First, I want to thank anyone who takes the time to read this as it's kind of a sad story and any help I can get would be great.<P>My wife and I were together for about 2 years before we decided to tie the knot about a year and a half ago. Everything was GREAT until about 5 or 6 months ago. She woke up one day (literally) and decided that she wasn't sure she wanted to be with me. She makes every effort to not be around me and after a lot of discussion, she says she wants to take time to learn about who she is and what she wants out of life. She's 22 now and I'm 27 and while I realize she's young, this is a complete switch. Right before this, she used to have the biggest desire to have children, now, she doesn't even want to even CONSIDER children. And anything having to do with me or our house or our cats are the least on her mind. She said that she never had time to develop who SHE was and now she wants to take that time. I've always been great to her and very supportive and I've given her space, but lately, she's been distant towards everything about me. And she gets upset at me for saying anything to her. She takes *everything* the wrong way and she discusses her problems with other guys at her workplace and not with me. I love her dearly and have tried my best to keep our marriage together and I know she used to love ME dearly, but after her sudden switch, she has managed to make my heart feel incredibly empty and my life is in total disarray (I love her very much). I give her pretty much everything she asks for and I'm a very kind and honest person but I can't help but feel like I'm being stepped on. <P>Is there anyone out there that can help with this situation? Is a separation a good idea? I don't believe in divorce as I believe the covenant of marriage means we should work things out together, but she has no desire right now to work with me. She says she loves me, yet all of her actions show complete disregard for how I feel. I have no emotional support, and sexually, well..lets just say once every 3 months or so is about the frequency. And those times I feel she does it out of guilt (I do nothing to guilt her into it by the way). Things were great before, and now my life seems to be in ruins .<P>Thanks again for your time.<P>Sincerely,<BR>SleeplessInCalifornia

Hi Sleepless...<P>I don't think separation is a good idea. From what I've read here, while sometimes it can give both partners the time and space they need to heal from past hurts and "recharge", more often than not it becomes permanent.<P>Do you think there's any chance your W would take the Emotional Needs questionnaire with you? I know you feel her switch was sudden, but perhaps it was lurking for a while and only surfaced suddenly though the problems had already been there. Also, because men and women frequently have different needs, men do a wonderful job at fulfilling the needs they think their wife has, when the needs men tend to understand are the "male" needs, so they may actually not be fulfilling the "female" needs (and the same is true of the opposite case). Of course, this is not to imply that needs are exclusively male or female... but, you can get all that explanatory stuff at the "Basic Concepts" part of the website - if you haven't checked it out yet, do so ASAP. It's very helpful! <P>I wish the same could be said of me... I too am "sleepless". Never fear, come morning there will be a lot of smart, friendly people here who will surely offer some great advice and insight.<P>

I sort of had the same problems. My GF and I were together for 4 years - luckily we did not get married. I remember the weekend everything changed. One minute everything was fine and when I woke up the next morning everything had changed. <P>She said I was like a claw holding her and not letting go when all I had ever done was be supportive of her needs. <P>Is your wife happy with her carrier/school?<BR>Is she at a crossroads in her life? Is there something that she has always wanted to do but given it up because of your marriage? If there is maybe you could do it togehter.<P>Speaking from experience as a guy who gave his GF everything, sometimes that is too much. It can be suffocating I think. That is just my opinion. Tell her that you are there for her and if she wants to talk then OK. Tell her about the this web site and encourage her to explore it on her own. Maybe she will come to you with some suggestions on how to work things out.<P>Best of luck!!

Thank you very much for the responses...<P>Unfortunately, my wife and I have separated tonight. She tells me that I've always been great to her and that she loves me very much and it hurts her very much to have to leave, but she tells me she doesn't know what her priorities in life are and as a result, she needs time to herself to figure things out. And away she walked out of my life. It's almost as if what she said to me on our wedding day in front of all of our friends and family have no meaning. I thought I was her priority as she is mine. <P>I've never suffocated her with love and affection, but I have given her a great deal of it and I've always made her aware of it. I'm always understanding and I always give her space when she needs it and I've been told that I'm the best thing she's ever found, yet she needs more and she says I cannot provide what she needs and she really has no idea what she needs so that's why she's taking time to figure this thing out. In the mean time, I'm in an empty home. I feel like I'm nothing without her and quite frankly, it sucks not having her near me .<P>Thanks for listening... I feel better now that I've written this, but I still feel as if my life has been robbed. We were doing so well together and out of nowhere she's a completely different person. She went to school as long as she could stand it, and she's doing pretty well at her career (she works at the same company I do which will make it a lot tougher in the coming days). But she's having a lot more fun with her co workers than she's ever had with me I guess and she doesn't want to give me a chance to take her out and have fun. She'd rather be with them which is fine with me usually, except she's shunned me from her life.<P>Good night all.<P>Sincerely,<BR>SleeplessInCalifornia

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SleeplessInCalifornia:<BR><B> She takes *everything* the wrong way and she discusses her problems with other guys at her workplace and not with me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Sleepless,<P>When you say she discusses her problems with "Guys" from work are you saying men or just people in general. If she is talking with other men or a specific man she may be involved in an emotional affair. You do not indicate that you suspect a physical affair so I'm just guessing there may be some emotional attachment to someone at work. Think carefully about this possibility. Not that knowing this changes anything but it can help to know what you are dealing with.<P>Also you seem very sure of yourself about how you were everything to your wife. You never did this or that. I have no doubt that you are a great guy and have treated your wife with respect, affection and decency. All of that does not mean you were meeting her emotional needs. Younglove is right sometimes we men think we have all the bases covered in our relationships. The problem often is that women have a couple of bases we aren't even aware of. Please consider again filling out an emotional needs questionaire. It can't hurt!<P>Hopefully even though you have temporarily seperated you will still have contact with your wife. After you have filled out the emotional needs questionaire, when the time seems right ask her to fill the questionaire out too. Ask her to do it to help you either identify where you have let her down or to verify that you really were meeting her needs. Ask her to do it for you.<P>I am sorry that you are in this situation and know that you are hurting. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited April 08, 2000).]