<BR>About 2 years ago I had a male best friend - I would tell him everything,stuff about guys I was involved with, especially about one guy (Mike)that I was seeing. I told him that I was "in love" with him and when the relationship didn't work out I was very upset and my friend (John) was a shoulder for me to cry on. Over the next 6 months, my friendship with John continued and we began to get very close. About a year and a half ago, John and I began dating and are now in a wonderful, loving relationship - engaged to be married next year. He is my soulmate and I love him from the bottom of my heart. I have no doubts in my mind that he is The One,and am looking forward to growing old with him. The problem is that he still can't get over the things I told him when we were just friends, esp. the stuff about Mike. He is extremely insecure<BR>when it comes to this and frequently asks me "what if you decide you want to go back to Mike? You said that you would always have feelings for him" John has only had one serious relationship in his life (me) and<BR>can't understand my past. We have many discussions about this, some ending in yelling matches and others where I think we have made some progress, until his insecurity rises again. To complicate things further,<BR>John, Mike and I all work for the same organization (about 400 people)and the nature of my position requires me to liaise with all of our different departments. I do my best to keep any contact with Mike to a minimum (I've spoken to him twice in the last 6 months), but it seems as though any time he is nearby, a fight will ensue, between John and I.<BR>Please, what can I do to save this? I love John with all my heart, and have for the past year and a half that we've been together. I don'twant something like this to destroy us and I fear that it might. John has occasionally said that he doesn't know if he can get over this(his insecurity about Mike). His anger isn't always directed at me,but at himself for not being able to move past this. For the record,we are both 29 years old.<BR>Please help!

hi blueberry,<P>what you are describing is pretty classic when friends become lovers -- he is haunted by the past. it's a good thing that your fiance is being honest & open about his feelings. do your part by encouraging him to keep communicating his fears and don't love bust him for it. as for your job -- is there any way at all that you could request a transfer so that you don't have to see your ex anymore? <P>it sounds like you guys have a pretty solid foundation to build on -- but your fiance does need to work through this in order to get the marriage off on the right foot. you say he's upset with himself for not being able to move past this. well, help him and yourselves as a couple by entering into some premarital counseling right away. it sounds like a relationship worth fighting for. good luck!

Blueberry,<P>The next time the subject of "Mike" comes up between you and John use it as an opportunity to express your deep feelings for him. Cuddle close to him and tell him that yes you have had other relationships but you chose HIM over any of the other men you have known! <P>As spotlight points our you need to avoid love busting John with this area of insecurity. <P>A question - is John insecure about you and all men or just Mike? Even if it is just Mike he may have a problem with fear of abandonment from something in his past. I don't see this as a huge problem even if it exists. But some counseling might help. It is very good that you are dealing with this now and not after the wedding. Do you best to resolve this before you take your vows. <P>All the best!! <p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited December 27, 1999).]

Thanks for your responses....John is pretty much only concerned about Mike - this is the biggest issue we are currently facing. He is quite insecure about our entire relationship, even though I continually tell him how much I care about him and how much he means to me. I also try to show it to him by always being with him and being very affectionate with him when I can. The reason I say that is because I am not allowed to become romantically involved with any coworkers. John is aware of this and once we bring our relationship out into the open, it is a very definate possibility that one of us will have to leave our place of employment. I know this is hard on John, because whenever Mike happens to be around I can't publicly show John that I care only for him, I must remain neutral.<BR>I think I mentioned before that this is John's first relationship, and he is terrified of getting hurt. He feels that, because I have had past relationships, some serious, that, emotionally, I would not hurt as much if things didn't work out for us. I guess, in many ways, we are polar opposites, but I love him with all my heart and want to make this work. Despite the differences in our backgrounds, he is the most wonderful person in the world and I am so grateful to have him in my life (yes, I tell him this frequently!!!) I have purchased 'The Four Gifts of Love', as a preliminary step towards addressing what needs to be addressed in our relationship, but am so worried that he will never trust me completeley, and it will end up ruining our relationship.<BR>Does anyone know of anything else that we can do on our own to build the trust?

Would going ahead and finding another place of employment away from Mike, prove to him that you would do anything to help him feel secure about you? Remember: A person must show something ten times more obvious, for another to really see for themselves.

Thanks Monypenny, this is something I have considered. Once we are ready to announce our engagement, I may be forced to resign, as I am not allowed to date coworkers. Both of us love our careers and the company that we work at is excellent and we both feel that we have a tremendous opportunity to grow here. That being said, I have been looking elsewhere, but it is quite difficult, I guess I probably have mixed feelings as well, like "why should I give up my career here instead of John?" - sounds selfish, I know.<BR>I think the root of this problem is his lack of self esteem and insecurity in this relationship and I try daily to deal with that, it gets so hard though, especially feeling like I am walking on eggshells around him at times...

Hello Again,<BR>You may not like what I'm going to say, but looking back at my life, I wish now I had taken someone's advice like this. Please don't get married until this problem is resolved!! If you think marrying someone will fix it, you will find out that after marriage, problems only get worse when you don't take care of them. I know that maybe you think, 'well, I've already set a date,I don't want to hurt him,I want to help his security, etc...'. I would give anything now if I could go back and redo my getting married. I was partly happy but also was very hurt from things my H did back then, but I went ahead and married him. Now all I can remember is hurt and problems. I wouldn't wish this on anyone in the world, so I hope that you see my heart and not that someone is trying to tell you something to do. I only want you to be happy, not just now, but 20 years from now!!! It is truly a miracle, if now days, a person can get married and truly be happy the rest of their days with their mate. Please take it from someone else that hurts everyday...you don't want to go through with something b/c of someone else, and wish 10 years later you had never known them. All the love in the world can't fix these problems. Please get some GOOD help!

Blueberry,<P>Sounds like you are getting some very good advice. One thing does come to mind when I read your statement "should I give up my career here instead of John?" to which I would reply - I don't think that you are having a problem with John's seeing an old flame. That alone would place the onus upon your back to remedy that particular problem.<P>That said, are you sure that John is the "one" for you? The simple fact that you have a question about giving up a job for your possibly pending marriage tells me that you may not be ready for the total and shared commitment needed to nurture a marriage and the incipient family. Also it must be said that your relationship started under a veil of dishonesty with your employer. If you both are so callous with keeping the rules of the company to which you espouse loyalty how can you expect to keep vows made when you feel the vows taken forced one of you to "give up" what is perceived as on the same level with your marriage. Otherwise "who keeps the job" wouldn't really enter into the picture. I think that you both should cool your relationship until you can perhaps get on an honest footing with your employer and then take the previously given very good advice to seek professional counseling about continuing this relationship and solving internal conflicts.<P>The matter of who keeps the job after revealing your relationship may be moot. As an employer I don't think that I would want either party to a forbidden relationship to continue working for me. The rules are in place for a reason and that reason is not so that two folks lusting after each other can take it upon themselves to loose control of their senses and break said rules. The fact that you both did so, and you apparently with both Mike and now John, does not speak very highly to either of your ablities to follow the rules of a company, let alone those of a marriage. Be honest and at peace with each other AND your employer before you consider a marriage.

Noggin, your points are valid and logical, however I feel obliged to clarify a few points. I was involved with Mike when I was in a different position with this company; one where I was allowed to date other employees. I then was promoted into a fairly senior position where I am now exposed to highly confidential information and thus not allowed to date fellow colleagues. I get the impression that you may think that I am John's manager - I am not. My questioning of "why my job and why not his" has never been anything that I have conveyed to John, nor would I; it was more a selfish thought that ran through my head. I am confident that if I was to find a career elsewhere, I would leave and would not harbour any resentment towards John. <BR>As far as your comment regarding my lack of respect for the company rules and policies, I agree with you in concept only. Unfortunately I cannot help falling in love for someone I work with and neither can he. We are prepared to accept the consequences of our actions (if there are any)and have spoken of this quite frequently. I apologize, but I take umbrage at your conclusion that we do not love each other, nor is our relationship sound due to the manner in which it began. Although, after rereading your reply, I am quite glad that you wrote the things you did as they made me think about our relationship and how important it is to me to have it succeed.

Blueberry,<P>Please believe me when I say that when I respond to a post I generally place success in marriage at the top of the list with the highest of priorities. I think that in the absence of spousal abuse and/or infidelity once a couple commits to a marriage they should do whatever is necessary to preserve that marriage. I was the perfect example of how not to handle a marriage since my first one ended in divorce after some ten years. It took a while but I now know that I alone must shoulder the burden of having caused that failure. My only intent in posting replies is to offer any advice that might save someone else from the terrible tragedy of a divorce and all the heartache that it brings to so many especially if children are involved. Please don't feel that I was lecturing you although I am old enough to be your father. I have a son who is 33 and a daughter who is 30. I have spent numerous hours talking with them about the poor decisions one makes in life that can cause untold harm to themselves and others and that can bring about situations that really have no fixes. Both now enjoy highly successful marriages and I like to think that a little of that success comes from my being as honest with them as I could about the mistakes that I made and the steps I took to correct them...and what I've learned walking along the thorny path of life. Far be it from me to lecture anyone.<P>Now that I have read your reply I claim the priviledge of being a little wishy-washy in what I said about your seeing Mike in regards work. I think I was a bit hasty in my reply. John should understand that how much one's heart can hurt if a relationship doesn't work out is not a valid argument for not committing totally to that relationship. If you are being completely honest with John about your chance meetings or work related liasons with Mike, and nothing indicates the contrary to me, then John should accept this as what it is. It is incumbent upon him to make this adjustment in his thinking. As the saying goes, one must learn to continue to play with the small hurts; it builds character. The fact that you will infrequently work with Mike certainly should never provoke an outburst of shouts as you indicate. Past relationships are something that John must accept as a part of growing up. Are you telling me that in John's 29 years of life he never had one significant involvement with another human being or was not so enamored with some activity that he thought he couldn't live without it but that he eventually outgrew? That should allow him to see that one can indeed, successfully and truly, leave behind things that at one time one thought one could not live without. We change, we learn and we grow; we can look back and smile about some things that went before and cry because of others. But, by choice and necessity, we move on and fill our lives with the ability to love more deeply and give more freely. Marriage will require that you both acknowledge this somewhat puzzling fact of human nature and will necessarily result in you both having to be continually adapting to each others normally occuring changes. You just have to continue to be honest and tolerant with each other and work on giving the needed care.<P>One final comment in re your company and how you both relate to it. I am not sure about the timeframe of when your relationship with John took place. If I am correct when I assume that your love blossomed after you (and he?) attained your position(s) of trust with your company then I stand by my statement that this is an error of judgement for you both and should be dealt with forthwith. Falling in love is not something that can't be controlled. As Dr Harley says, we allow ourselves to fall in love by continuing to let someone we find enjoyable continue to deposit love units into his/her account with us. This may be an slightly insidious occurrence but surely not one that can totally daze, befuddle and not be recognized by one who has already walked along that pathway before. We are, after all, responsibile for any of our acts be they of commission or omission. Of course I am not familiar with your company and it's policies save that which you have related. I have flown many years for the military which frowned upon officers forming personal relationships with enlisted ranks for good reason. The airline for whom I flew many more years had a no nepotism clause when I first began my career but later changed probably due to the need to hire as many qualified pilots as possible and the policy proved to be a detriment to obtaining them. Perhaps the fraternization policy of your company may be slack enough for them to overlook your possible infractions and to graciously accept your efforts at being honest with them. Only you two can make that call as you are the ones who will have to live with your decision. I can't imagine a non-military company that is as excellent to their employees as you indicate, finding a lot of fault with two young people falling in love. Just doesn't stand the test of reason unless there is something foreboding of which I've not been made aware.<P>Please, certainly no apologizes needed regarding my thoughts on the love you have for each other since I never intended to convey to you that I doubted the loving feelings that flow between you. Your last sentence is the real kicker. A healthy, happy marriage and a totally fulfilling relationship will survive only so long as you both keep the content of that statement intact. There is nothing on this earth as important or so rewarding as what we give to the one we choose to live out the remainder of our earthbound years. With that statement of understanding and acknowledgement you have convinced me that you are ready. When John realizes what he has found in you I think he will be ready too. Bless you both.

Noggin, thank you again for your wisdom and insight - this forum has truly been a welcoming place for me. <BR>My primary concern has always been, and will always be, my relationship with John and making that a successful one. It becomes difficult especially when dealing with his insecurities. I guess you can add to the list of "hurdles" that we have to overcome a cultural difference, as his family originates from an Eastern country with a heavy emphasis on arranged marriages etc. This is the reason John had not previously been exposed to long term relationships or dating. His approach to our relationship can be both exhiliarating and wonderful and, at times, frustratingly naive. I am continuing to try to build up his confidence and trust on a daily basis although I guess sometimes I feel frustrated (not at him, rather at the situation) that it seems as though I am expected to be the "perfect" relationship guru based on my prior experience in that area.<BR>The work situation is something that will be dealt with. I made my bed and now must lie in it - my biggest problem is that I am the only one in the company not allowed to date others (of course with the exception of mgmt dating subordinates) and thus I feel as though this 'policy' is somewhat unfair. Fair or not though, I will have to deal with it and will, once we are prepared to "go public".

I have been married to my husband for about two and a half years. We had some struggles at first (ours is a blended family), but have learned how to be good partners to each other (with help from Dr. Harley, and others), and our marriage is strong. When we first started dating, I was terribly insecure about a woman he had been involved with (he had lived with her for two years). At the time, she still called him fairly regularly, and turned to him for advice when she needed it. I tried to change my thinking and tried to accept that they were only friends, as he continued to reassure me. Ultimately, I could not, and had to make it very clear to him that, in my heart of hearts, I wanted him to break off all contact with her. He struggled with this, and then decided that his relationship with me was worth it. He chose to respect my insecurity, even though neither one of us completely understood where it was coming from.<P>His acceptance of me was a wonderful balm. It took some time, but with a lot of reassurance from him, and the fact that he followed through with his word to stop contact with the woman, I began to feel less threatened. We were able to talk about it, and I began to realize that I hadn't trusted the (very young) bond between us at the time. I felt that he wasn't completely letting me know him at the time, and I wasn't as much a part of his life as I wanted to be. I felt, of course, that she had been.<P>My point is that it took time to understand this. I don't believe that you should 'call off the wedding' just because you have this outstanding issue in your relationship. We all have issues, and they don't end after marriage! You both are dealing with it openly and respectfully. Over time, his trust in you should build, especially if you continue to let him have complete and open access to every part of your self and your life, unhesitatingly (and vice versa). Changing jobs wouldn't hurt, of course, but that too takes time, and isn't always realistic in today's economy (no reason not to try, however, but you seem to know that).<P>For my husband and me, there were some issues that we were only able to resolve after our wedding. We weren't able to really learn how to be each other's partner until we were married and living together, especially with respect to raising my son together. And I think that observing his commitment to be my life partner every day -- in very real terms -- helped me become much more secure. The insecurity wasn't his fault, of course, but it did become part of our unique relationship, and had to be acknowledged and respected if the relationship was going to work.<P>I hope this helps.