I am 29 and have been in a relationship for the past 5 years with a girl of the same age who I love very much. Recently we have been going through a difficult period and have decided to 'separate'.<P>It all started about 5 months ago when she made a comment about being bored around me. This upset me very much but I tried not to show it to her and tried to just make myself more 'interesting'. I guess the reason that I was so upset was that we had always prided ourselves on not being a boring couple. Conversation was always enthusiastic, dinners exciting and we thrived simply being together. In some respects we did not have a huge amount in common as we had quite different interests (eg I like surfing and she doesn't and we come from different cultural backgrounds). However we both do have a love of travel and dining together and are both enjoy sport. Ironically we saw this as a real strength in the relationship. Despite our different interests deep down we both agreed that on the 'big' issues like love, honesty, family and trust we had the same core beliefs.<P>After the 'boring' comment I blamed myself at first. I was ashamed of not being able to keep my girlfriend entertained. I upped the ante - we travelled more and did more exciting things but I still felt her slipping away.<P>All this seemed to loosely coincide with her new job. Whereas once we used to make an effort to have dinner together every night I found that more and more she would be working late at work and in fact some times she would go to drinks with her colleagues rather than spend time with me. I know what you are all thinking - no I don't think she is having an affair. She is very honest and I have asked if there is someone else and she said no (maybe I am being naive). So about 3 months ago we decide on a 'break' from each other. <BR>Having said this we still speak on the phone at least once a day (in case you were wondering we do not live together) and the conversations are very polite. We have never raised our voices at each other and she claims to miss me and still love me. The first 2 months apart were very painful but in hindsight very useful. After the initial period of self pity I think we both started to look at our 'perfect' relationship critically. We both agreed that it was easy to see where we had gone wrong. We were obsessed with independence and just did not put enough effort in to the relationship to really make our love grow. We had a great love and I think we relied upon this - it got us through 5 years so there must have been something substantial there. I would even say that I took her for granted. She was very loving and considerate and always sending me cards or just showing that she was thinking about me. Although I always appreciated this I think I did not show that appreciation enough. We have both discussed this at length and I even referred her to this website to read (which she did). I found so many answers on this webside that helped but I cannot find an answer for where I find myself now. I understand what went wrong, our love bank went into the red. Probably a lot of that is my fault but we both agreed that there is fault on both sides. I genuinely want to make things better and she claims to as well. But I just cannot seem to get things on track again and the more I try the more I fail. We have talked the problems to death, we both talk each day and yet she still does not want to see me and she says she just needs time alone to work herself out. She seems to be working very hard and she also says she is very unhappy because she feels that there are so many things in the relationship that she could have done to fix it and just never did. I feel a bit the same way.<P>How can I win her back? Dr Harley suggests slow deposits into the love bank until finally all is well. But the more I deposit the more she takes away. She calls me for advice, to tell me all her problems at work etc but as soon as I have listened and offered support she says she has to go. When I ask to talk about our relationship she says she doesn't want to or makes an excuse to hang up. So many times I have thought I should say something, that I should be angry that she is being selfish but I bite my tongue. I figure that I can take this pain now and if she finally she comes back to me then it will all be worth it. But am I setting a dangerous precedent? I am afraid that if she does not show me she is willing to try to make things work again that I will say something that I regret. I wish I was strong enough to know the right thing to do.

Have you tried asking her out on a simple, no strings attached date? Like going to an amusement park, or hiking, or going to a flea market, or an ice hockey game or something like that?<P>Maybe you should still be there for her, but stop mentioning the relationship. That can be a lot of pressure. <P>Have you tried opening up to her about what's going on with you at work, etc.? <P>How about a small gift for no particular reason?<P>Good luck,<P>Anise

Anise<P>Thanks for the tips. It helps to get someone else's prespective.<P>I think you hit the nail on the head regarding the "pressure" that asking about the relationship puts someone under. Sometimes maybe I should just chill out and let things happen. But it is so hard when saving the relationship is the most important thing in the world to me now. <P>I'll ask her out after christmas for a no frills date and let you know how it goes.<P>Thanks<P>AJ<p>[This message has been edited by AJ (edited December 18, 1999).]

I, like you are in a similar situation. Similar in emotions, but not circumstance.<P>My partner & I have been together for just on 2 years. About July 99, I noticed her creating distance between us, strangely enough shortly (a couple of months) after she started her new job.<P>We're party people. She more so than me, as she's 22, and I'm 32. She also has a 4 y.o. boy from a previous relationship. I love them both a lot, and there's not much that I don't/won't do for them.<BR>She (almost from when we started getting together) started a legal battle with the father of her child, which has only just finished. Something in the order of $15K, and a lot of emotional heartache to boot.<BR>I've been there every time for her. Stopped work, tried everything to make it work for her.<P>She pretty much gave in on all the court stuff, and is (partly) questioning herself about why she's with me. She has her new work friends which are a bunch of fun (BTW, I've not been introduced to them), and because of both our financial situations, the only time she seems to have fun is when she's with them. I feel very left out.<P>On top of that, she works long hours, with late shifts, culminating in (usually) drinks after work with her workmates. She stays out late, and get's even more tired. Then, she has to deal with her child (when he comes back from his dads).<BR>Strangely enough, this is the time that she calls me (sic!) and asks me to come over, and look after her child while she recovers.<P>I'm feeling very used, and just like you, the more I give, the more she takes.<P>In part, I agree with the person who gave the message about a 'no strings' approach, but IMHO girls know better. They know that no-strings means 'strings'.<BR>I've taken an approach of, "Cruel to be kind". I'm not sure if it's going to work, and I also feel that I'm playing games (mental & emotional) with someone I care about.<BR>We are pretty booked up this side of NYE. We're not 'officially' together anymore, but as far as her, and my family are concerned we are (lies, for what reason I don't know).<BR>So whatever committments I've made with her this side of NYE, I'll keep. But afterwards, or any fresh ones, I'll be turning down.<BR>It hurts me to do this, as I care, and want to be with them both. But human nature is to want what you can't have... Not to be a [censored] by it all, but it's a tricky game where (in the end) you have to protect yourself from being sucked under, but leave the possibility for the relationship to get back together.<P>I too have tried talking about it (the most recent being tonight), and she just doesn't want to. Her friends are more important than I am, but I'm useful for her in more ways than just looking after her child.<BR>She is strong, and can do it alone, and I'm sure if it eventuated that way, then she would. It's a razors edge I'm walking, and I think you'll come to the same conclusion.<P>If you do everything for someone, and you take away their need(s) for you, then what is there left to do? What is there left to build a relationship on?<P>I love my partner completely. We don't fight. I treat her as an equal. But in order for her to love me, she has to want me, and if I'm doing everything for her, or am there %100 of the time, she's not going to want me.<P>Grin and bear it. Try and pre-occupy yourself. It's hard, believe me I know.<BR>Go for a walk, that usually helps me.<BR>

Dear AJ,<BR>I agree that you should "chill out" for a while. It seems you are both analyzing the relationship to death. Although it is admirable that you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your relationship, sometimes the best way to gain perspective is to allow some time and space and do nothing for while. This shouldn't be done as a game of manipulation, rather it should be done because it's what you both need in order to feel out life a little without one another.<P>Your girlfriend, it seems, is getting a taste of the world outside you, and she could be playing the "compare" game. She's comparing you to all the new and exciting things before her and somehow you're not measuring up, hence the "boring" part. This is normal when one is exposed to new experiences -- especially when they've been in a relationship for a long time that started out at a young age(?). Just give her the time and space she needs to see that new always becomes old again. Don't pressure her or you'll only push her farther away. Good luck!<P>Good luck.

Thankyou Spotlight and Mi for taking the time to reply.<P>Mi, although our circumstances are different I think emotionally we seem to be at a similar point. I struggle with the same problems as you. It is so hard to be "cruel to be kind" to someone who you love and sometimes I feel like I am playing juvenile games by not calling her when all I want do do is hear her voice. It is such a fine line that I feel I am treading - what if not giving her space is not the right thing to do? How can we reconcile and work things out if we are not communicating?<P>I have taken up sports with a vengeance just to distract myself from my thoughts - it seems to help but as you would know it is still so hard.<P>When we first separated I said to her that I loved her so much I was prepared to give her space, set her free from me and risk everything for the chance that we would one day be together. A noble gesture which in practice I find much harder to abide by.<P>Do you think we have spent so much time giving that we have forgotten about our own needs?<P>Spotlight, I do take heart from your note and I think you are right. I have not spoken to my girlfriend for 4 days not. Not really due to my own doing but because she has been out of town for work. The first 2 days were horrible but yesterday, although I still missed her terribly, for once I didn't feel the need to call her and ask about "us". She called today and we had a polite short conversation - it sounds strange but it felt slightly empowering as I didn't feel the need to talk about the relationship. <P>I know it is early days and this is but a fleeting moment on the rollercoaster that I feel I'm on - but it is something. <P>I appreciate your emails. It is heartening to receive advice from someone who understands.<P>AJ