<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ericstm:<BR><B>Younglove,<P> I guess it has been about a week since I last posted. I am doing better with every day that goes by.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's great, Tom! It's good to hear from you. I know at times the whole process of healing seems so painfully slow, but I think you're on the right track. It's not a continuous linear improvement - and that's okay. A few steps forward, several back, and in time you'll find you're moving forward faster than you'd thought possible.<P>I'm a little surprised, but really glad, to hear that many of the memories of your ex that come to mind are happy. That's a good sign! It means you've moved past the first bout of denial/anger/depression. I stayed there for months, so I'm really proud of you because I know how hard it is to get out of that stage! Yes, it hurts to remember those happy times now that they're over, but it does get easier - much easier - and someday, those memories will bring only a smile, and the pain too will have faded to a memory. <BR>You can't erase the love you felt for her, and you don't have to. It's good to recognize that you shared something special and important - no need to trivialize that, and it's probably "healthier" not to. I think hoping for reconciliation is a big part of that. But look at it this way - even if you and she were to reconcile one day, wouldn't there be certain things you'd need from her to trust her again? Wouldn't, at a minimum, she have to say it was a mistake to see the OM? Maybe, in time, that's how she'll feel, but right now, she doesn't, so reconciliation wouldn't work right now. <P>Memories are a funny thing. I think the fact that all these memories pop into your head - and that you think of her first thing in the morning and last thing at night - is a way of coping with and accepting the loss. Bear with me here, hopefully this will be coherent: my parents divorced when I was 12, and my dad died when I was 17. From 12 to 17, I saw him a few times a year. The rest of the year, he just wasn't a very big part of my life, and I didn't think about him much. But then, when he died, I thought about him all the time. It's not that I missed him exactly, because I was used to not seeing him for fairly long periods of time, but I missed him because I knew that I couldn't call him even if I wanted to. I missed knowing he was there. <P>I went through something similar when my BF and I separated. We talked pretty frequently - once or twice a week most weeks - and after only a few hours of hanging up/going home/him leaving, I missed him already, but when we were together I didn't miss him hours after he'd left. The difference was, in my mind, I knew he wasn't "there" in the same way he'd been when we were together. It's a mental acceptance of the loss of this person's role, that not only aren't they there now but they won't be again. Does that make any sense?<P>It sounds to me like that might be why you think of your ex-GF so much. It will get better! Your life will change and move forward too - and soon the role that she played will grow smaller and smaller - but that doesn't mean her place in your life (historically speaking) has to change. That thought helped me too - to realize that although some things had been lost, the love wasn't gone completely, those memories were mine forever and that relationship would always be an important part of my life.<P>I'm glad to hear things are a little bit better. Don't be discouraged by the slips backward, you're doing very well!<P>Kerry

Kerry,<P> Today has been a tough day. I am having so much anger in me. I try to stay busy working out, running but I always come back to the same picture. Her and him together. It sends me into a pit of rage. I am not an angry person and it scares me to have these feelings. <P> I was just trying to get to sleep here and I go the same feelings of anger again. I tried to push them down and it worked. Problem is it brought all this pain and deep sorrow out. It choked up my chest and I could feel to running out into my fingertips. I feel like I am sliding backward and there is nothing I can do. I feel like calling her but at he same time I don’t want to. All that would lead to right now is an argument. If she called me it might be different. I wonder if she has nights like these. I wonder if she sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night reaching for me? I still sleep on just the one side of my bed – strange huh? <BR>

Hi Tom-<P>I'm sorry it was a whole week before I replied! I'm graduating from college on the 20th, and right now am a little swamped with papers and exams.<P>Don't be afraid of being angry. Often, our society encourages people - men especially - to be unemotional. Calmness and stoicism are equated with power. Think of the reaction to Jackie O's behavior when JFK was shot. She remained poker faced at his funeral, never shed a tear in public, and was praised and admired for her strength! When surely she had good reason to cry, and had she done so, wouldn't have been called weak...<P>I've believed this for a while - it seems to me there are primary emotions, which are felt for their own sake, and there are secondary emotions, which are felt as the result of first experiencing some other emotion. In my mind, sadness is a primary emotion. Something bad happens, we get sad, there's no middle man. I think anger is different - I think it's a secondary emotion. At the root of anger is usually something else. So, if you told me I was a loser, I would be hurt, and then I would be mad at you for hurting me. So, I didn't feel the anger alone, it was the result of being hurt. Maybe this is why you feel so angry toward your ex-GF?<P>I'm sure she does have nights like the one you had when you posted - she probably still sleeps on "her" side of the bed too. I know it seems like it's easier for her, like she's in "control", and maybe because she knows the reasons for the break-up she does have a little easier time coping. But love is love - and unless her heart is an icicle she too will have to adjust to the gap in her life. <BR>How are you doing now? How have things been this week?

Hey Kerry,<P> Last week went by quickly. I went to visit 2 of my brothers in CT. I met some old girlfriends that made dealing with my situation a little easier. It was good speaking with them. It was also very nice to see my brothers, one of which, I had not seen since January. <P> Basically, we hung out together and had a lot of laughs and cocktails. But now I am back at home and am getting back into my routine. <P>It's funny, when I am away from my home with friends and family I tend not think/dwell on what happened between my ex and I. But when I am back at my place all that baggage comes back. Maybe that is b/c we shared many memories in my apt. I guess I cannot just forget all that in 2 months - it will take time. Yesterday I actually thought about moving into a new place at the end of this lease. Does that seem a little drastic?

Hi Tom!<P>Glad to hear you had a good time in CT. <P>You know, I swear I'm not making this up - when I read the first sentence about "when I'm away I tend not to think/dwell" and I thought maybe moving would help make a fresh start. So when I got down to the part about "Yesterday I actually thought about moving into a new place at the end of this lease" I think it's a very good idea! No, it's not too drastic. You were together 4 years - that's longer than some marriages! And a change of surroundings would help you make your place yours again. But, it is a big decision. (not to mention a lot of work) When is your lease up? (i.e. how long do you have to think about it?) Would it make you sadder to actually leave the place where those memories were made?

Hey Kerry,<P>The thing about moving is that I really hate doing it. Plus I live on the 3rd floor so it becomes even more of a pain. I have until the end of this month to decide. My ex and I have only 7 months of memories in my current place since she did not come back from her stint in the Peace Corps until Aug when I moved into this place to start my new job. <P>I think the reason I dwell on our situation more when I am here has to do with the fact that I always alone in my apt. When I am with people I tend not to think about her.<BR>I started playing in a softball league yesterday and did not think of her once while I played which is strange b/c she loved to play - was always getting teams together. The problem is when I am alone. I do not think that I could deal with a roommate again though. <P>You know what runs through my mind so many times I can't even begin to tell you. I keep repeating this question over and over to myself. "How can someone ask you to wait 2 years for her if she does not want to get married or make the effort to try and work things out by moving to the same city?" It's not like she had a lot of things on her plate. She could have gone back to school in the fall or she could have moved down here much earlier. <P>It seems to me that she has been running from a serious commitment to me from the very beginning. I always thought in terms of us, always was the one to say it's alright, always the one to compromise. With her it was always about what she wanted to do at this instant. Looking back on that the last couple of months I have grown pretty disapointed with our relationship. <P>Yesterday I deleted all e-mail addresses of her family (sisters) and friends. I feel the need to make a complete break. At the same time I will miss chatting with some of them. I just felt the need to start over from scratch yesterday. Don't know if I will feel like that next week but now it is to late anyway.<P>How did/are your finals coming alone? Are you finished yet? If you are congratulations! <BR>

Hi Tom,<P>Sorry it's been a while - finals went well, and I got my degree last weekend! Then this week I moved and have yet to finish unpacking. But it was definitely time for a break.<P>I think you have some really good insights into your relationship. It sounds like the initial shock/pain/disbelief has started to fade a little and now you're able to sit back and look at the relationship a little more objectively and figure out what went wrong. GOOD FOR YOU! That's the only way to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. I'm glad to hear you started playing in a softball league and that it's been a good experience despite its reminders of your ex-GF's love of softball. <P>I'm as perplexed as you are why she'd want you to wait two years while she was in the Peace Corps if she didn't see you in her future. But, two years is a long time, and though I've never directly known anyone who's been in the PC, I've heard it can be a life-changing experience. Maybe when she joined and asked you to wait, she was thinking of marriage, and something changed - or she changed - while she was away. It's very hard to maintain long-distance relationships, how long was she back from the PC before you and she broke up? Maybe after being separated for so long her Love Bank balance was low, or maybe she felt she'd experienced so much and changed so much that she felt she didn't know you anymore, or that you didn't know her "new" self. <P>As sadistic as this may sound, I think it's good that now, reassessing things, you're disappointed with the relationship you and she had. Since it's ended, it must've had weaknesses, wouldn't it be sad if you had to look back now and still thought everything was perfect? <P>Deleting her family's email addresses - way to go! Onward and upward, my friend.

Hey Kerry,<P>How are things going? How is life after school? I know when I graduated the first time I was like; “wow I have been doing this for my whole life, what now?” I hope that things are going well for you.<P>Well, I guess its been a while since I last wrote. Things have been moving along smoothly for me at work and the home front. I have been extremely busy with work and my social life (softball, basketball, etc..). Basically, I have kept myself pretty busy. My ex rarely crosses my mind these days. <P>Here is the reason I am writing. The other day (Sunday night) I was online and my ex’s sister was online as well. We got to chatting – not about her sister I but just about stuff that was going on in her family. You know – regular stuff. I realized that I missed that. They had become my family away from home since my family is all spread out over the US and Europe. I can easily say that I saw then 100% more than my actual family over the years that my ex and I were together. It felt good hearing all the news. <P>I guess the dilemma is whether or not I should be speaking with her sister? Is it appropriate? She is really the only one that has made a concerted effort to speak with me every now and then and has been genuinely nice to me throughout the whole ugly process when the rest of her family basically turned their collective backs on me. Should I stay in touch with her or not is the question I am battling these days.<BR>

Hi Tom!<P>Things are going pretty good, thanks. I'm not too sure about "life after school" though, it'll be a while... I'm starting medical school this fall. <P>I'm glad to hear that life is smoothing out for you. It's good you're keeping busy, and it sounds like you're happy; congratulations!<P>As for the question about staying in touch with her ex's sister, in my opinon that depends on who is contacting whom. If you typically initiate contact with the sister, then maybe backing off a bit would be good. On the other hand, if she's the one who usually contacts you, you might want to consider the possibility that her sister has sent her on some sort of reconaissance mission. But, if it's about 50/50 as to which of you usually contacts the other, then I really don't see a problem with it. Especially since you mentioned you and the sister don't talk about your ex, I think it's harmless. <P>Speaking of family, mine will be here soon for brunch and I'd better go... stay in touch!<P>Kerry

Hey Kerry,<P>Just writing to say hi and relay some good news here. I went to visit a friend of mine over the 4th of July weekend and ended up meeting someone. We had a great time together and all and now she is coming to visit this weekend. <P>I never thought in a million years that I would have met someone so soon (guess it’s not that soon, huh?) but it happened. It is still kind of early to tell anything but we have fun together and the fact that she is driving a ways to come and see me makes me think she feels the same way. <P>Anyhow, I plan on taking it slow for a while and see how things work themselves out. Hope things are going smoothly for you.<P>Tom<BR>