I guess my main question is, CAN you?? <BR>My SO of several years and I have had a rocky relationship due to many circumstantial problems, and this past year has been really rough (including health problems, family conflicts, and my suspicion - which turned out to be groundless - that he was having an affair). Throughout these years, although he's a good man and has basically been good to me, some of my most important emotional needs have gone unmet. <P>This all reached a crisis point a few months ago when "the final withdrawal" was made and I suddenly fell out of love with him. Seeing this and recognizing that it wasn't a bluff, he finally realized how serious the situation was and began showing me how deeply he (all along) loved me. Since that time, he's done everything in his power to meet my every need and make me feel loved and cherished, yet - although I still love him - I can't seem to get that feeling of "in love" back again. <P>I don't know if it's because I don't trust the change (although I really think it's for real) and am afraid of being hurt again or because once that feeling's gone, you CAN'T get it back, but I very much WANT to. I'm familiar with the "love bank" theory, and it seems that basically says that love deposits can make you fall in love, so why can't deposits make you fall BACK in love?? They seem to be having no effect on me (whereas I'd have given my right arm for them before this change of heart, which took us both totally by surprise, by the way). <P>I should add that after I really gave up on us in my heart, I did, for the first time in all these years, consider another man as a possible partner. Since then, I've had a hard time dismissing the thought (of a new, exciting, and "problem-free" relationship)from my mind. Can anyone help?? I so much want to get back what we had!!!<P>

Hi! Your desire to keep your marriage<BR>together is commendable, and I believe that<BR>the relationship is not scarred forever but<BR>that it has been scarred for a time and <BR>does need some healing. Your husband has<BR>shown that he wants to begin the healing<BR>process between the two of you and gave you<BR>positive signs of showing you how much he<BR>cared...even though it seemed a little late.<P>I believe that, in addition to love having<BR>a "chemistry" component, is also a decision<BR>to love. Meaning that, this feeling of <BR>love that you have been desiring, could be<BR>an actual decision of saying, "I'm falling<BR>in love." You must want this change to<BR>come into effect mentally before it can<BR>happen emotionally. Does that sound like<BR>too big of words? <P>It's like saying words over and over until<BR>you actually begin to feel that way. Like<BR>telling yourself, "I'm special." Input,<BR>input, input, daily, all the time. As you<BR>keep saying those words over and over,<BR>eventually you begin to feel that you are<BR>special. I believe the same principle can<BR>be helpful in your ability to "fall in love"<BR>again with your husband. <P>Maybe another helpful thing to consider<BR>would be to start doing special things for<BR>him instead of waiting for him to do these<BR>things for you. I certainly can understand<BR>that you have felt drained for a long time<BR>and that your husband needs to put in<BR>quite a bit of "deposits" before you can<BR>begin to feel special again, however, you<BR>can feel good about doing something special<BR>for him so he will want to continue to do<BR>special things for you. Continue to give<BR>him reason to remember why he fell in love<BR>with you and married you.<P>Of course, he needs to do that, too, and if<BR>you are looking at your responses together<BR>for some answers, then I hope it will help<BR>him to seek out the best in you. He is <BR>the leader of relationship as God has<BR>designed him, and I hope he will continue<BR>(or start) to take it very seriously.<P>The grass is NOT greener on the other side.<BR>Please don't entertain the idea that <BR>another man will be better. Sounds like<BR>you have quite a bit of "history" with <BR>your husband. Continue to create good<BR>and healthy memories of laughing together,<BR>reading the same book (he may not be a <BR>reader but maybe he could bend a little to<BR>promote growth between the two of you) or<BR>play a board game or cards together. <BR>"Taboo" is a great word game that can<BR>create lots of laughter. I speak from<BR>personal experience for that game! It's <BR>great!<P>Most of all, pray together on a daily basis.<BR>Nothing improves the relationship more<BR>than verbal prayer out loud. Is he a<BR>praying man? I'll for more info next time.<BR>This has improved my relationship immensely.<BR>Are you attending church together? In a<BR>small group? Have common friends? These<BR>are other special things you can do<BR>together to promote healthy growth between<BR>you and build memories and connections.<P>Don't delay in prayer! It's your #1 <BR>resource!<P>veronica123<P><P>------------------<BR>