My boyfriend and I, both nearing college graduation, have been together four of the past five years. We are reading Dr. Harley's books together in a sincere, mutual effort to strengthen our relationship. We're not yet ready for marriage, but hope to be in the next few years, although it's not absolutely definite we'll marry each other... my question is this: How many relationships did you and your spouse have before you were married, and how has that affected your marriage? I'm concerned, because neither my boyfriend nor I has much relationship experience (except with each other). I was 16 when we first got together, and had dated a few other boys first, the one I'm with now is my second "boyfriend" and he has even less experience - he was 17 when we got together, and was/is shy. He rarely dated and I'm his first girlfriend. We are mostly happy together (have some Love Busters to work through) and both really want to make us work. But I'm worried in twenty years, he or I or both will feel like we missed out on something by not dating more. The year we were apart we tried dating other people but our hearts just weren't in it. Any thoughts/advice for some newbies to the game of love?

Dear Younglove,<P>I don’t think there really is right answer to your question. Love is a different experience for everyone. Some fall in love once in their life and never get over it, some are lucky to experience love many times, some never fall in love. I don’t believe there really is a right age to fall in love, either. When it happens, it happens. The difference with those who fall and love and marry young – and then divorce – is that they lack the maturity to work on their relationships. It sounds like you and your boyfriend already possess a mature understanding of what it takes to make love last, so you’re already way ahead of the game. <P>Don’t force yourselves to date others if your hearts aren’t in it. If you really have doubts as to whether or not this is for life, why not take a summer apart to travel abroad or participate in some type of cause you believe in? This way, you can still develop as individuals and have the opportunity to meet others your ages with similar interests and goals. You’ll know after having seen a bit more of what this world has to offer if you’re right for each other. <P>Good luck!<BR>

Younglove,<BR>I wish that you could understand how badly I wish my story were more like yours.<BR>I started dating when I was very young (12), and then got physically involved at 15. I dated many guys, and I finally ended up getting pregnant at 20, and having a baby by myself.<BR>When I met my H, after dealing with the initial difficulties to deal with a new relationship, I found myself deeply in love with him. The things that hurt us most in our relationship came from our past. We had both previously had other relationships. He was practically engaged to another girl when we met. Every relationship that you engage in, will add to the baggage you will take into your marriage, and mostly it becomes the kind you wish you could have avoided. I strongly urge you to ignore the thoughts that you need more experience with other people, because most of the time they will only hurt you.<BR>I wish you the best!

I agree with both zelhuflo, and spotlight. I would only add my experience here and hope it will help also. <P>I got married when I was 17, and he was 21. Neither of us had had very much experience. I dated a lot, but it was never serious on my part. (meaning I never let it get too serious and the only sexual experiences I had was with the man I married.) Anyway, long story short...for US, the marriage failed because he was not willing to go to counseling or work on our marriage. He was more interested in making money and (frankly) looking at/for other women. Mind you, I am *not* a bad looking woman and it always made me mad when we went to the mall or something and this guy was getting whiplash looking at women and guys were winking and flirting with me! But, somehow, I didn't figure it all out until a little over a year ago when I called it quits. I'm either ignorant, or hard-headed, or *both*. <g> <P>The guy you are talking about doesn't sound *anything* like my ex. He sounds like a mature, caring and loving man who I wouldn't hesitate to commit to. As for worrying about 20 years from now...so many things can happen in 20 years...I wouldn't base my life on worries that far into the future. <P>As spotlight said, you two sound like you're "way ahead of the game", and both mature enough to make this kind of commitment. Taking a summer apart is a good idea also. Don't *make* yourselves date others, but if there are doubts that you are having, you do owe it to yourself to find out if there is something/someone out there that you are "missing out on". Otherwise you may always wonder....<P>I really hope this helps, and I wish you all the luck in the world!<P>hugs,<BR><P>------------------<BR>tyrus<BR>

Thanks to those who've replied to my post. I appreciate the advice and words of encouragement! Dr. Harley's column this week was about How to Pick the Right One to Marry, and in it he advises dating 30 people before marriage. !!!!! But he does also state there is no "magic" number, and that different things are best for different people - a point you all emphasized as well. Thank you!<p>[This message has been edited by younglove (edited December 05, 1999).]