I have looked for many different web sites that cater to the woman coming into a relationship liek mine and haven't found hardly any at all. I am dating a guy I have known for years, even while he was married. He wasn't married for long before it was called quits. He continued to see his ex wife and it ended up with a baby. His son is now 2 years old and the only agreement he and his ex have is HER word. He sees his son 3 times a week for 2 hours and it has to be where she wants him to be. "Mike" has never been able to take his son on his own without ex watching over his shoulder. I have been dating him for about a year and I have still yet to meet his son. Mike and I are very seriously considering marriage. She doesn't think I should be able to meet him without her being there monitoring my every move. She thinks I am the cause for Mike not returning to her when they weren't together for a little over 2 years. She swears Mike still loves her and is determined to break Mike and I up.<P>My problem is dealing with the whole shabang. I have the opportunity to know Mike without his son so I know Mike as both a loving parent that wants to see his son a lot more and as a 28 year old man. I am fortunate to know him this way because it has allowed us to love each other and become best friends. I am still having trouble with him being married previously and having a child. I have never been married and don't have any children. No one in my family or his for that matter have ever been divorced. I have a couple older uncles that are going to be married this year to women with families, but they are not women jumping into a relationship like this. Two of my great aunts are nuns so religion is a major factor too. I really don't know how to handle this because there are groups that help men becoming stepfathers but hardly anything for women that are going to be stepmoms before they are moms. <P>Mike has not gone to court because his funds are limited. I keep telling him that when he gets a better paying job (this summer), that he should take ex to court. If he can't handle the fee, his parents will help because they have rights too. I constantly ask him if he saw his son on the scheduled night and if he wrote it down on the calendar. I don't want to make this any longer because there are sooo many factors in this situation. I would really appreciate some feeback to help me deal with this and help him in the process. <P>Thank you,<BR>L.S.<BR>

Hi, LS -<P>I hope this is not posted too late for you to find. <P>I certainly agree with you that there is a lot to think about before getting married to your boyfriend. What you will need to deal with is <BR> 1) An ex-wife with whom your boyfriend had an on-again, off-again relationship that was off, then got on enough to produce a child, and it now sort of off. It is entirely possible your boyfriend still has an attachment to his ex-wife apart from their child.<BR> 2) An ex-wife determined (by your account) to rekindle the relationship - and blaming you for her failure to be able to do so. She has an automatic hook into your boyfriend thru their child. She also wants to squeeze you out from your boyfriend's life.<BR> 3) The presence of your boyfriend's son in your life and that of your husband. You have never met this child, and have none of your own. Children have personalities from birth. There is no way to tell how your boyfriend's son will react to you, or how you will react to him.<BR> 4) The fact that you have never seen your boyfriend interacting with his son means you don't yet know how he behaves with his son, and if you agree with him on matters like discipline, bedtimes, house rules, etc. <BR> 5) Funds, as you say, are limited. Traditionally, marital fights are said to be about money, sex, children, and in-laws. Replace the in-laws with ex-wives, and you see that there is potential for a lot in any marriage you might enter into with your boyfriend.<P>No matter what, your boyfriend would be bringing a lot of baggage into a marriage with you. This is not to say that there is no chance of making this marriage succeed, only that your chances are best with a clear-eyed and realistic plan in place BEFORE you get married to deal with all the land mines in your path. <P>There is a ton of resources in this website. I would particularly recommend reading up on the Policy of Joint Agreement. <P>Before you set a date, I would spend the next few months discussing each of these issues and whatever others you can think of with your boyfriend and deciding on a specific plan on how you both will deal with each of them. In addition, you need to work on plans on how to build a life together. The Emotional Needs questionnaire will be valuable here. Work out with your boyfriend what is important to each of you, and how you can meet each other's needs in ways that both of you can enthusiastically agree to.<P>I would also recommend trying very hard to schedule some regular time with you, your husband, and your husband's son to start getting practice in parenting as a couple. Need I add that your husband's ex-wife should not be present during these times? No, she won't like it and will resist it, because she will accurately perceive that you are breaking one of the hooks she has sunk into your boyfriend. A good first test of how well you can react to difficult situations as a couple.<P>Sounds like a lot of work? Maybe so, but you will never regret having done it. <P>You sound like a woman with a realistic view of the situation. This is a big plus in your favor. Talk with your boyfriend, and don't go ahead with the wedding until you are very happy with his answers, and have formed a firm trust that you have plans in place to deal with whatever comes up. <P>And don't forget to make an effort to meet your boyfriend's emotional needs! He is carrying just as large a load as you are. <P>Good luck and God bless you (and your boyfriend and his son - and his ex-wife for good measure!) Let us on the forum know what is going on.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522