You know, I started this out being a relatively nice letter...then he just came out and said that I should tell the truth about what has happened the past few days. We have fought and fought ever since we got married and quite honestly, it's getting really bad. The past few days have consisted of breaking windows and doors, throwing clothes outside and loading them into the car, ruining our financial status (we run a daycare) just to make the other mad, and today, well, I just lost it. I completely attacked him. I just didn't know what else to do. The past few days have been so horrible and last night, I could've sworn we were okay, but I guess we weren't because this morning he really flipped out on something that was so menial and so stupid, and it just sent us right back to where we were. He got mad because I hadn't gotten up and immediately brought his clothes in, and that I had on shorts that he didn't like. Can you believe that clothes can ruin a marriage? Here I am, the naive and stupid one that thinks that infidelity and dishonesty, and sometimes even time ruins marriages. BUT CLOTHES??? <P>I just don't have any clue what to do. I'm not looking for the all too famous answer of you should leave because that just isn't an option. I'm not ready quite yet for that. I haven't felt like there has been enough time for either one of us to put our hearts into it. I do know one little thing...I can't put up with this much more. He got suicidal, and totally lost control. That cannot be healthy. You know what seems so strange to me? When things are good, things are the best they have ever been in my life (not that things have ever been so wonderful that I have much to compare it to) but then when things are bad, they are worse than they have ever been. I've been in abusive relationships, cruelly violent and abusive, actually. I was raised in a home where violence and anger was a regular occurance...one that you could count on at least a few times per day. And I'll tell you what, none of that compares to what I feel when I fight with him. Okay, I feel somewhat better. I got my feelings off my chest. I'm sure I'll be back to talk soon. He's about due to start something else huge...it's been plenty long enough.<BR>Thank you for listening.

did you think about counciling? maybe something deep down is bothering him? i know when my h gets upset about something he goes to silent treatment then i know theres more to the story but we learned to control and communicate to each other when we both had a chance to calm down.................... hope everything works out . <BR><P>------------------<BR>

I'm sorry to hear you're having problems. May I suggest a book? It's "A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man Without Him Even Knowing It" by Michele Weiner-Davis. It takes two to tango so if *you* can step out of this dance of destruction it'll help alot. <P>

Well, things have certainly gotten better. We are back to our normal, loving selves and I'm oh so happy to have us back. We talked about why his not talking bothers me so much, and we determined what causes each of us to react the way we do to anger. I didn't think about it before, but my father used to get violently mad when I was younger and not seem to tell me why and his mother does exactly what he does...just doesn't voice her opinion and only makes comments to prove points. We are so new in our relationship, and I am a firm believer of the saying, "you can't think your way into a new way of acting, but you can act your way to a new way of thinking". I'm thinking if I break him of the "quiet habit" now, then he should have it embedded in his head pretty soon. Well, it's a nice thought anyway...

Hey got to say that your story sounded very familiar. My husband and I have been married only for about 4 1/2 months. And I was the one who had the short temper (I too, took after my father). But the way we started working on communicating was we went to our pastor at our church (we can't afford a marriage counsler, so we thought the pastor was the next best thing). We sat for about 2 hours and discussed all issues that are going on inside each of us. My husband brought up stuff that I didn't realize I even did..or wasnt aware of how much it hurt him. It has only been a few days since we met with our pastor, but everything seems to be going pretty good. We both agreed to sit and talk for at least an hour each day (he works 2nd shift and I work 1st shift plus I attend college at night..so we dont see much of each other). Also I took a marriage class (was a few years ago when I was suppose to have married another man), and I learned that if things get to bad, and you cant sit down and talk about it...write everything down ..the positive and the negative things in your life. And discuss them with your spouse. This way it clears up a lot of things without arguing and also it helps you learn more about your spouse. Because you can always learn something new about the other. Good luck

please tell me that you do not fight in front of the daycare children

It's been so hard for me to get back on here lately! As a response to the last post, NO! We do not fight in front of the daycare children. Strangly enough, our fights really only get bad when we are alone. That I haven't quite figured out yet, either. When the daycare kids are here, and my kids are here, and the schedule of this home is busy, busy, busy, we just don't seem to find anything to fight about. Then, when we are sitting here, alone and with no kids, we just pick at each other until we push each other too far. Things are settling down alot, though. We have even managed to keep all of our doors in tact for a few weeks now! (It sounds funny for that to be such an accomplishment). <P>As for the post that brought up counseling, we haven't yet talked about going to counseling. As I said before, we are very new into our relationship, and with the past lives we have had, seeing what we both saw growing up, and going through the relationships we have, I think before we resort straight to counseling, I'd like for us to try and work this out on our own. We talked about our fighting the other night, and decided we are done testing each other to stay true to the "thick and thin" line in the vows that most couples promise. Our vows didn't include that line, but the point was the same.<P>Anyway, I better get in there before he comes out here upset because it's so late and I'm still on this computer (it's almost 3am - yuck!)

Your story sounds very familiar to me. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and we went through so much of the same ridiculous insane fights. It scares me now to think of it. We almost broke it off several times. Gradually, the fighting has diminished. It still pops up from time to time but not nearly as bad as before and we are much more controlled than before. We both have very short tempers. In addition to counselling, I think one thing that helped us improve was that instead of always blaming the other (which may often be justified), I started really looking at myself and what I could do to make things better, even if he didn't help or he was initiating the problem. I always turned the focus to me and tried to see how I could make it better. It's hard at first to swallow your pride and your desire to be right, but once I started doing this, he calmed down also so we both won. One of you has to take the first step if you want it to get better. I just thought I'd share with you to let you know that there is hope for real development and harmony. It just may take a little longer for those of us who have a more spicey relationship.