I have been newly married for 4 months and already I felt that my H has ceased showing his affection for me. He only does it when we were together with friends or when we were outside. But when we were both alone at home, he rather watch TV or play computer than to cuddle or talk with me. And when there's only two of us alone, he would normally walk in front of me... leaving me tagging behind.<P>Even our love making has ceased to once a month only... I don't know if my marriage is heading towards failure or not. I love my H very much and I know he loves me too... maybe only lesser than he used to. We have been together for 6 years before our marriage recently... could this be the reason for the staleness in our marriage?<P>Will having a child helps in this situation? He seems to be very bored especially when the two of us were alone. But I'm not sure if this is a problem between him and me... I do not wish to bring a child into this world... and later let the child suffer from a broken family if things don't work out between us.<P>I am quite confused now... or is this situation a normal thing in most marriages? Please enlighten me...

No, this is not the way it should be.<BR>No, having a child will NOT improve things...much more likely the reverse.<P>Have you read the basic concepts on the homepage here? Esp. the Emotional Needs stuff? Can you ID what his EN are and work to be sure they are being met? One for many men is Recreational Companionship--maybe if he seems bored you should try a new hobby or activity...something you could do together and have fun at...<P>Good luck--<BR>Kathi<P><BR>

The recreation idea is excellent.<P>Perhaps he is too stressed out from his job when he gets home to deal with much. Maybe he is not a talkative person in general, the strong silent type. If he is, he can still become a world class listener and support you emotionally in that way.<BR>

Thank you Kathi and Cuckold for your replies. <P>I don't understand why I am the only one who's worried here, he doesn't seem to be in the least concern about our current situation.<P>Both of us are working couples, I worked just as hard as he does and in my advertising line, there are deadlines to meet... etc. When I reached home, I have to continue working on the household chores and he's not helping at all, the moment he reached home, he will watch TV or play computer. By the time I'm done with the chores, I'm dead beat.<P>Cuckold, he is not the silent type, in fact he's the active one between both of us. He's the talkative and outgoing kind, the kind that perks up a party type. Everyone thought that I was happily married because in front of friends, he's affectionate towards me. But when we reached home, it's like he's forgotten to bring home that affection with him.<P>He has become less patient with me and basically just can't be bothered with my emotional needs. There are nights when I actually hide myself in the bathroom to cry for my own loneliness, to cry for my self-pity.<P>But definately, your mails have given me the strength to continue fighting for my marriage and happiness. And I thank God for this wonderful webpage and for the love of those who took their time to reply. God bless.

Affection doesn't have to die after marriage. I have only been married for 3 months and found that we were living more like roommates than H&W after just a few short weeks. H would do his thing I would do mine. We got a wake up call when I started finding myself wishing that I hadn't married my H.<P>We have started reading and putting into practice the HNHN and LoveBusters books as well as reading on the MB web site together. My marriage is so much better today than it was a month ago but it still has a long way to go. <P>The key to making a marriage work is communication. I think that once communication stops there is little or no hope. <P>Hope that this helps.<BR>

Lady JoJo<P>Mrs. Bear28 is correct with the communication thing. And when done effectively it can have dramatic results. I don't want to bring a negative impact to the scene, but I feel that I must tell you my story in the hope that it will encourage you to continue to press forward with your search for answers. <P>I married my H in the summer of 1992. On our wedding night my H invited his friends over after the reception 'didn't consult me' ...1:30am - 4:30am. They just wanted more alcohol....I just wanted him. I played along though. H ended up humiliating me by dumping the 'card box' on the living room floor and rolling around in all of the cards...because they all had money in them. The next morning we were having the entire family over to open gifts. At 8:00am he got up, got dressed and said he was going to meet a friend. I had to straighten the house and warm food for the guests that would be arriving. I felt so alone. <P>We took our honeymoon the next week. I made the mistake of agreeing to Las Vegas. He had breakfast and dinner with me every night. But in between...I never saw him. We had sex 1 time on our 5 day honeymoon. Maybe he thought we were taking a moneymoon. It was not what I thought would happen. I couldn't believe that he would leave me in a strange city that I had never traveled to, all by myself. <P>Prior to our marriage he had promised me that we would have sex often...as he 'promised to wake me up in the middle of the night' to do so. Every night I could hardly go to sleep waiting with anticipation for his touch. It never once materialized. <P>I prayed for a miracle. He was drinking every night with his friends. I felt he was in jeapordy. Within 6mo he ended up totalling his truck on an icy wintery night and was arrested for DWI. I had to pick him up at the hospital. He quit drinking after that...THANK GOD!!!!!<P>He quit drinking, but his attitude had not changed. 8mo later I became pregant. When I was 3mo pregant my H had sex with me for the last time in our relationship. When I was 4 mo pregnant he ordered me out of 'our' bed. He claimed he couldn't sleep with me in the bed. If I didn't go, he would. So I left the bed...and I haven't been able to return. <P>It has been 7 yrs since I have slept in the same bed with him. Having a child did not change things. It only made it more difficult on me. With me sleeping in a separate room, he never had to get up with the baby. Once I remember my child crying and crying....I had been up for 48hrs straight.. as he demanded that I go back to work immediately...and I could not calm the baby down.....he rushed into the room and demanded to know what was wrong and insisted that I make this baby stop crying. It must have been GOD that calmed my child down because I certainly was in no state of mind or physical shape to do it. <P>My H has never been physically violent with me...so I'm not exactly sure what I was afraid of that night. I guess it was the lack of sleep that caused me to try harder with getting my child calmed down. <P>Anyway...we still have not had sexual intercourse since I was 3mo pregnant with our child... since 1993. He only gives me the option of oral sex....3-4 times a year and this is never at night when I might stay in the same bed as him. <P>I found this website recently and am in the process of reading Dr Harley's info. I have told my H that we are in trouble...relationship wise...and that he needs to read it too. He has agreed to do so. We are in the beginning stages of trying to repair things.......In my longwindedness I did leave out all of the countless arguments that we had. I just want you to know that having a child will not change things. I truly feel that it will only complicate things for YOU. Having a child may bring you closer for a short while. But ultimately, being the mother, you will feel that the responsiblity is yours. And once again, you will feel that you are lagging behind. <P>My H is also a very outgoing person. He can talk to anybody about anything....he just hasn't been able to talk to me about our relationship.....until lately. <P>Maybe my story will help...maybe it won't. At this point I'm thinking that my H has finally figured out that I am planning on staying with him for the long haul. And that if I have been willing to stay for all of the bad stuff.....maybe it IS worth his effort to try to restore, or begin our marriage, to where it should have been in the first place. <P>Sometimes having a little push can point you in the right direction....but having a child will never do it. <P>I am praying for YOU! It IS all worth it!<P>Peace.

Lady JoJo<P>Mrs. Bear28 is correct with the communication thing. And when done effectively it can have dramatic results. I don't want to bring a negative impact to the scene, but I feel that I must tell you my story in the hope that it will encourage you to continue to press forward with your search for answers. <P>I married my H in the summer of 1992. On our wedding night my H invited his friends over after the reception 'didn't consult me' ...1:30am - 4:30am. They just wanted more alcohol....I just wanted him. I played along though. H ended up humiliating me by dumping the 'card box' on the living room floor and rolling around in all of the cards...because they all had money in them. The next morning we were having the entire family over to open gifts. At 8:00am he got up, got dressed and said he was going to meet a friend. I had to straighten the house and warm food for the guests that would be arriving. I felt so alone. <P>We took our honeymoon the next week. I made the mistake of agreeing to Las Vegas. He had breakfast and dinner with me every night. But in between...I never saw him. We had sex 1 time on our 5 day honeymoon. Maybe he thought we were taking a moneymoon. It was not what I thought would happen. I couldn't believe that he would leave me in a strange city that I had never traveled to, all by myself. <P>Prior to our marriage he had promised me that we would have sex often...as he 'promised to wake me up in the middle of the night' to do so. Every night I could hardly go to sleep waiting with anticipation for his touch. It never once materialized. <P>I prayed for a miracle. He was drinking every night with his friends. I felt he was in jeapordy. Within 6mo he ended up totalling his truck on an icy wintery night and was arrested for DWI. I had to pick him up at the hospital. He quit drinking after that...THANK GOD!!!!!<P>He quit drinking, but his attitude had not changed. 8mo later I became pregant. When I was 3mo pregant my H had sex with me for the last time in our relationship. When I was 4 mo pregnant he ordered me out of 'our' bed. He claimed he couldn't sleep with me in the bed. If I didn't go, he would. So I left the bed...and I haven't been able to return. <P>It has been 7 yrs since I have slept in the same bed with him. Having a child did not change things. It only made it more difficult on me. With me sleeping in a separate room, he never had to get up with the baby. Once I remember my child crying and crying....I had been up for 48hrs straight.. as he demanded that I go back to work immediately...and I could not calm the baby down.....he rushed into the room and demanded to know what was wrong and insisted that I make this baby stop crying. It must have been GOD that calmed my child down because I certainly was in no state of mind or physical shape to do it. <P>My H has never been physically violent with me...so I'm not exactly sure what I was afraid of that night. I guess it was the lack of sleep that caused me to try harder with getting my child calmed down. <P>Anyway...we still have not had sexual intercourse since I was 3mo pregnant with our child... since 1993. He only gives me the option of oral sex....3-4 times a year and this is never at night when I might stay in the same bed as him. <P>I found this website recently and am in the process of reading Dr Harley's info. I have told my H that we are in trouble...relationship wise...and that he needs to read it too. He has agreed to do so. We are in the beginning stages of trying to repair things.......In my longwindedness I did leave out all of the countless arguments that we had. I just want you to know that having a child will not change things. I truly feel that it will only complicate things for YOU. Having a child may bring you closer for a short while. But ultimately, being the mother, you will feel that the responsiblity is yours. And once again, you will feel that you are lagging behind. <P>My H is also a very outgoing person. He can talk to anybody about anything....he just hasn't been able to talk to me about our relationship.....until lately. <P>Maybe my story will help...maybe it won't. At this point I'm thinking that my H has finally figured out that I am planning on staying with him for the long haul. And that if I have been willing to stay for all of the bad stuff.....maybe it IS worth his effort to try to restore, or begin our marriage, to where it should have been in the first place. <P>Sometimes having a little push can point you in the right direction....but having a child will never do it. <P>I am praying for YOU! It IS all worth it!<P>Peace.

Maybe I should explain more why I ever thought that having a child would help in this situation.<P>You see, having a child has all along been my H's idea. He loves children very much and dreams of having one of his own very much. Recently, people around him has been giving lots of good news about their wives pregnancy. Whereas both of us has planned to have our child a year later.<P>But since my last mail, things has got worst. We TOTALLY stopped our love-making. Let me tell you what happened.<P>Our contraceptive is the withdrawal method and during our last love-making, he didn't withdraw even when I insisted that he does. Lucky for me, I wasn't pregnant. But that left a scar on my emotional front. I felt very cheated, it was as good as being raped by him. I felt that I could not trust making love with him again.<P>I know my biological clock is ticking away... but having a child is a BIG decision to me, much worst when I have such a situation in my marriage.<P>How do you know if a marriage is a mistake or not? There are times when I felt regretful about having married my H. Has this thought ever occurred to anyone of you? I feel so tired emotionally and at times I just feel like giving up.<P><BR>""My Lord, You have united us together and I do strongly believe in the significance of the ring and the vows I have taken. Lord, if this is one of the crosses that I must bear in my life, let it be Your will. I only pray that You will help to make my marriage work and help me to see the goodness in my marriage. Lord, give me the strength to carry on and be with me in times of my darkness. Thanks You Lord. Amen""

Lady Jo Jo,<P>I don't know if my advice is good or not but I would advise to wait until you marriage problems are worked out before having children. Have you tried to tell your husband what is bothering you? I'd let him know that you want a baby too but that you don't think its fair to bring a child into your marriage until its healthier.<P>I'm in a very similar situation. I've been married 8 months and affection has stopped. Sex has dropped off dramatically. He has no interest in my physically. I think perhaps he I'm not attractive enough for him but I've only gotten more in shape since we met, not less. <P>Like your husband, mine isn't concerned with our relationship. When I tell him that my needs aren't being met (for affection, etc.) he gets very defensive and says he's a failure and he'll never be good enough for me. We have yet to resolve this and have spent much time arguing about it.<P>My husband wants children badly also but I'm on the pill so I don't have the same difficult issue you have there.

Dear Lucky,<P>Exactly! Whenever I voiced out my displease, he'll automatically raise his voice and switch to the defensive mode. He'll always manage to come up with some excuses or reasons no matter what. And as time goes by, I just can't bother to start a discussion with him because you'll know what to expect - lots of excuses and defensive remarks.<P>I get lots of pressure from the people around me, friends, colleagues, family... everyone is asking me when I'm having my child. And in such situations, my H will always point his finger at me... that I am the one who's not willing to have children. I am afraid that one day I might just submit to all these pressure...

Cukold,<P>I would like it very much if you would e-mail <BR>me, I can't post on the site because of my <BR>employers banning posting but If you could<BR>e-mail me.<P>Thanks<BR>Theressa<P>An old, old friend.<P>

Cuckold,<P><BR>I forgot my address:<P>mccs6jl2@umist.ac.uk<P>Thanks, hope to hear from you soon<BR>Theressa<P>(An old friend)