I've been married for two months, but have been living with my husband for 1 year prior to marriage. My problem is his ex-girlfriend. She has consistantly been in <BR>contact with him throughout our relationship,and it's getting worse. He claims they are "just friends", but they <BR>talk on the phone almost everyday, he's fixing her car for her this weekend, he runs to her whenever she "needs" him, and I'm getting tired of it. He claims she has no<BR>one....(his family helps her a lot also) and she threatens suicide because she is lonely.<BR>If I complain about the amount of time he<BR>spends with her, I am branded as uncaring. If<BR>I keep my silence, I begin to feel abandoned and hurt inside. I don't think they are sleeping together, but their bond is a deep one that I don't think will ever end. I love this man, but this is my second marriage, and my first one ended because of infidelity. By the way, before he met me, he<BR>lived with her for seven years...the car she is driving is his...he still uses her credit<BR>card, and whenEVER she needs help of any kind, he rushes to her aide. I think I already know the answer to this, but I thought I would try to get an objective opinion.<P>thanks,<BR>tyrus<P>ps, my husband's first girlfriend committed suicide,(about 15 years ago) and that still affects him to this day. That is the *only* reason I have been understanding about this situation...but, even then my patience is running thin.

I'm praying for you.

Thank you Christopher. I really appreciate that. I guess what you're saying is...I've got a major problem, eh? <P>------------------<BR>tyrus<BR>

Thank you, I didn't mean you had a huge problem. My girlfriend called today and we have broken up. I'm really sad and know that it is time to move on. Yes we had sex. But, it was awhile back and we just have problems. I never gave up on her though and just wish she loved me.

Maybe we are married to the same man? Or our husbands dated the same woman? It's a ****ed up situation. My H lived with his ex-g/f 10 years, "just friends" for 5 more.<P>I have tried EVERYTHING - being wonderful, fufilling all his needs (most of them), phoning the ex g/f and telling her to cut it out, leaving my H, pouting, screaming, calling an ex-b/f of mine just to put my H on the other side for a while (worked for a while), counseling - EVERYTHING!!!<P>My H has abandonment issues. He can't turn his back on his ex and she knows it - she works it to her advantage and squeezes money and help out of him. Gawd I just hate it!!! Why won't she just go away? <P>My H has a white knight syndrome and he loves to tend to the needy. A noble ideal - but not in the case of his ex-g/f. She won't take care of herself as long as she's got him to be her savior. <P>My H also has a need to gloat. He gloats about me to her - sick, isn't it? It's a form of abuse and she just takes it cuz her payoff (money, being rescued, keeping their relationship going, feeling unlovable and loved at the same time) is worth the hurt. <BR>Yes, she's an abused child of alcoholic parents so being treated poorly is familiar to her. <P>It concerns me that my H's need to gloat, rescue and not abandon are needs I cannot fufill. And it scares me. It scares me that I married a man with such a huge character flaw. <P>he's home gotta go bye<BR>

I think you've pinpointed your husband's reason for feeling obligated to stay close to his e: the suicide of his old girlfriend. He is still carrying the guilt of "not being there for her", and does not want to risk that happening again. Certainly, you are in within you're every right to request that he not see her anymore. But perhaps before you make that request again, you can attempt to befriend this girl as well. Next time he heads over there, why not offer to go with him? Maybe if you get ot know her a little you won't feel so threatened. And once she sees you two so bonded together, AND she gets to know you as a kind and caring person, she'll back off. If he refuses your company, then you can begin to ask him what he has to hide by not wanting you around when he's with her (in a non-blaming way). This will cause him to question his own motives. Good luck!