My husband and I have been married two and a half years and have realized over those two years our great love for each other as well as our completely different life goals. It basically boils down to whether or not we will have children. Coming from a family of eight, I enjoy having people around and always wanted a family of my own. My husband, on the other hand, does not want children at all. It's not that he hates chidren--he's great with our nieces--he just DOES NOT want children in his life. <P>We are currently seeing a counselor together because of other issues and this has fortunately come up, but it's hard to see any hope. Our counselor (who is a Christian, too) says this is an issue many couples end up divorcing over. Neither of us wants a divorce and neither of us is willing to let go of our dreams. We really feel strongly about our futures.<P>Has anyone else gone through this? How was a decision made? <P>Any advice is appreciated.<BR>CP<P>------------------<BR>

IMHO it's all a question of timing. Women are in such a hurry to have kids, while guys are content to hold off for a few years.<P>I know in my first long-term relationship, a part of our break-up was because (at that time) I wasn't ready for children, and didn't want them at all.<P>In my current (though not certain) relationship, she wanted children for the first 1.5 years of us being together. And now that I'm ready (emotionally) to have children, she doesn't want to have 'that committment'.<P>I don't propose to have the answers, but I do know that it's all a question of timing, and social pressures.<P>We're raised from children to have children, and generally because it's for someone else's happiness.<BR>I believe in doing things for the right reasons, not because I'm being pressured (by family, or whatever) to do so.<P>You don't say how old you are. I guess this can be a determining factor on why you want children at this time, but I have a feeling that time is not _that_ critical for you.<P>So why do it now, apart from the fact that you want to?<BR>Is it a way to get "the greater family" underway?<BR>Is it a way to make your parents happy?<BR>Is it that you don't want to leave having children too late in life?<P>Having children is as important as not having them.<P>There is no right/wrong answer/solution here. All you need to do is ask yourself "why" you want them now, and then ask yourself the next question, "is this fair" on both you and your partner.<BR>The centralised view of the universe will not work, and is bound to fail. The universe (and all that surround it) doesn't owe you anything.<BR>Giving is more important than receiving.

Mi,<BR>Thanks for your reply. I appreciate any input. To answer one of your questions, I'm 22 and my husband is 24. I guess I forgot to mention that I don't want children right now. My career is just taking off and I'm enjoying time with my husband. I know I want children eventually and that's were he and I disagree. I'm fine waiting until I'm 30 but my husband says he doesn't think he'll want children then either. <P>I guess the reason I want children is that it's such a miracle. I want to experience that. I want to help mold a person into who they will be. I want to see myself and my husband in another human being. I want the connection a family has...to know I'll never be alone. Family is so important to me. <P>(Nobody is pressuring us to have kids--I already have 10 nieces and nephews so there's no shortage of little ones.)<P>My husband is in a job he hates in a field he hates. He wants to find something he'll enjoy as much as I enjoy my job but he's disliked every job he's ever had. He feels like he wasted 5 years in college to get a degree he probably won't use and he feels inadequate that I make more than he does. He feels like he never has time to do anything he wants even though we're home practically every evening. <P>I see the state he's in and I think maybe things will settle down for him in a few years and he'll change his mind. What made you change your mind after that first relationship? What's different in your life now that makes you ready?

Dear Young wife,<P>I think maybe your H is overwhelmed by the prospect of having to support a family especially in light of what you have told us about how he feels about his job. Below you will find my story (its kind of long). I was very much like your H. If you think he might be helped by it show it to him.<P>I barely got out of high school because my grades were so bad. I attended a year of Bible school in Germany (classes were taught in english). The Bible school part was to please my parents. The Germany location was to help me tolerate the Bible school. When I got back home I got a summer job doing carpentry. I was accepted to a college but never went. I just settled into what I thought would be easiest. I usually took the route of least resistance. I married my high school sweet heart at the age of 22 after she had finished school. She made more money than I did and only worked four days a week as a dental hygienist. I had begun to grow less happy with my career choice for a lot of reasons. One day I happened to be watching daytime TV and was introduced to a man I had never heard of before. His name was Zig Ziggler. He was promoting his new book called “See You at the Top”. I was fascinated with his motivational approach to life. I went out and bought the book. The more remarkable thing is that I actually read it! It changed my life!<P>After several discussions with my wife we decided that I would go to college and pursue a degree in Computer Science. Now carpentry to computer science is a big jump. I was 24 years old. My wife supported me in this completely. I worked part time construction and went to school. After only one semester I was laid off from my construction job. We managed to get by on my unemployment check and my wife’s paycheck as I went to school full time. With less then a year of schooling I landed a job as a computer operator that paid me less then I was making on unemployment, but I took it! I worked nights, went to school days and hardly ever saw my wife. This would or could have been a problem but WE had a goal. We made time for each other on weekends. Our first child was born shortly after that. My wife stayed home for nine months until the money we had saved before I went back to school was gone. Then she went back to work 2 days a week and I looked for a better paying job. <P>I was continually looking for my next job. I finally got a programming job with one of the big employers in the area. I was promoted quickly and the pay raises were good. I was placed on a high visibility project and given more responsibility then my experience warranted. I worked literally hundreds of hours of over time. It was exciting and high pressure and I loved what I was doing. Our second child was born about this time. I was still going to night school all this time as well. It took me over 6 years to get my degree. I graduated with honors with a 3.8 GPA. My wife threw me a graduation party and cried too.<P>Lets see, I had my degree and a good job with a good company. What more could I want? Well I wanted to quite my job and start a computer consulting business. Everyone I knew thought I was nuts. I deliberately didn’t tell some people because I didn’t want to be exposed to their negative influence. My wife, by the way, was 100% behind me. Also during this time we built our own house that we still live in to this day. We had some hard times and I was even doing landscaping work for my father-in-law at one point because I was without a contract. I even interviewed and got a job offer from the company I had left to start my business things had gotten so bad. It was my wife who said, “you know you won’t be happy back there, we can wait a little longer.” She was right I finally landed an assignment and we were flat boke. I have been in business for about 13 years and I have other people working for me now.<P>The financial rewards have been great. With discipline we were able to pay off our home in 5 years, put away $40,000 for each child’s education (our first heads off to college in the fall of 2000) and save for retirement. We also give away more money to charity every year then I used to make at my corporate job. Our hope is that I will be able to retire or semi-retire from consulting by the time I’m 50 (just seven years to go) so we can pursue a dream to be more involved in the ministries of our church. <P>Now to give credit where credit is due. How does a young man who has no apparent academic ability or ambition accomplish so much? Only with the desire and strength given me by my God and the unfailing support and love of my wife. She never doubted me!<P>You guys are young. Talk about your dreams for the future as a family. Then talk about what needs to happen to make those dreams a reality. Get a copy of Zig's book. I'm sure it is still in print or you can find one at your local library. Read it together. Do your dreams together! If you wait to pursue your dreams till next year the only thing that will be different is that you will both be a year older. If you start today you will be a year closer to realizing those dreams! <BR>