Hey everyone:<P>I am back on this forum, after about a yr af being "away". I found it the first time last january, after my H suddenly announced that he hadn't loved me for five years! what a shock. at the time, i was deeply in love with him, but he chose to leave. we were divorced last year, after ten yrs of marriage. (1999 was, by far, the WORST year of my life). divorce was the worst thing i had ever encountered. i think i would have survived better if he had been run-over by a mack truck (don't think i didn't consider this alternative!haha).<P>anyhow, in my "process" of healing, i met a guy 6 months after my H left. we started off as friends, and soon became lovers. he is a weonderful person...caring, affectionate, smart, stable, etc. i think i "fell" for him because i was soooo vulnerable at the time. we have now been dating for a year. i have become more healed during the course of the year, and my needs have changed. he wants to get married, but i have been cautious & have "put on the brakes". recently, i was able to tell him i felt smothered by him. my ex-H was pretty independent, and i am not used to all this intrusive attention by my BF. he is a good person, and i know he would never cheat on me, but i am feeling like i want out of the relationship already. it seems to be taking up a lot of my time & energy. and, i think i probably jumped into the relat too quickly, after my H left. i should have given myself time to heal.<P>and, now, i feel horrible. like, i've dragged this poor man into my life, he has fallen deeply in love with me, and i'm too confused & unstable at this point to make a real committment to him. on the one hand, i feel like i want him in my life, but on the other hand, i feel overwhelmed & think i just might boycott ALL relationships from this point forward. they are just toooooo difficult! <P>the worst part, is that i feel like i am re-living the past. except, instead of me being the one who gets dumped, i am now the DUMPER. i have hurt my BF tremendously, and for that, i feel very ashamed. he never deserved for me to do that. i, of all people, should know how much it hurts to get "dumped". we talked all night last night, but there is still alot of sadness & confusion. i don't know if i should leave the relat, or if i should work harder at it? if anyone has ANY thoughts, please respond. i've never been in this predicament before. and i hate it. i need your advice & thoughts!<BR>sd

<BR>I will respond since no one has for a while.<P>First of all (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) to you.<P>I would say take your time before going on with the relationship,as you very well know marriage is a very big deal and you have dealt with all that before so do not consider going into it yet.You do not sound like you are ready for that kind of commitment.<P>Instead of just going to ahead and dumping him why don't you ask him if you can take it really slow.If he agrees to that then do not discuss marriage yet, just enjoy yourself and enjoy each other.If he thinks you are worth it he will give you time and be part of the healing process.<P>Think about how he can help you heal without rushing into marriage and then at some point you can discuss if you are ready to think about marriage yet.<P>Relationships are difficult, they take a lot of work and so if you think you both are worth it to each other take the time to work at it.If you think you do not have the emotional strength to work at healing and still work at it together then maybe its time to end it and concentrate on yourself.<P>I am by no means an expert on anything but just know that you can do this with him or without him its all upto both of you.<P>Hope that helped some.<P>Maxini<P>------------------<BR>they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength

thanks, maxini. i am doing better. my BF and i talked the other day, and he has noticed that i need my space & time to heal. he is willing to give me my space, with the understanding that we are still committed to each other. i am not sure if this is going to lead anywhere, but i like the way things are, and i am wanting to work on our relationship becuz i think it may be worth it. when my H left me so abruptly, i would have given anything to have another chance. i feel like i owe that to this relationship! thanks again,<BR>sd

<BR>I am glad to hear that you are feeling better about things.<P>Talking always helps doesn't it. <P>Take your time loveis a wonderful thing.<P>Maxini<P>------------------<BR>they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength

I'm glad you seem to be talking things out<BR>and he is giving you the space that you<BR>need. I'll be coming from a different<BR>approach than "Maximi" did...I'm 43 and I<BR>know what I want in a relationship and<BR>what kind of traits that I would like my<BR>future partner to have to help balance me<BR>and encourage me as well. I would suggest<BR>that you write a list for yourself.<P>Then see for yourself if your partner meets<BR>these needs and balances the weaknesses in<BR>you and also encourages the strengths in<BR>your relationship together. Can you do<BR>more for the Lord together or separately?<P>In a society where good, really good men<BR>are hard to find, I would encourage you<BR>to appreciate this man's desire to make<BR>your relationship right in the Lord and<BR>to be married. Marriage is so wonderful<BR>when it is with a person who loves the <BR>Lord and loves you and loves your children<BR>(if you have any), and in that order as<BR>well. <P>I can understand your marriage fears, <BR>however, your partner would not be asking<BR>you to get married if he thought it would<BR>end in divorce now, would he? I don't<BR>know how you are dealing with the<BR>intimacy issue, but marriage makes that<BR>issue honest and right before the Lord.<BR>I encourage you to honor yourself and <BR>take the intimacy out of your relationship<BR>(if there is any) and focus on what is<BR>more important in the relationship--like<BR>how you communicate with one another; how<BR>does he involve himself in the church;<BR>how does he deal with conflict with others<BR>and/or with you. <P>I have been divorced for 5 years now and<BR>have been dating my current boyfriend for<BR>18 months and have known him previously<BR>for a few years. I understand your fears<BR>of abandonment and rejection. However,<BR>I hope you will reconsider his offer of<BR>wanting to get married. If you have<BR>talked and talked and talked about what<BR>is important in making a marriage work,<BR>risk going out on a limb...that's where<BR>the fruit is!!!! (on the limb of marriage,<BR>I mean...) <P>May God bless your relationship!<P>Veronica123<P>------------------<BR>

Veronica:<P>w are still working on it. i liked your suggestion of writing myslef a list of important traits. my BF has a lot of wonderful traits & matches me in several ways, but i continue to feel a bit smothered. we are discussing that openly, and i am trying to be as honest as i can. i am afraid i may have jumped into the relationship much too quickly after my marriage ending. i have many unresolved feelings about mymarriage, so i am going to therapy. <P>thanks so much for your kind thoughts & encouragement!