marriage, and he wants me for his wife.<P>Should I "get out of his head" and stop imagining problems? Or am I right to <BR>question this on his behalf? <BR>

mystifly-<P>You are right to question him on your and your child's behalf. After all, if you get married and it doesn't work out, it is not only his problem. <P>Getting married for money/security reasons is probably not the best idea. Nor is getting married merely for love if the couple has many other conflicts. <P>Although I know it seems like a good solution to your problems, I don't think you should get married now. It's no more Christian to get a second divorce than to live together w/o being married. <P>I'm not trying to sound judgemental or condesending. I read your post and it sounds like you are getting married now (rather than later) for convenience. If you wait until you are both ready, committed and the desires of each other's hearts, it could be a strong, successful marriage of love AND convenience. <P>I hope you work things out.<P>Take good care,<P>Myra

I absolutely agree. His comment would leave me speechless and really make me wonder what he's in it for. Someone else in this forum wrote this in a post, I think it was facing choices and it really spoke to me, perhaps it will help you. <BR>"It’s like this: If you have a plant, the plant needs water, sunshine and food. If you just give it water, lots and lots of water, and you never give it sunshine or food, it is going to die. You can have all of the best intentions when giving it water, and yes, it does need water, but when it is screaming for sunshine, and you dump more water on it, you aren’t properly caring for the plant. Does that make sense? I’ve gotten more time, and yes, I need time, but there are lots of other needs too. H needs time from me – that is why he thinks I need time from him too. I do try to give him more time and conversation. But, the fact remains that I need some other things beside a warm body in the house and his time. IF that was all I needed I could have a roommate. I really want a soul mate."<BR>