I'm engaged to a man that was married for 8 years and has gone through a very nasty divorce that lasted 2 years - she came home one day and told him that she no longer wanted to be married - right now they are going through custody with the child - the mother really doesn't want the child but she doesn't want him to have the child either <P>my problem is all he does is talk about his ex-wife - over the past 4 months every one of our conversations has had some type of discussion about what kind of person she was sometimes to the point that he forgot what we originally was discussing - he has told me before the only difference between the two of us is the fact that I wear my hair short - he even said that if she would repent and become the wife that he knew she could be that there might have been a chance for them to reconcile early in our relationship even after the divorce has been over for 2 years - <P>yes I've been understanding but the other day he went to far - he compared me to her and he said that I reminded him of her - that's when I lost it and told him that for the past few months I've been competing with this invisible woman that has a name and that it was not fair to me to get the brunt of this emotional pain that he really intended for her - I feel like he is not being fair to me <P>so I've postponed all wedding plans and I'm ready to leave the relationship alone completely - I told him until he can get over her and I don't feel like I'm marrying him and her then I can no longer be with him.<P>the problem is he feels that he is over her and that talking about her is okay - what do you think I should do now<P>[This message has been edited by oliviagarrett (edited September 30, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by oliviagarrett (edited September 30, 1999).]

Woah. You're starting to look at things a little deeper. Imagine your humiliation when it is your husband ranting about his ex-wife who could've only been the one if she had behaved better. He's obviously not over her. Whether he's over her or not, he hasn't come to a point of being at peace with the entire situation. The fact that you look like her is not a coincidence. I really would consider giving him some space, but do it for YOUR sake. Take time to build yourself up to the point that the person you attract will mirror your own strength and devotion. I can understand that when you are in it, the delirious behavior starts to make sense, but what is going on is just not right. If you're spending too much time trying to keep your self-esteem up based on what he's saying it's time to take matters into your own hands, take care of yourself, and remove him and his troubles from the equation.

Hi! Your post really hit home for me. I would say I'm in your fiancees position. The same thing happened to me. It's very hard to describe the feeling of someone coming home one day and telling you they just don't want to be married anymore. Your whole world turns upside down, you question everything about yourself and others. I would think it would be even more complicated when you add a child to the mix. <P>I think your fiancee is probably ready to move on - but it's a terrifying thing when you consider that the next person could turn around and do the same thing to you. I'm not saying you would but you know what they say - once bitten, twice shy. I would sit down and talk to him, ask him point blank if he is afraid of you doing the same thing his ex did - on some level I know he is. Plus, keep in mind that marriage is about love and divorce about money. It's sickening to think that your relationship has come down to a level where you're bickering about who should keep the china, t.v., etc. Stay honest with him and yourself though, that is the key, be direct with your feelings towards his ex, his child, and your expectations once you get married, it will save you a lot of heart ache.

my situation was simalar, before my h and me were married , he was married to his x for 5 yrs. they had 2 beautiful children togather.. his x had an affair and left him with the children..he was devastated by that..when we got togather he talked alot about it and at first i agreed with you but then i sat down and thought about the situation he was in . i would need someone i trusted the most to talk to . i also was glad he talked to me about it becuase he didnt keep me in the dark about his feelins. i think it brought us even closer.. he still talks about her but not as much .. he will stop like my h did but you have to give it a try and help him thru it ... we are married and have custody of both children even though she came back and tried to seperate them . we are closer then i ever imagined....<BR>i m glad he talked to me...........it made it alot easier to understand some of his feelings......