My wife and I have been married for 9 months, and everything has been okay. Not perfect but okay. <P>She has these "moments" where she tries to communicate to me that something is not right in the relationship and I listen intently. She starts to speak and ends up with nothing but "I don't knows" and "there aren't specific instances", she never really tells me what is wrong or what she needs. <P>I consider myself a good listener and I honestly want to know what and how she feels, but she can't get it across to me. <P>Several days ago she admits to that for the last month she has been thinking about a guy she works closely with. He hasn't finalized his divorce and we haven't even begun those kinds of talks yet. They haven't made love, so this is a good thing. I don't belive that she loves him, and that she still loves me. <P>She has been at her mothers for 4.5 days and I haven't spoken to her more than 20 minutes the entire time she been gone.<P>I love deeply and she knows this, I don't want to loose her. Is it too late?<P>Help<P>Thanks for your time.<P>Chris

It is not too late - that she tries to communicate with you at all means she still wants to make your marriage work. <P>I'm a little uncertain about your attitude toward her as reflected in your subject "Is she nuts?" I hope you are being tongue-in-cheek and don't seriously have this litte respect for her. Yes, the situation is very painful for you, but being critical of her will only make it worse and push her away. End of lecture. <P>Have you looked over the rest of the website? On the main page there's a link you can click for a tour. Read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, especially about the Love Bank. You haven't been fulfilling your wife's emotional needs - and probably she hasn't been fulfilling yours. See if she'd be willing to take the emotional needs questionniaire with you, so you each can learn about the others' needs. Then, look through the material on the website (the Q+A and articles) or stop by the bookstore to get His Needs, Her Needs, and start working on the relationship.<P>Have you had any further contact with her, and would she be amenable to this type of "self-counseling"?

she might be, but i have to get her back in the house.<P>she is on a business trip in delaware and will be back tomorrow. would it help if i met her at the airport, with flowers? she didn't go on the trip with him, he is still here. she went alone, just like i am now...<P>i have always respected her and she does know that. the "is she nuts" is a reference to her being willing to throw away our marriage for a guy she works with and hasn't had sex with. <P>thanks<P>chris

She is either involved in an "emotional affair" (EA) or edging close to it. There are several of us in the Infidelity area who's spouses are involved in or recovering from an EA...they can be very serious, even if they do not progress to sex.<P>Read all the info here (esp. the basic concepts on the homepage). One thing I've learned is that some people (typically very giving people, who take care of others and avoid conflict) often are not able to define their own needs easily. They go around feeling that there must be something else out there, and are very vulnerable to an affair. Maybe this describes your wife, maybe not. But, regardless, a good starting place for you both to work on the marriage is the Emotional Needs questionnaires (which you will find in Basic Concepts).<P>Good luck--<BR>Kathi

By all means, meet her at the airport with flowers. Dress the way she likes seeing you, wear that cologne she said smells great. <P>Act nicely confident, happy to see her, and interested in what she says about her trip. Share with her what's been going on with you--light things, humorous stories. If she's accepting, touch her gently often...like stroking her hair, rubbing her back or lightly down her arm.<P>Take it from there with other ideas...dining out? A special movie later that she's been wanting to see? Or have the bedroom readied for a romantic evening with candles, maybe something like Glade plug-ins for a welcoming smell...don't push her, and be ready to go with her mood, positively.<P>Sounds to me also like she's at least sitting on the fence, ripe for an EA with this OM. I think it would be very helpful if she's willing to look through the information at the website with you...print it out. If you both take the questionnaires about emotional needs and lovebusters, and talk about your answers in an interested, non-blaming way, could be half the battle already won. <P>Best wishes.

Lucks is right on as always! Definitely bring her flowers, definitely cologne and loving confidence! <P>For an extra-special touch, if the flowers are available bring her a bouquet of whatever she carried on your wedding day. Don't point it out to her - but chances are she'll notice. <P>Good luck!<P>

thank you all for your help. <P>it turns out that she came home early, yesterday, so i won't meet het at the airport.<P>i just spoke with her and we are going to meet for the first time since sunday, (today is wedneday. we were arranging a time to talk and before she hung up i asked her if she was still in love with me. the answer was no. i asked if there was a way for me to fix it or woo her back, she said i don't think so.<P>so now i don't know what to do. we are meeting at 6:00pm tonite.<P>thanks<BR>chris

When my H and I had been married for 6 months or so we separated. We had been handling conflicts pretty badly, and I was feeling vaguely dissatisfied with just about everything, but couldn't always put my finger on specifics. When I asked him to leave, I was very serious -- even called lawyers. We are now back together, and have been married for 2.5 years. I am now probably 90% satisfied with our marriage (most days higher, some days lower).<P>The emotional needs questionnaire was instrumental to improving our marriage. I swear, I thought it was over. I knew he was a good man, but thought he wasn't for me -- he just didn't know how to be my partner and I didn't believe he'd ever learn. I lost hope. This website, its articles, and my husband's patiently completing the questionnaire with me, slowly but surely built our hope back up. We also began intensive marriage counselling -- a group once a week, and separate counsellors once a week each for about 4 or 5 months (until he moved back). We continue to see a counsellor together once a month or so.<P>Now I realize that he had ALWAYS been willing to learn, but didn't know what to do, felt helpless, focussed on my problems instead of talking about his own needs. And I had no idea of how to speak about my own needs in specific terms, and blamed him/held him responsible for learning them anyway.<P>I feel for you completely; this must be so painful and confusing. The 'other man' is clearly someone who she fantasizes will meet her needs better than you have; I was becoming attached to someone as well, so understand that feeling. I could interpret those feelings, though, as a signal that my marriage needed work, and that there was stuff I wasn't getting there.<P>I would suggest reading through the website, including the questionnaire, with yourself and your own behaviour in mind. Then call her and talk to her about what you've learned (sticking to your own behaviour, not hers). Perhaps then tell her how much you want to learn how to do things differently and meet her needs better. My husband and I filled out the questionnaire as if we were the other person to get a sense of how well we actually understood each other's needs (we agreed ahead of time that it wasn't a test, and we wouldn't put each other down for not knowing something). You might want to try this, show her what you've written, and ask her to teach you and show you how to understand her better.<P>The articles on disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts were also incredibly helpful to us. I read these, and wrote in the margins my own comments about my understanding of what I was doing to hurt my husband, and suggestions of ways to improve my behaviour, with lots of requests for feedback. This helped spark a lot of discussion.<P>Sorry I've gone on so long, but your story sounds so familiar. Please believe me, it's not too late.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...before she hung up i asked her if she was still in love with me. the answer was no. i asked if there was a way for me to<BR>fix it or woo her back, she said i don't think so.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My H didn't think so either...I think most don't by the time they get to this point. But, that doesn't mean there really isn't a way!!! I told my H that I believed we could rebuild our love, and asked him if he was willing to give it a little time to see (he wanted to move out). He stayed, and we talked a lot, did the q'aires and have been working on it. Things still have a ways to go, but the love IS coming back. Don't let her discourage you!!!<P>Josephina's post is great...read it carefully.<P>Good luck--<BR>Kathi<P>