After only 6 months of marriage, my husband and I find ourselves fighting more and more (in frequency and intensity). We've seen a marriage counselor who have helped us deal with many of our conflicts, but not HOW we deal with our conflicts.<P>If I confront my H with something he said or did that hurt my feelings, he immediately takes the defense. I argue his defense and it escalates from there.<P>I've explained to him that I all I need from him is to show me he realized he hurt me and that he will be sensitive to the issue next time...but all I can get is a screaming fight where I usually end up crying.<P>The anger in his voice and the evil in his face when we fight makes me question how someone who LOVES me would try to validate HIS actions that may have hurt my feelings.<P>He says I'm too over-sensitive and since that's the way his is, I need to get over it.<P>I'm tired of the fighting, and he is too. He says he doesn't want me to be unhappy but doesn't know what to do.<P>Should I be trying to let more things go that bother me, or am I right for speaking up when my feelings are hurt. I don't feel like I pick out everything he does wrong and attack him for it, but maybe I am? Then again, maybe he's the self-centered taker that gets angry when I challenge his (sometimes unacceptable) behavior.<P>Maddi

Hi,<BR>I do not really know your history with your H and how you used to handle conflict before. But I somehow think the first year of marriage is when a couple get to establish their marriage and how they want things to run in their household and that includes how you want to be treated on a day to day basis.<P>I would advice you to read the articles in this MB about conflict and resolving conflict in your marriage.Somehow my H said to me lastweek that everytime I come to him with something that hurts me he feels like he has to defend himself because it looks to him like I am complaining.To him he doesn't understand how I can complain when he does so many other things that are wonderful and everytime he hurts me I start crying and that makes him think he is not enough for me.Well, I didn't really realise this because I thought that to build ourselves and to know how to make each other happy we have to tell each other when something bothers us.So the trick is in how you say.I am learning how to talk to him about what hurts me without making him feel like thats all he does, hurting me.I don't know if this makes sense.<BR>I think because we are still getting to learn more about each other, how to make each other happy and how to work things out, it takes talking to each other calmly, and believe me its so hard for me because I am the emotional type and I do not know how to be calm about anything that hurts me.But thats what he needs from me to be able to understand where he needs to improve to make me happy.<BR>I do not know if this helps, but sometimes conflict is a sign of something that isn't going right and Dr.H advices to take every spouse to take it seriously, but at the same time we have to learn how to say we have a problem we need to deal with.Read more of those articles and maybe ask your H if he would be interested in reading them.<BR>I am sure you are not picking out everything your H does wrong but maybe ask him how he wants you to talk to him when you are hurting.I think being sensitive is a wonderful thing and thats what makes you who you are.So talk to him in a nothreatening way about approaches to issues that he considers to be appropriate and then work it out from there.Swallowing up your hurts might make you resent him later on.<BR>I hope that helps.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Maddi:<BR><B>After only 6 months of marriage, my husband and I find ourselves fighting more and more (in frequency and intensity). We've seen a marriage counselor who have helped us deal with many of our conflicts, but not HOW we deal with our conflicts.<P>If I confront my H with something he said or did that hurt my feelings, he immediately takes the defense. I argue his defense and it escalates from there.<P>I've explained to him that I all I need from him is to show me he realized he hurt me and that he will be sensitive to the issue next time...but all I can get is a screaming fight where I usually end up crying.<P>The anger in his voice and the evil in his face when we fight makes me question how someone who LOVES me would try to validate HIS actions that may have hurt my feelings.<P>He says I'm too over-sensitive and since that's the way his is, I need to get over it.<P>I'm tired of the fighting, and he is too. He says he doesn't want me to be unhappy but doesn't know what to do.<P>Should I be trying to let more things go that bother me, or am I right for speaking up when my feelings are hurt. I don't feel like I pick out everything he does wrong and attack him for it, but maybe I am? Then again, maybe he's the self-centered taker that gets angry when I challenge his (sometimes unacceptable) behavior.<P>Maddi</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>maxini

Hi Maddi,<P>I'm not sure I can remember that first year a lot of highs and lows as much as faulty recall can determine.<P>I'm going to say something you may not want to hear...Of course your husband gets defensive. Many people would when faced with something they did that was hurtful to another and they didn't even know they did it. They try to explain, they didn't mean to hurt, they try to protect.<P>You are both going to stomp on each others toes for a while, that's just the way it is. Maybe he has steel-toed boots on and you have slippers.<P>One thing that may help is to avoid "you statements" and focus on "I statements".<BR>Briefly that means you DO NOT say "you made me feel........." , instead you say " I felt........." . That takes away a bit of the blaming aspect. Your counselor probably told you this, really try to use it because it works. It works with husbands, it works with friends, and it will work with your children.<P>Best wishes to you both.

Please read about the Marriage Builders (Dr. Harley's) basic concepts. You will find a link to them from the home page. These basic concepts will equip you (and your H if he will read them too) be better communicators. After all an argument is nothing more then communication that has mutated into something very grotesque and harmfull. You can begin to use Dr. Harley's basic concepts even if your H won't. With just one of you using them will greatly help!<P>Mud <p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited April 24, 2000).]