Forgive me if this has been discussed before in the past - I am new to this forum! If indeed this has been discussed before, please point me to it. Otherwise, any input will be greatly appreciated!<P>I have been dating my "boyfriend" for 2 1/2 years now. We met through a mutual friend, and I fell head over heels for him soon after we got together. At that time, he was finishing school while I was just starting school in another state, so our relationship started out long distance. We tried to see each other every month of so, and for a while, we were very successful. However, the distance really put a strain on us, and that created some difficulties for us early on. Anyway, while I have always been very faithful to him, he cheated on me with another girl very early on in our relationship. When I finally found out about it half a year into our relationship, I confronted him and he explained to me that he wasn't sure if "we" are going to work out. He said he didn't want to put all his eggs in one basket knowing that we have our differences and because our relationship is long distance, so I accepted his explanation. However, I did make him choose. I told him it's either me or her; he can't have both. He chose me over her, so for a while, he stopped contacting her.<P>Right before he finished school (about 1 1/2 years ago, or about a year after we started dating), however, she called him up and wanted to know why he avoided her. So they met up and talked, and according to him, one thing led to another and they slept with each other again. I think the contact between them stopped for a while after he moved away, but I am not 100% sure. By the way, I should mention that we are still physically apart because he couldn't find work where I am now.<P>Well, last August I found out that they were still contacting each other. In fact, they had phone sex a few times they chatted on the phone. The email exchanges between them might have been similar too, but I don't know that for sure. When I found out about their phone sex and that last time they slept together (the time right before he left school), I blew up. I told him it was over, that I cannot accept his infidelity twice! At that time, he was begging me to get back together with him, and after I had the chance to calm down, I accepted his proposal to be friends. So now we email each other pretty often, and we chat on the phone with each other very often as well. We are friends for now, but with the understanding that we may get back together again (pending on certain issues we need to work on either individually or with each other).<P>So should I take him back after all that he has done? I guess what I am asking is, in your opinion, if I take him back, will he cheat on me again? I love (or at least loved) him dearly, and I had considered spending the rest of my life with him because I felt that he was so perfect for me (except for his infidelity problem). We share a lot of common interests, and after dating a few others in the past before him, I truly felt that he is the one for me.<P>A few months ago, I suggested that he seeks some counseling for his infidelity problem, and he agreed. However, after his initial session with a therapist, he decided that the therapist wasn't helping him at all because (according to him) the therapist didn't think his problem was serious enough because he is only dating and not married. So he decided that he won't go back. Does anybody have any suggestions for him to seek further help? Or does anybody have any recommendation on how to find a good relationsbip therapist locally? Truth of the matter is, I do care about him. Even if we don't get back together, I hate to see him do the same thing again to his next girlfriend.<BR> <BR>For the record, I must state that I acknowledge that I play a part in his inappropriate behavior. For one thing, we are not physically together, which means I am not physically by his side when he needs me. Second, I did not believe in pre-marital sex, yet he is a very passionate person. I eventually gave in to him (without regrets, however) with the thought that perhaps if I can satisfy him this way, he won't have to look elsewhere. I was wrong. Third, he is a very outgoing person, but I prefer more mellow activities. I can see how these little differences might have pushed him to give in to his temptation to cheat on me.<P>I am not a push-over, but I do believe in giving people a second (or in his case, third) chance if the chance will lead to something good. So when should I grant him that third chance, if ever? I guess what I am asking is, what kind of behavioral changes should I see in him to know that the third chance is not a mistake?<P>Thanks in advance, again, for any input!

DO NOT blame yourself for HIS actions...They are exactly that -- HIS actions. If the qualities you listed were really that unattractive to him, then he never would have wanted to be with you in the first place. I say that you should really really think (HARD) about whether or not you could spend your life with this man, and your ability to forgive him. If you do indeed love him and want to be with him, I think you should give him the "final" ultimatum: Either he commits to you and you alone, or he packs his bags -- period.

Demeter - <P>I like your nickname! Mythology's always been sort of a hobby...<P>but no time for chit-chat, you've got a serious problem here. And for what it's worth, here's my two cents: although your heart feels his sleeping around on you is infidelity, (and I don't blame you, I'd feel the same way) it's not. You are not married to this man, and he has not vowed in front of friends and family to remain faithful to you. Certainly in serious dating relationships, the expectation of faithfulness is implied, and I'm not saying he has no concrete obligation to you. I'm not excusing his actions, I think they're wrong on moral grounds, but "morality" differs from person to person and what you and I think is wrong, may not be wrong to him. <P>I know this sounds counterintuitive to all you've expected from this man, and this relationship, but consider this. Suppose you and this man were to break up, and a year later he has a new girlfriend and sleeps with her. He's not cheating on you in doing so. But in a marital relationship, (which is supposed to last until death) anytime you sleep with anyone else the rest of your life, even if you divorce, you're breaking your wedding vows afresh. If you were married to this man, I would encourage you to seek counseling, to apply Dr. Harley's concepts, and to fight for the relationship. It's good you're only dating this man, because this way you got to see what he's really like - and that's what dating is for. I know that hurts, because you love him, and want to think the best of him; it's also hard because realizing he's not good boyfriend material means feeling your judgement failed when it chose him. Put those thoughts out to pasture. <P>In short, this is not a man you'd want to marry, right? So, my advice is, leave him, pronto, and set out to find the one you do. <P>Good luck.

Dear demeter, <BR>I feel very much for your experience with your boyfriend. I just walked out on my boyfriend of 3 years - we have lived togther just about one year. I moved out three days ago so the pain, I suppose, is still there. <P>You asked if you should give the third to your boyfriend... I really cannot answer your question because I did ask this question over a dozen times every time I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. He has been unfaithful to me (he said he is very faithful to me because he does love me, he never love other girls although he has sexual relationship with them - he said he is just for sex, for lust... he said he needs other girls to excite him...etc) He keeps dating girls through the internet (icq/personals/netmeeting) and goes out while I was at office (he works at home but I spend 8 hours every day at office)... sometimes he told me he goes out to see his male friends but I found most of them were LIES ! He even brought the girls to our LOVELY & COZY home to have sex several times even he was caught by me - he still did it until recently few months he stopped as he told me, "I started to realised it is really disgusting to bring girls home. I would do it..." <P>I always know his lies/cheat because I can assess to his computer (but he doesn't know I can assess to his computer/icq/emails...)... so you can imagine how many times I have found out - sometimes I keep silent but in the later stage, I cannot tolerate being fooled in such way - I confronted him. <P>He told me, "I am not married to you, it is unreasonable to be 100% faithful to you. I am already 97% faithful to you but you don't take, you want 100% faithful man ? You are too stubborn... You can have 97% of me, not not 100%." These the words he gave me. <P>I forgave him, I think about 3 times (of course he cheated me many more than 3 times... but I mean he formally asked me 3 times to forgive him). I finally gave him an ultimatum - if he cheats again, I must leave. <P>And three days ago, he asked one of his ICQ girls out for dinner while he knew I was going home to see my parents. I confronted him and immediately said, "I want a separation." That's is - I assume this should be the end of our romance. I have left him twoce before but I came back to him. <P>You must ask me why should I forgive him so many times ? The only reason - I just love this man too much - and I thought he does truly love me so I have hope that he would 'understand' my heart and stop his nasty habit. But I am 'hopeless' so I decided to leave. <P>So my advice is: Forgive him if you really want to give him a chance - you don't know if he woul treasure such forgiveness and be faithful forever... If he cheats again, you will get hurt... when you get enough hurt, you would walk away. But the process might be very slow and painful. But you have to understand one thing - once the trust is broken, you find it very difficult to trust that person again with whole heart... you would suspect him and it might ruin the relationship. <P>GOod luck and I wish you can have a lucky decision.

Well, you aren't married, you aren't living together, you don't have any children, and you don't even live in the same city. Not a particularly close relationship as I see it.<P>You are dating him long distance. The problems of sitting at home waiting for you seem to be pushing him into dating other people. Also an indication that the relationship is not very close.<P>Find someone nearer, and let him do the same. You are only dating, for heaven's sake.<P>Long distance relationships don't have a good record. 'Out of sight, out of mind' seems more valid that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' in this case.<P>

I'm sorry, but I feel forgiving him (this is directed at both vicky and demeter) is an ENORMOUS MISTAKE!!!! To be blunt: the men you are with are immoral and weak. As my niece would say, they're "playing" you. You're a convenient girlfriend because they get to be with you and have all the perks of a relationship and still have all the perks of being single. You're not even married yet and they're cheating on you! This won't change if you marry, and it demonstrates their lack of concern for you - they're putting you at risk for diseases, never mind the heartbreak these men cause! And despite your forgiveness and willingness to improve the relationship, the reaction is "you expect too much?" If you really want to be with a man who is outright telling you he never wants a monogomous relationship with you, fine. But realize that's all you'll get from these men!<P>I am sorry to be so harsh, but I hope it helps me get my point across: throw the bums out!!!

Demeter:<P>I haven't used this forum in about a year, but i've come back "on" because of some problems in my current relaionship.<P>Anyhow, my point is: I have been thru exactly what u've been thru w/your BF. And, i was crazy enough to marry mine. i thought THE WORLD of him. he became everything to me. we were marrried for ten wonderful years (according to me), and then suddenly one day, without warning, he tells me he no longer loves me & wants OUT of the marriage. i cannot even begin to describe the pain i felt. i thought we had "overcome" his little cheating "problem" from when we had dated twelve years ago! but, no! once a cheater, ....ALWAYS a cheater. please, please, please, believe me. i was deeply in love w/my husband & our marriage, but he selfishly thought he needed "more". well, ge got it. he left me (he denied an affair), and within one MONTH he was screwing around with a pretty co-worker. we have now been divorced for a year. but, let me tell u, even tho i was happy in the marriage, i suffered in EVERY way imaginable when he left. because i had already built a LIFE with this man. i lost everything except for my house. but, the worst loss was HIM. i wish i had enough self-esteem twelve yrs ago to tell him to get lost. i would have probably found soemone else who could have made my life happy (remember: there are MILLIONS of people in the world, u know), and i would have not had to suffer thru a horrible, embarassing, and excrutiatingly painful divorce.<P>if i could predict the future, i would strongly recomend that you focus on YOURSELF and get out of that unhealthy relationship. find yourself another wonderful, faithful mate. it would be worth the suffering you may experience now, because it's a LOT worse after u have built a life with someone! trust me!<P>god bless,sd

Have you been paying attention to all that has been written here about infidelity? RUN as fast as you can! Get out!<P>If this guy wanted to work on his problem, he would have stayed with his therapist or found another one. In my opinion, it is not worth the risk.<P>One of those, "If I knew then what I knew now..." take it from me who's been there, find another guy who will respect commitment as you do.