I am engaged to a man who is getting divorced. He wants me to sign a prenuptual agreement. I don't think that is a good way to start our marriage, but I know that it make him feel safer. What do you think?<P>------------------<BR>Christine

Christine,<P><BR> Been discussed pretty heavily here in recent months, do a search on "prenuptual" to see tons of opinions. I could be wrong, but I think that many agree that a prenup is contrary to trust in a marriage, but I know others will disagree. Personally, I think it betrays a lack of committment to a marriage. (would YOU fly in an airplane if the pilot had a parachute, but not you?)<P>In any marriage, there will be times that test your resolve and love for each other. If one partner has a "I have nothing to lose" attitude, he/she will be unwilling to put as much effort into doing what it take to get past the tough times.<P>I come from a "middle class" family, am far from rich, and have no "rich" friends. So it's easy for me to say "what's mine is yours", if I had a chunk of bucks lying around, it would admittedly be harder for me to be so generous. <P>I'd say if this guy figures his financial interests are more important than you, or his love for you, I'd be inclined to show him the door. <P>Then again, I'm sure some folks would say if I were "smart", I'd be rich.<P>At the very least, have your lawyer review and approve the prenup so that if this guy bails, you won't be left holding the (empty) bag.<P>Val<P>PS. You say he's getting divorced - why? Could it be that he didn't put enough effort into saving his first (or most recent) marriage? Should this worry you? Some folks get married and divorced 3, 4, 5 times. Is he sure he's found "Miss Right" this time?<p>[This message has been edited by V (edited October 28, 1999).]

Christine, My husband and I recently got married (June 5, 1999), and not once was a prenup brought up between us. Maybe because we are not from the rich side of town, and we dont have the fancy toys. If this guy really loves you like he says he does, then he would not say "sign on the bottom line". Is he saying that if you dont sign..he wont marry you? if that is the case, I would think twice about being with him. Love, commitment, honesty, communication and lots of laugher is what holds a marriage together. If he doesnt trust you in being with him until "death do you part", maybe he is not the one for you. And I have the same question as Val did....why is he getting a divorce??? Keep us up-to-date and good luck

This is the story of my fiance's previous marriage.<BR>He was actively pursued by his ex-wife. She went to parties where he was, hung around with his friends, and solicited him be be romatic. She became pregnant, so he decided to marry her.<P>He soon found out his mistake. She would spend money extravagantly, and tell lies. For example, she claimed that she had a Ph.d., but couldn't substantiate it. He eventually asked the college where she claimed to have granduated about her degree, and they said she had never earned it.<P>After the baby was born, she wouldn't work to maintain the house and the child. My fiance would take care of the baby before work, come home for lunch, take care of his daughter, and then go back to work. She didn't cook. <P>After the birth of his second child, the two of them stopped having sex. She started going out at night, coming home late, without saying where she was going. <P>He came home one day and was served with court papers saying they she wanted separation on the grounds that he had been abusive. <P>He paid $40,000 from his retirement fund to enact the separation. She took the money and went to a foreign country where the divorce laws and child support laws were in her favor.<P>Since then, he has paid $30,000 in lawyer fees to try to get the divorce. He also pays her $18,000 a year in alimony, plus child support. A recent court hearing found that she is also collecting welfare, and is not looking for a job. The kids are 9 and 8, and she has a masters degree is social work.<P>Christine

Are you marrying the man or his money? You seem to already be questioning his actions or motives behind the prenuptial when you already know his situation. What is the worst that can happen...you put tokens in your love bank by signing and saying I am marrying you for love and realize that your baggage will be something we have to overcome.

I agree with Kimmer. Your fiancé was badly hurt financially by his first wife. He has reason to feel the need to protect himself. This is not an issue with you, or the marriage, it is an issue within himself. Signing the agreement is not tantamount to signing the death warrant on your marriage. It is a way of showing him that you recognize and understand his fears, and that you will do your best to treat him honourably.