I have a five year old son from a previous relationship. His father is not in the picture at all, and my son does not remember him. I've always imagined finding someone who would love me and as well as my son. I've dated someone for a year and a half, and though he's gotten much better with my child, (pays with him more than he did in the<BR>beginning), but he still isn't all that attentive. I have suggested that perhaps he should just spend some time with my son alone to really get to know him, like go on an outing together, etc. He said "maybe I should." He never has. He is also never affectionate with my son. I don't want my boyfriend to be pressured into being his "father", but I know my child is hungry for attention from a male figure. Ideally I would like to marry someone who truely loves my<BR>child. I worry that if I don't it could have a very negative affect on my child, especially if I were to have more<BR>children. My son is very fun and animated. He's pretty well behaved with the only the typical "bad" behavior of a<BR>five year old. Anyone who's every met him adors him, I don't understand why my boyfriend does not. I know this is<BR>the first time my boyfriend has been around kids, so he doesn't really know what a typical five year old does, or what their needs are.<P>Is it too much to expect someone to "love" your child. I know these things take time. But how long do you wait? How long does it take to develope a bond?<P>I feel sometimes like I have to turn my child into this perfect being in hopes to earn the love of his potential step-father. I immediately dismiss these feelings when I get them because I know it's stupid and unreasonable. I just don't want my son growing up feeling the same why. My boyfried is certainly not mean to him, but he's not<BR>loving either. He's just kind of, there. I've heard stories of men who love other women's children like there own, and even adopt them. How common is this?<P>I'd appreciate any words from people, especially men who have been in this situation. <BR>

When I met my wife she had a daughter that was 18 months old. I love our daughter. We have a little boy together now. What I find difficult is that my wife does not pay me the same affection that she gives to the children. Men need affection to survive. I sometimes feel jealous of our daughter because she gets affection that I do not. I wish that my wife would look at me, just once, the way she looks at our kids. It is very tough being a step-father. My suggestion would be to ask him how he feels about your son. Ask him if he is ever jealous. Be sure to clearly tell him your expectations. <P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless.<P>Mike

Juliet--<P>You're right, you can't pressure your BF to pay attention to your S like YOU want him to...but you can clearly express your feelings and hopes...what will please you. <P>As manderson replies, jealousy could be a factor here. Men want to be the center of their women's universe and at times feel like they're vying for attention from us against a child who usually gets first priority in time and attention departments. I'd guess especially against a particularly charming child who turns heads, this could prove overwhelming. The typical male gets quiet. They don't want to sound petty by complaining.<P>Suggestions: heap praise on your BF's smallest efforts to bond with your S. Show him how happy those efforts make you. Human nature dictates that he will respond more in that department to experience your positive praise again and again. <P>Find that sport or interest your BF has, and develop it more for your S. Men like doing things better than talking about things, particularly for male bonding. I think your BF may be more willing to attend sports events, etc. with your S if it's HIS interest too.<P>If your S has any features similar to BF's, mention it, and say you hope he continues to grow up as handsomely as BF. Just another way your BF may relate your S with himself. And he'll suck up the compliment. <P>Men like overhearing compliments too. Tell a friend or relative within hearing distance about an incident where BF excelled with S, and how very much you appreciate him. <P>There is no clear-cut timeframe for bonding. And remember, your BF may bond better with your S as he grows older. Many men can't relate to such a young child but as their interest levels mature, so might the bonding increase.