It all started with my husband asking, "What are you thinking?" That question led to talking about disappointment, which led to talking about fulfilling commitments, which led to talking about housecleaning, which led to talking about expectations, which led to talking about my job, how many hours I work, and how he feels. How do conversations snowball like that? <P>Last week while we were planning our week we mutually decided that Saturday would be Spring cleaning day. We would devote the entire day to cleaning our house. On Saturday morning I took out the list that I had made of what needed to be done, we discussed how chores should be divided out, and then my husband chose 6 of the chores stating "When I finish these I'll take more." I was absolutely content. I know that I can do more of the housework in less time so I wasn't bothered. I immediately headed to the bathroom to start my attack on the mildew. He went to his office and started cleaning it. His office was not one of the chores that he had signed up for. About an hour later he told me that he needed to clean his office first before he started on the other chores. I could accept that. It was about 11 a.m. and we didn't have to be at church until 7 p.m.. We had the whole day. <P>It's time for church and only half of the chores that he had committed to were done. We went to church, came home, and he went to bed. I thought he might get up the next morning and do the rest of his chores before we had to go to his parent's house for dinner but instead he slept in until 10:30 a.m.. <P>It was on the way home that he started telling me how he was going to work on some housecleaning when he got home and then he would do the rest on Wednesday (because he was going to work Monday and Tuesday night). I stopped talking and that's when he asked me what I was thinking. I told him that I was disappointed. I was disappointed because he told me that he would do those chores by Saturday, which rolled to Sunday, which was now going to be Wednesday. I wanted those things done Saturday. I tried to explain to him how the house was my domain and that it was a poor reflection on me if it wasn't clean. He didn't understand. Then he said that we had never committed to getting the chores done on Saturday. Then, it was an equality issue of if I felt that I had done more than he had. We touched on our household roles and then he brought up the issue of work. <P>In the last month I had reduced my full-time, full benefits job of 30 hours a week to 15 hours + more or less 15 without benefits. (I am an educator and I was working between two different schools and it was extremely difficult.) Reducing my hours was a decision that we made together. He urged me to work for only one school even though it would potentially mean a loss of hours. My other school has in essence picked up the remaining 15 hours so it wasn't (or so I thought) a money issue. I don't have benefits but he has a full benefits package that covers both of us. We had also made the decision that I was going to start doing freelance work at the end of the school year instead of continuing on in my position. I was making plans, writing proposals, investigating grants. He was part of the entire process. In fact, it was mostly his idea. But all of a sudden this became an issue. "I thought our goal was paying off debts. I don't feel like you working less hours is contributing to that." <P>I was at a loss for words. He had been my biggest supporter. We had made the decisions together. I felt fortunate that we were in the position financially (My husband has a great job that he loves!) to try out and see what I really wanted to do. Plus, I had had his support from the VERY beginning.<P>Now, money was an issue. I wasn't making enough. Where he said, "I just want you to do something that makes you happy." before was starting to sound like, "I want you to make more money." <P>He made me feel completely inadequate. I felt like he didn't believe in me or my abilities. I was in an utter state of confusion because we had made the decision together and made decisions for the future (less than two weeks ago) and now he was saying that he wasn't happy with my decisions? He doesn't feel like we are paying off our debts together. It's not a money thing but yet he wants me to make more. He makes a ridiculous amount of money and there is no way that I will ever make even half of what he is making as an educator-not even as the superintendent. <P>What bothers me even more is that I do EVERYTHING in the house (bills, painting, yardwork, upkeep, shopping, etc.) and he works. I do everything so that he has less things on his plate. I don't do it out of obligation and I don't resent it. I naturally do those things because I DO have more time than he does and I am more able. I just don't what he wants. He doesn't either and he is constantly contradicting himself. <P>In my heart of hearts I think he is jealous. I think he is envious of the fact that I have 3 months of vacation. I think it is hard for him to grow up and be a man and not a little boy any longer. I know that he feels a lot of pressure because he is the "provider". I know that he carries a lot of other burdens too. Believe me I have done everything to make marriage an easier adjustment for him.<BR>Sometimes I feel like maybe he wasn't ready to get married. Sometimes I feel lonely because I want a partner. I can't read his mind and I can only go off of what he tells me and says is true. <P>I know that I am just rambling now. I have so many questions. I am so confused. I just don't know where to go from here. Last night nothing was resolved. I don't know what my specific question is. I would like insight into ANY of these areas. I just need a pool of knowledge.<P>Thank you in advance!

Let me take a stab at your problems. From reading your post, I get the impression that there are a lot of misunderstanding between the two of you. A lot of times in communication, what is said and what is meant by the speaker, and what actually is perceived by the listener can be very different. Could it be that your husband has misunderstood you on the division of chores and you have misunderstood him on your career choice? If so, it might be helpful for the two of you to sit down and really try to understand each other regarding the conflicts that have occured already. At the conclusion of the discussion, suggest to him that to avoid conflicts in the future, perhaps you two can have these heart-to-heart discussion more often. Just remember to stay calm throughout the whole discussion - it only takes a spark to start a fire; by the same token, it only takes a little bit of water to calm the flame. Best of luck!

Lola,<P>I read you post carefully and here is my take. Your H became dissatisfied only when you expressed you disstatisfactions with him. The issue is not about how much you earn. That was just the best thing he could come up with at the moment when you (inadvertantly) burst his ego. Rather then focusing on how much you appreciated what he did, you focused on how he had failed. I'm not defending his response to you just pointing out how he likly percieved your comments.<P>There is nothing more deflating then to try to be a considerate mate (which I'm sure your H was trying to be by pitching in with the chores) and then have your spouse deminish your efforts. In fact in your H comments back to you you experienced the very same thing. You recited all that you do to make your H life better and to support a healthy relationship. When he seemed to over look that and pick at something you perceived as not an issue you were hurt. Wa la that is what you did to him.<P>Because this is you first post on this forum you may not have taken the time to read about Dr. Harley's basic concepts. You can find a link to them from the Marriage Builder's home page. Read first about emotional needs and then follow other links that peak your interest.<P>There were a couple of comments you made toward the end of your post that I would also like to address, if I may be so bold.<P>You mention that he makes a good living, far more then you could make. Then you mention that you think he is jealous of your long summers off and you think he needs to "grow up and be a man". Yikes I hope you have never verbalized this to him. (read about avoiding love busting on this site) <P>First of all let me state that I have the most supportive wife a man could ever want. She has supported me through a career change and going to college while we had little kids. Now I find myself in a similar position to your H. I make far more money then my w could and she is a dental professional. She works 1.5 days a week and she does this just to keep her hands in it and to keep her liscensing current. She is invloved in many volunteer activities. I never resent the freedom she has unless she over extends herself to the point of neglect of home and family or if she starts to complain how busy she is. (which is completely in her control) <P>Now understand that I wash cars, change the oil, do dishes regularly, cook often and do the grocery shopping. I rarely do laundry and don't clean house. It isn't a ego or macho thing it is just where we have comfortably assumed different roles. Oh and she pays the bills too. <P>Your H sounds like a decent hard working guy like me. Does he feel pressure about being the primary bread winner? You can bet he does. His willingness to be that has given you the opportunity to persue options. He will not resent the options and/or freedoms you have as long as his efforts are regularly acknowledged and appreciated. <P>This is a male perspective but am sure that there are women on these boards who would have been very grateful if their H had been a 10th as helpful as your H was this past weekend. Correct me if I'm wrong ladies.<P>Mud

Demeter and Mudder,<P>Thank you both for your replies. You have some wonderful insights for me. <P>Demeter, I especially appreciated your emphasis about staying calm during our discussions. I have been focusing on this recently. We have used the heart-to-heart format in the past but unfortunately my husband doesn't care for it. He feels as though it is too contrived. We are struggling to communicate and understand each other and as a result we have had a lot of misunderstandings. He never had an intimate friend before me and so there are a lot of growing pains. Last week we signed up for marriage mentoring at our church so that we can specifically work through our communication issues. <P>Mud, I really liked what you said about my husband feeling pressure about being the primary bread winner. I know that it burdens him. I DO try to constantly affirm him and tell him how much I appreciate him. Maybe I am not doing it in the way that he needs. Do you have any suggestions? We have only been married for 9 months and so we have a LOT to learn about each other, marriage, how to be unselfish, and the list goes on.<P>I also want to thank you for helping me to understand his reaction. I think that you're right. He was responding to his feelings of failure and that it was the first thing that came to mind. I try to express my feelings to him in a way that doesn't attack. I try to be loving. I pray for God to gauge my tone, my timing, my words. I don't purposefully pick apart what he does and look for his failures but sometimes I need to express my disappointment. I don't want it to be bottled up inside of me so that it can turn into resentment and anger. Maybe you can suggest non-threatening ways for me to express myself?<BR> <BR>Mud, my husband is definitely a hard-working, decent man. He has the utmost integrity in his work. I respect and admire him. I also appreciate what he did accomplish this weekend.<P>What I don't understand is how our marriage can be a partnership when he has the role of being the provider and I have every other role. I don't want to be his mother. I don't want to be a nag. I also don't want to be responsible for everything in our household. I want him to be the head of our household. I want him to be a leader. I want him to put as much effort into our marriage as he does his work. What do I do?<P> <P>

Lola,<P>I am very glad that you have signed up for mentoring at your church. This signals a strong desire by both of you that you want your marriage to be the best. <P>Please do read about emotional needs on this web site and maybe even get a copy of Dr. Harley's book on the subject "His Need Her Needs". Once each of you learn how the other is wired emotionally you will be able to do a better job at communicating and meeting those needs. <P>You mention that you don't want to bottle up your disappointments. Your reasons for this are very sound because resentment and anger can develop. Consider a phrase I use often in my life when dealing with disappointments with kids, spouse, and friends. I repeat..."choose your battles wisely". people will disappoint us throughout our life. We can not do anything about that. What we can control is how we let those disappointments effect us. One of the great lies of our society is that in a marriage we have rights. Actually no! In a marriage we have relinquished all of our rights to our spouse. We have given ourselves over completely to them and them alone. This works great when both parties do just that. It is a fiasco when they don't. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the battle you choose may have been one you should have let go. Think how your H would have responded if, on the way home from church, you had said. "Thanks for helping out around the house and I'm really glad you plan to follow through and get all those jobs done for me by Wednesday. Thanks!" Instead you choose to be bothered by the fact that he didn't stick to the original time table. Was the time table all that important? Or was it that you were still a little bent because he didn't do as much as you? <P>A concept you seem to be struggling with is the partnership/division of labor in a household. You make it sound like your H goes to work and you do everyhting else. Is this really true. If it is, then it is a good topic to talk about and come to joint agreement (please read about the Policy of Joint Agreement - POJA) on AFTER you have learned more about avoiding love busting, emtional needs, the POJA and other of Dr. Harley's concepts. <P>Also remember that a good partner is not a mirror image of yourself. The divisions of labor should make sense with who you and your H are. My wife is my complete opposite in many ways. She has a head for details, is compasionate, creative, hot tempered. I'm a big picture kind of guy, logical, not very compassionate, and layed back (most of the time). I have offered to handle the check book many times over the years but my bride says to watch me do that would drive her insane! Because I value her mind she handles the bills. That does not mean that she makes the financial decisions. We often have financial pow wows where we discuss what is to be done but she executes it. That is a partnership. <P>I hope that this ramble makes some sense and is at least a bit helpful.<P>Mud<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited April 25, 2000).]

Mud,<P>Believe it or not my husband and I went through "His Needs, Her Needs" as a part of our pre-marital counseling. I have also been navigating my way through this site and others as a way of gaining understanding. <P>I do understand what you say about choosing your battles wisely. This battle wasn't about the division of chores (though it may seem as though it was.) It was about following through with commitments. It's something that my husband and I have talked about before. He has a tendency to make promises and then not keep them. (Three or four times a week and not only with me.) He recognizes that this is a problem and has agreed to work on it but this weekend I felt like we were back at the beginning. Can you see how I would feel that way? I have chosen this battle because I don't want this to be a habit. We don't have kids right now but if/when we do I want them to know that their dad's word is solid. I don't want them to lose trust in his words like I have. You should only make promises that you CAN keep. I know that you can't always complete what you promise because some things are out of our control but that's where apologies come into play. It's a little different when it is almost daily versus once a month. The apologies don't sound as sincere.<P>Although the division of labor was not an issue before it has now become an issue. To answer your question I believe that the division is 90% and 10%. I am very lucky that my husband does rinse his dishes off and usually puts them in the dishwasher. From time to time he cooks and he will also fold clothes if I set them out for him. And he did the taxes. I am responsible for everything else. I wash clothes, do the dishes, vacuum, dust, clean the bathrooms, living room, dining room, kitchen, do house repairs, purchase household items, do the yardwork, pay bills, keep track of calendar events, buy birthday gifts, write thank you cards, go grocery shopping, wash the cars, keep the cars maintained, and so on. It's difficult for my husband to focus on more than one thing at a time. Work is his main focus. Keep in mind that I work AT LEAST 30 hours a week and I am involved in ministry and I manage to be home when he is home. I am going to look at the Policy of Joint Agreement right now and see if it's something I think my husband will be open to using.<P>Thanks Mud!