I am currently engaged to a man I met at church almost a year ago. I was so excited when we first got engaged because I assumed that since he went to church he was a much better person than my ex-husband and all the other guys I have dated. After a couple months went by we got engaged, first of all a little too early I think in looking back now. He started to change....he continually complains about everything....everything. His job, me helping take care of my neice and nephew, my Aunt and Uncle, my spending money, even my dog. I have found now that he is a very judgemental person even though he really doesn't have himself together all that well either. For example, he is 30 years old and he lives with his parents. He has a decent job, but has charged so many things for them that his credit cards are really high so moving out on his own isn't an option for the moment. I also have a credit card from my previous marriage that is extremely high. I pay it along with all my other bills without any help from anyone. Gosh there is so much to say about all this I hope I am making sense. Anyway, he also is very dependent on his family (i.e., his mother and sister). he tells them everything. They know my financial postiion, what my salary is, and even when I charge something on my credit card. We have doscussed all of this and he has agreed that the griping needs to stop and that he needs to keep things to himself more. He is a very opinionated person and comments about his opinions whether it hurst people's feelings or not. He is jealous of the kids at my church, guys of course, but they are 17 and 18 years old. They come up to me and chat and give me hugs and stuff like that but it is merely a friendly gesture because we are good friends, but he doesn't see it that way. He is very jealous of them and I have told him that we are just friends and beside I am 10 years older than them. I am just so scared I might be making a mistake but here's the kicker....he has been going to my church all hsi life, I just joined about 2 years ago. Even though everyone there knows how he and his family is, I am stills cared that a break up between us would cause havoc in the church and that is something I do not want to be the cause of. My whole family goes there and I am really happy there so I don't want to leave the church.. Also I made the mistake of taking out a loan in my name for him for which he makes the payments...what if he stops paying for it when we break up? That will put me in a very finanialy hard position. I have talked to him and talked to him telling him what I expect out of a husband and what I have to give. He will never allow me to talk about my ex husband or what he did to me or how I feel about all that. he just gets mad. He makes comments that hurt my feelings when I try to joke around and stuff like that. <BR> I hope this all makes at least a little sense. There is just so much to tell.<BR>I am so confused and don't know what to do....does someone please have any suggestions ot helpful solutions?<P>------------------<BR>Angie

Angie-<P>If you are not sure you want to marry him, don't. I knew I wanted to marry my H even though I had fears about getting married, I never questioned if I wanted to marry him. <P>Maybe you need some time. Can you postpone the wedding for now? Then you would have more time to work on your problems together and make a good decision.<P>If the people at the church really care for you they will understand if you decide to break things off. You need to do what's right for you. Please don't get married just to avoid "rocking the boat". <P>As to your relationship, if you are uncomfortable with him telling his family every intimate detail about your life you need to let him know. <P>Dicuss how the both of you would handle money once your married. If you agree to split expenses and have separate accounts, then tell him to mind his own business where your money is concerned. If you decide to join accounts, work out a budget that includes buying fun items for yourself and going to the movies. <P>If he is judging you and it hurts your feelings, tell him that. Tell him "I feel bad about myself when you point out all my mistakes." He probably doesn't realize how his comments affect you. <P>Good luck to you.<P>Take good care.<P>Myra

Thanks for your info....first of all we postponed the wedding it was supposed to be in April and we haven't set another date and I don't intend to for now. The sad thing about all this is that I have told him that I do not want him discussing my affairs with his family whether it be financial or other it is none of their concern and I confide in him, meaning I trust that he will keep these things to himself so its kinda like he is breaking my trust by blabbing it all to his family. Also, when he says hurtful things I do tell him and he gets defensive and just wont talk. As far as the finances are concerned,we have dicussed it numerous time and he just doesn't know how to follow a budget and hardly can ever pay his bills when he makes good enough money to play with some and pay his bills with some.<P>I know you are right about the people at the church and I definitely do not intend to marry him right now, but......am I expecting too much from him? In wanting him to not share all my business with everyone, wanting him to think I am great and love me without saying ugly things to me?? If I have already talked to him and it hasn't gotten better yet what should I do??<P>I love him but am not sure it is all worth it anymore....because of what I went through in the first marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Angie

Hi Angie, you replied to my post and I read yours and would like to try and help you. <BR> When people go to church it doesnt justify that they are a perfect person. Everyone has faults. The question here is , do you love him enough to stick by him and help him change for the better and is he willing to stick by you and help you change for the better? Is he your best friend, do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Think to yourself and list the reasons why you love him, also list the good and bad points about the relationship and if you can live with that. He may not ever change, he will only change if HE chooses to. A woman cant change a man and a man cant change a woman, the other party has to be willing to change. I believe that communication and compromising make up a huge part of a relationship and without those two, the relationship will crumble. I wish you well, and hope things work out for you. Always remember that you need to do what is right for you , not for everyone else, you have the power to live your life and choose how you want your life to be. Dont ever cut yourself short, listen to what your heart says and then decide. Let me know how things work out. =)<P>------------------<BR><P>

Angie, I have to reply to you. If you are unsure than don't get married. I am totally speaking from experience, it is much more humiliating and complicated to get married and then separate or divorce soon after.<P>I found myself in the infidelity forum only six months after getting married. I never, ever, ever had any doubts that my H was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I never imagined he could cheat on me - but given the right time and opportunity many people can be tempted.<P>My advice to you is to deal with that loan. Talk to a lawyer or the bank to see if there is someway to have your fiancee be at least partially responsible. Or draw up an agreement with a lawyer between you and your fiancee which holds him responsible for the loan. It won't be concrete but it will be something. Trust me on this, finances become so intricate once you get married!<P>Next, realize you can't change someone. Only that person can make the changes for himself. You can be supportive and encouraging but in the end - you can't change him. His spending and budgeting habits are likely to remain the same - my H's did.<P>The people at your church - they shouldn't even factor into your decision. Look at it from the other way. I have no idea what your religion is but it is likely that you would be more shunned (maybe not the right word) if you were to marry and then divorce. You would not be fulfilling your vows which would be much worse in the eyes of the church then breaking an engagement. If you are involved deeply with the church talk to the pastor/minister privately. He/she will keep it confidential, they would have to, that way you could be put at ease knowing you were doing what was right for you.<P>I know what I'm talking about. I've been married, separated and well on my way to divorce all within a one year time span. Talk about total humiliation. To add to that, separating finances is next to impossible after you're married. Now I might lose my house and other valuables because of the law here. My h's impulsive spending habits put us in debt - debt which I thought we'd have lots of time to pay off, but now that we're married that debt's half mine.<P>My h now says that he had doubts before the marriage. I think it's just a justification for his affair but if it were true I would have wanted to know. That would have saved us a LOT of pain. What I've gone through in the last 6 months I wouldn't wish on anyone.<P>Good luck, please let me know how you're doing.<P>

Wow Alice, your situation sounds exactly like mine did with my first marraige (I certainly never though it would have ended that way either). I have to agree with you on the can't change someone thing and I don't and haven't tried to change him but he never allows me to be myself. I have been married before and it turned out awful and heart wrenching....you'd think I would have no problem with this one. Thanks so much for your reply the main thing you made me see is that my church should not be factored in this decision at all. Thanks you so much.<P>Ocean thanks to you too for your comments. The compromise thing is very hard for him b/c he hasn't had to compromise most of his life he is the baby of four and he is still treated like a baby. I am having trouble repsecting his position with his family b/c he is so passive. He does what they tell him to do plus he still lives with them. I am having a problem with that too. Thanks to all of you for helping with this and if you can read or see anything into this that i am not seeing, please feel free to be open and honest....thats what I need right not.

One, more thing, my H lived with his parents until we got married and our new house was finished. Be VERY wary of someone who has never experienced living on their own and being independent financially and emotionally. There is a certain maturity which comes from that. My H was definitely lacking in that area, and of course when we separated guess where he went?