I've been dating someone for 2 years. We have talked about marriage for some time. Recently, discussions became more specific and we planned location, etc. He agreed it would take place some time this fall. We don't need a lot of advance planning because we are only having immediate family and almost all are close by. Anyway, on one occasion we named a couple of specific dates. One of them has passed and the other one will soon. I'm getting really frustrated because it's clear to me he didn't really mean it when he said he was ready. I did not give him an ultimatum of any kind but I was very excited when we began making plans and we both communicated the news with our families. His reasons for not taking that last step are numerous. Some he doesn't admit are a problem but seem to be. This includes finances (I think I earn more $$ than him although I do not use it against him in any way). I own a home and he shares an apartment with someone so he would move into "my house". I consider it ours already. He was married before under pressure and I've made every effort not to do anything that would be considered the same but as the dates pass, I am getting more and more upset and it is making things overall worse and giving him even more reason to hold off. When I express my unhappiness about the situation, he stays that I should be happy either way. He says if he makes me this upset, it probably isn't a good idea anyway. I am not unhappy about the way he treats me overall but about the fact that he got my hopes up and still hasn't had the courtesy to make a committment or directly say he won't is causing me a lot of hurt. He still acts as if something could happen in the next month. It's not possible at this point due to scheduling issues. Anyway, the latest reason he gives is that he is concerned about sexual fulfillment (sp?). Since we came to this conclusion, his hours at work have increased dramatically. He works nights over the weekend (and sleeps during the day) and I work days during the week. I don't see anything changing under these circumstances. I'm beginning to feel like it is more of a "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" situation but I know I am no saint here. I just don't know what I am supposed to do different. I suppose I should leave it an let things go but I am very hurt and I am dealing with the people we both told that we were getting married. I just wanted to hear what other people's thoughts are. He is a wonderful person in all ways and I think he just wants to be sure he won't be divorced again. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees and we both know that so I don't know if I am just getting excuses from someone who is changing their mind.

lostone, i doubt you're going to like what i have to say. i've been married 27yrs and while i won't claim any expertise in marriage, i have experienced your situation.<BR>i had recently separated from my 1st wife, maybe only 2 months or so when i met my 2nd wife to me. we dated some. she lost her job and moved in with me. i didn't want her to because i just wasn't ready at the time for that degree of involvement. but i couldn't deny her. so she moved in. we lived together 2yrs.. she was always after me about marriage. she finally told me to shxt or get off the pot. again, i couldn't just tell her i didn't love her and didn't want to marry her. i didn't want to hurt her. i was weak, afraid of being alone again. she was and is in love with and i just couldn't tell her that. so we got married. to this day, i have always had my doubts. i have never really loved her. i never fell in love with her. i used to say, i was so lucky. i found her, a real angle and i wasn't even looking for her. she is a wonderful person and she loves me in every way. but i can't return the love. i guess i love her but i'm not, nor have i ever been, in love with her. this isn't fair to either of us. <BR>i now know, a man must be willing to stand on the highest mountain and proclaim his love for you, without prompting. he must get down on that knee, in front of everyone that's important to you, again without prompting, and ask for your hand in marriage. he must do these things without and before you ask him. he must commit to you and ask you to do the same.<BR>if he hasn't done this and won't do this, you have to decide to stay just to be with him and break it off and wait for the real thing to come along.<BR>please don't encourage him to tie the knot.<BR>good luck!!

Thanks for your response. I agree that I don't want to push him too hard. That will only push him away. I guess I'm just hurt that he brought it up (honest!) and he wasn't really ready. It has always come up as a generality but it was his original offer to make it specific. I guess he felt that things were good for the moment. Part of me is scared that he won't completely committ although he claims he still wants to and the sensible part of me is glad he wants to be sure. I already have a child from a prior relationship and I don't want to put another child through that. I just don't know how to control my nature that wants answers. I've done better over the last week though although that often requires mumbling under my breath and/or leaving the room. Fascinating thing is, we've also found some other interesting things to talk about. I don't have concerns about the relationship. I am sure he loves me and I'm sure he is sure of his love for me. I'll just have to hang loose.<P>