MY FIANCE AND I ARE PLANNING TO GET MARRIED WITHIN THE NEXT YEAR. HE'S 30 AND I'M 24. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 2 YEARS NOW. IT'S BEEN ALMOST 5 YRS. SINCE HE'S BEEN W/HIS EX. HE HAS CHILDREN AND THEIR MOTHER HATES ME. I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO THE KIDS BUT BE NICE TO THEM. THEY LOVE ME TO DEATH, BUT THE MOTHER IS ALWAYS TRYING TO ALWAYS CAUSE PROBLEMS. TOMORROW HE IS GOING TO VISIT THEM IN A DIFFERENT CITY, BUT HE DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO ASK ME TO GO. THAT REALLY UPSETS ME BECAUSE I THINK THAT THEY SHOULD GET USED TO ME, BUT HE SAYS THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO UPSET THE MOTHER ANYMORE. I'M TO THE POINT WHERE I DON'T CARE ABOUT HER FEELINGS ANYMORE. I'VE ALWAYS PUT HER FEELINGS ABOUT HIM BEFORE MINE, BUT I AM FED UP NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. HE SAYS THAT HE IS GOING TO TALK TO HIS KIDS AND TELL THEM THAT ME AND HIM ARE GETTING MARRIED, BUT I WANT TO BE THERE FOR THAT. AM I BEING SELFISH OR SHOULD I JUST LET HIM HANDLE THIS AND THEN STEP IN LATER ON? I WANT TO BE A PART OF THEIR LIVES. IF I WASN'T TRYING I WOULD FEEL LIKE HE DIDN'T THINK THAT I CARE ,BUT I'M TRYING TO REACH OUT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. PLEASE HELP!!<p>[This message has been edited by CRYVON (edited March 17, 2000).]

Cryvon,<P>To answer your question...Let your H do as he sees best for his children, espcially when breaking the news about your pending marriage. Without you there the kids can freely express whatever feelings come. They well may be happy. They may be a little sad or have concerns. What they don't need when hearing this news is to worry about anyone elses feeling being hurt if they don't jump for joy. My advice would be to take a few deep breaths and then support your H in this decision, letting him know that you want the best for his children.<P>If I may be so bold as to offer further comment though you didn't ask for any. Your future husband's children will always be part of his life and therefore so will his ex-wife, to some extent. Is she a witch? Maybe, but the surest and fastest way to alienate your H and his kids is to become whitchy toward the ex yourself. I have a brother-in-law who is divorced and re-married. His oldest from his first marriage is just getting married this summer. The realtionships between all parties has been ok for the most part. But with the pending wedding new issues and controversies have reared up. <P>My warning is that if you are having a hard time handling a difficult ex, without resentment bulding up, now....LOOK OUT! Remeber you are not just marrying this man but to some extent his kids and his ex too.

More information would help...How old are the kids? How old are you? How long has he been divorced? Was he divorced when you started dating? Are he/you and kids in same city?<P>In general, I'd say that when you marry someone with kids, you are marrying a package deal...including dealing with their mom. The kids need their dad, and he needs to be involved with them. <P>I think he's probably right to tell them without you there, especially if it is a delicate situation. That doesn't mean you have to be left out...maybe after he tells them you and he could take them out for a celebration dinner or something. They do need to get used to you, and that will take time. But, he needs to make sure that he does what he needs to take care of his relationship with them.<P>