stbx stopped in to pick up kids, I asked her what time she was bringing them back. She said 3-4 and then would make them dinner and then was going out to dinner with someone.<P>I said why couldn't she make it at her apartment and she said because someone that I didn't approve of was going to be there, om, and they were going out to dinner. I asked why he had to be there and she siad because he pays for half of the rent yet.<P>I went beserk and started screaming at her, in front of the kids. I really lost it this time. I threatened to get a restraining order against om because he was diagnosed as manic depressive and he has guns. I told her that was reall safe putting thos combinations togther. She then said she had made that up and it wasn't true. I know she is lying about it.<P><BR> But why can't I give this up! I get so angry with her and she won't stay away because of the kids. I'm extremely jealous and don't want her with anyone even as I know we are done.<P>I think I'm starting to lose it as I was getting a rush getting her pissed off. <P>I can only imagine what the kids must think. <P><BR>What flaming a-hole I am!!!!!!!!!!

You are a flaming <B>HUMAN</B>... nothing more, nothing less...<P>You have a right to be concerned about your children, as they are <B>yours too</B>.<P>Don't be so hard on yourself... little slip-up in the rhelm of things...<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

RWD,<P>You can't give it up, because you are still working through alol this pain and disappointment. You WANT your family back intact, and that is why you are jealous and get angry and upset with your W.<P>Try to cool it, though. None of the upset is helping anything, especially your kids who have been through enough already.<P>Your W is also being an "instigator" if yu ask me. I recognize it - I think my H does the same. They don't want us, but they keep "coming around". It hinders our ability to move forward, every time we have to interact with our S's. Maybe you were getting a rush by getting angry, but did you ever think that maybe SHE is getting a RUSH by getting you angry???? I think in a way - it is abuse by our S's - they know we want them back and they delight in our suffering.<P>The only thing to do here, no matter what her motives are, is for you to anticipate the worst everytime you meet with her, and then you can be mentally prepared to face whatever happens. You need to build some fortitude for dealing with her.<P>Be nice to yourself - it's all over now. You will be in more control next time...<P>Roll Me Away<P>

RWD,<P>My heart goes out to you. I know what you are going through. I think it's so much easier if we don't have to see them. But as you said in your case, you have to let her see the kids.<P>Cut yourself a break. You are reacting normally under the circumstances. You are NOT that nasty name you called yourself!

Thanks,<BR>It just so hard for me as I have always buried my emotions and this is what I'm working on with my therapist.<P>AS for dealing with her, I think avoid mode is the best. I guess I'll just surrender the house to her when she comes around.

RWD -- First of all, you are <B>NOT</B> and A-hole. You are a caring person who cannot understand why the person you love treats you like dirt.<P>Times like these are very tough and if you didn't lose it once in a while, I would wonder what was wrong. Maybe "berserk" was a little much, but considering what you have been through, you are allowed.<P>I know how you feel about being jealous. We are nearly done here and it kills me to think that W will soon be sleeping with OM. I am going to go on anti-deps very soon, as I am nearly at the end of my rope.<P>I need to go berserk, but am trying not to for now.....<P>As nb said, don't be so hard on yourself. You're a good man. You know it and we know it. Maybe soon W will realize it.

RWD,<P>I don't know many divorced people that go into the other's home and do anything ... including cooking meals. Would you even consider going into her current home and doing anything? Set some rules RWD, that protect yourself.<P>Cooking dinner is a silly excuse to be in YOUR home if I ever heard one. Somehow I think the kids will get fed without her help!<P>She chose to leave the home and at this point, for you, she is an unwelcome guest.<BR>When my H left, I told him real fast that he was to knock before entering and had given up his right to walk around my home freely.<P>She sounds really screwed up and is rubbing this in your face very cruelly. She is looking for something from you ......??<P>We're not supposed to do this here in MB land but, I think you're calling the wrong person a flamin' a-hole!!<BR>

Thanks all ! I am feeling a little better in that i realize that this is all part of the grieving process as this is a loss.<P>AS for keeping her out, there is really nothing I can do as she does own part of the house. I am thinking of buying her out separetly just to end the whole thing although I imagine that is not a good idea with it being part of the divorce settlement, she could always come back and get more.

RWD...<P>Your OK... I'm OK...<BR>Eveyone makes mistakes... give yourself some slack..<P>I know what you mean about wanting to protect your kids... because of incredible good luck I did get 2 restraining orders against my W's OM...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR> <LI> To not enter my home anymore. <BR> <LI> To not have any overnights with my kids.<BR> </OL><P>Your kids know they are loved by you... that's got to be number 1.<P>If I (and W) ever get back to discussing the divorce I started... I will have to pay off her half of the equity in our house too (another $4,000... after I've given her $10,000 already)! But for now... I'we slowed down my divorce to a crawl.<P>Her abuse (emotonal) of me is just something I have to let roll off my back... or if I take it personally I'll crack up. Tonight... for example... I put a single yellow rose in her car when she came to drop off the kids 2 1/2 hours late (with no homework done for son)... She picked up the rose and threw it with all her might to the ground. The last time I did this... she gave the rose to nearby convenience store clerk... so maybe things aren't so rosey here either. She, of course cals my actions... like the rose... mental abuse of her by me.<P>Keep a stiff upper lip... and hang tough through this rollercoaster ride.<P>Jim

RWD,<P>I just starting read another book, but this one is not just about relationships....<P>It is called Boundaries, by some guy _ Cloud.<P>In all our relationships, even in marriage, and in separation we must set boundaries and stick to them. It sounds to me like your wife left the home, and has no basic right to just walk in or force her way in. You can say no. You must set rules of conduct for both of you to abide by.

hi rwd, that woman sure gets under your skin. But it does not make you an a*h* or anything else. You do have a right to be angry and hurt. But I am not sure that you really should loose it with your kids there. We have talked about this before, and you have been doing so great!!! <BR>So, you got upset. No biggie, just talk to the kids, make sure they understand that you are working on this with the counselor. Tough spot for you. We hate for our kids to think loosing it is ok, but on the other hand, they know you are only human, they know about feelings, and they know about loss. Is there a way to turn it into a learning/lesson for them? Good chance to talk about feelings/emotions? <BR>(((hugs))) You are a great dad!!

Thanks all,<BR>It still was tuff nite with the kids. Kidding between the 3 of us got out of hand and my daughter got mad and said she was going to live with mom(ouch). <P>Then this morning my son was upset about his bookbag zipper broke and wanted me to fix it. I couldn't and finally lost my temper about it, so he left mad.<P>What a great weekend, blah!<P>I decided to go to Dr to see if I need to get some anti-deps as I have seemed to have lost my patience with the kids lately adn they have noticed. So I'll see if there is better living thur chemicals !<P>

RWD - Just some words of support to add to everyone's. Plus I wanted you to know that in the same situation, I would probably have reacted just the way you did, and lost it. Despite being a therapy-junkie, I still go ballistic on occasions like this. There are some things that just make us lose our cool. I think everyone's got this kind of threshold. Go past it, and they go berserk. It's just different for each of us. I mean, your STBX really dropped a bomb on you with that one. Regards, blessings and best wishes for better weekends,<P>--Wex

I hope you go see your doc rwd. Timothy Leary is a trusted friend for those of us in our 40s! We make em so you can take them! Better living thru chemistry. I am getting as demented as medic??

Am feeling better as I talked to a bunch of people today as well as you folks and started to realize this is all normal, all part of the grieving process. I'm just concerned about taking things out on the kids as everybody is short on patience around here.<P>The Doc put me on celexa 20mg. Its nont supposed to have any side effects.<P><BR>As for Timothy Leary (yes, I too am from that era!), I think its my stbx that is tripping as she is so far from the far person she used to be. I think she has gone over to the "dark side!"