My boyfriend and I are deciding to get engaged, but before we do so we wanted to really layout our expectations of each other and our marriage. Before taking the time and effort to make up questions and answer them together we have been searching to see if there was already a contract like questionaire for pre-marriage. There has got to be something like this, it is only logical that people sit down and iron out their goals and motives for marriage and future expectations. Can anyone help?

Lori, I don't think you guys really need such a 'contract'. First off, there's no way that you can 'plan' a marital relationship beyond the simple mutual agreement to treat one another with utmost respect and trust.<P>The most important thing in a marriage is absolute, 100%, honesty. Never hold in your feelings and needs. For example, say that, after you've been married for a year, a good-looking guy at work makes a pass at you and you are turned on by it. The most important response (beyond stepping away from the flirtation) is to tell you husband about it that very night. Chances are he will get a little turned on by knowing that a handsome stud made a play for his gorgeous wife. What he will KNOW, more importantly, is that he can trust you.<P>Sid

I have to agree with Sid; afterall Marriage itself is the contact and like we all already know, it's to honor, love, and respect one another til death do you part; however, I see no reason why you shouldn't sit and and even put on paper each of your expectations of the other. Actually I think that's a great idea so that the other person will know whether or not they beleive they will be able to stick with it. Unfortunately, these days it relatively simple to "get out" of a binding contract and just because you would have a contact doesn't keep the other from cheating etc. I think if you can sit down and discuss reasonable expectations with one another and most importantly that you love one another for good time and bad, no contract is really necessary. There is one key ingrediant that will make you marriage work with out fail, and that's God. As long as you both keep God first in your life, your marraige will not fail. Good luck to you.<P>------------------<BR>

Lorij24,<P>I think that it is an excellent idea to findout about one another first before making a commitment, I for one wish I had. <P>I was reading an article some time back about a vicar who gives pre-marriage guidance, I don't know if all pastors or vicars do but its worth asking.<P>If you don't have a pastor of vicar that does here are some of the sorts of questions the vicar in the article I was reading asked the couple in a questionnaire he gave them at the beginning of the session.<P>1) Do you wish to have children?<BR>2) How would you discipline those children<BR>3) What sort of qualities do you feel you have to bring to marriage. <BR>a) Honesty, how would you define honesty<BR>b) Patience how would you define patience<BR>c) Trust, how would you define trust<BR>d) Respect how would you define respect<BR>e) Love how would define love<P>4) How would you handle conflict, describe what you would do if your wife disagreed with your opinion?<P>5) What role do you see each other in?<BR>a) Career minded, no children<BR>b) Career minded, with children<P>6) Who will put there career on hold to bring up the children, if you want children?<P>7) What would you do if your mother interfered in your marriage.<P>8) How will you avoid infidelity?<P>9) How will you irradiacate bad traits that you have before you marry.<P>10) What literature have you studied together regarding relationships?<P>(Now I suggest that each of you go away and speak to each others family and friends and gather all the information about each other you can)<P>Then he asked them to come back the following week and he asked them to discuss the questionnaire and share their answers. He then asked them to tell each other about their past (including good bits, bad bits and past relationships) he then asked them to discuss the present and how they felt. Finally he asked them to describe there future in 5, 10, 15, 20, 25,30,35,40,45,50 years. The couple's remark was why? The vicars answer was because many couples don't see past the wedding day.<P>The vicar after six weeks of the above sessions he sent the couple away for six months and then asked them to return. During the six months he instructed them to make sure that they could agree on areas of the questionnaire that needed mutual agreement in a marriage. The questions about qualities he asked individuals to work on. <P>The couple returned in six months to discuss the questionnaire and were asked to fill out another copy of the questionnaire. The vicar analysed the answers on the questionnaire and then decide whether he felt the couple should marry only then would he marry them.<P>I think if everyone had to go through these steps marriages would last much longer.<P>I hope this helps<BR>Theressa<P>

Hey, Theressa, as I was reading your above post, it occurred to me that the kind of thing you describe (the vicar's deal) would be essential for couples who didn't really know each other well, and, probably, for all others, as well.<P>In my last post (above yours) I downplayed the idea of a 'contract'. I would like to clarify my view(s) in this regard. My wife and I were virgins when we married forty years ago. We were from the same small town and knew each other very well, first as friends for three years, then, one year of being engaged (so that's really a total of forty-four years of being close.) I think it safe to characterize the three years of friendship and the year of engagement as being an extended time during which we pretty much addressed most of the things in your vicar's questionnaire. Thus, by the time we actually 'tied the knot', neither of us had any doubt about how things stood.<P>However, perhaps the only one missed was your number 8) How will you avoid infidelity? My young, and beautiful, wife and I simply assumed that we were immune (please don't laugh too loudly.) Since I had done quite a lot of reading about the social need for the liberation of women, both generally AND sexually; in particular, Bertrand Russell's "Marriage and Morals", I am sure that my belief that one person can love more than one other person made it seem to her that falling in love with a second man would be quite natural. We had, and always have had, deep discussions over such things as love and sex and I remember well when we talked about the dual love concept. It was right when her affair was ready to start. What we didn't talk about (because of my total trust in her loyalty to me) was that if one is already in a married love situation that it's not a good idea to launch into another one with a second person. She was only nineteen and very naive. Her lover/boss was a handsome doctor and seventeen years older than she. He had great charm and humor.<P>Oh, well, but for that one glitch all those years ago, we have had a fantastic life together and very few differences, none very significant.<P>Forgive me for digressing so.<P>Sid

Sid,<P>I sure wish that 6 years ago I'd done this very questionnaire myself. I have spoken to my husband about infidelity. We agree that there is no excuse however the other day we were talking about an old friend who had an affair but his marriage is still intact now six years on. My husband said it is just something that some men do to feel young again. I said this is no excuse, if you are having problems in your marriage you should sort them out and not go off to have an affair with someone to get the needs you have sorted out. My husband might I add has never visited this site and isn't ask educated as myself since I visit this site regularly. He said its not to meet his needs, I then realise he only thought that s*x was a need and didn't know what I meant when I said the S*x wasn't the only need people have, they also have needs of excitement etc. My husband said no he just wanted to feel young again. I left it at that. <P>What astonished me was that he made the excuse that it could be okay for a man to do this. I made sure he knew it wasn't. <P>I think it is the hardest job I've ever had been in a marriage, that and being a parent.<BR>You have ups and downs. <P>I am battling with my own marriage right now. My husband calls me names, I've may have already told you in another post. I have been trying to ignore him, he says its for fun. I think it boost is self esteem. I find that when we get so close he starts to call me names or does something annoying. Is this I wonder to back off because he feels he is loosing being himself. I don't know?<P>I think that if couples could all do the questionnaire prior to marriage things such as the ones mentioned in the questionnaire could avoid people having to do what I've had to do. That is learn the hard way. I met my husband when I was a mere 18 years old. I became pregnant not too long after we met. (I accept I was naieve, I thought everything was fate). I was totally shocked but I wanted to stay with him. Over the years we both have treated each other quite badly. I was always very passive, he always dominant. He still hasn't enough respect for me. He was an army man. He thinks that the definition of respect is when you have earned it, eg because of what you do or have done. i.e he respects his mum cause she's had a hard life, he respects those who have earned it by having things hard or who are older. He doesn't however, believe me when I say that everyone deserves to be respected, respect is considering others. He says he want's respect first. I keep trying to tell him that I do respect him but get annoyed when he calls me unnecessary names to wind me up. He is mellowing slowly. <P>Without me being cheeky could you give me some advice since you have alot more experience than me about marriage. How would you handle this? <P>Hope you reply soon.<BR>Theressa<BR>

I'm going to email my guy this questionnaire and see what comes up.<BR>I agree that some kind of focus like this is vital to a healthy marriage. Because you'd be surprised the sort of things that don't come up in the usual courting conversations. And it's those seemingly abstract stuff that can come back to haunt a relationship...<BR>

Lori,<P>I can help, and it's only gonna cost you about $12. (And none of it goes to me).<P>Click on the "Bookstore" link above and order "The Four Gifts of Love". This book is an excellent workbook for engaged and newlywed couples---I've used it as a workbook for pre-Cana (pre-marriage) counseling, and the couples have loved it. It's a distillation of Harley's concepts on how to have a good marriage:<P>The Rule of Protection (no lovebusters)<BR>The Rule of Care (meet each other's emotional needs)<BR>The Rule of Complete Honesty<BR>The Rule of Time<P>This should cover things exactly. And it's great that you're learning them early---most of us on this site have learned these lessons much later, and at greater cost.