In a relationship of over 18 months, my<BR>boyfriend still cannot verbally say that<BR>he loves me. This relationship has been<BR>very serious. Even after many wonderful<BR>memories together, he cannot say verbally<BR>say those special words that I long to hear<BR>which gives me hope for the future that<BR>this will eventually lead to marriage.<P>Because he cannot say these words, it gives<BR>me reason to believe that I should move on.<BR>Doesn't a man know if he loves a man after<BR>18 months? If he doesn't love me by now,<BR>is there reason to believe that he will<BR>love me later? We are over 40 years old<BR>and know what we want in life. We're not<BR>kids anymore. Am I wasting my time? I would<BR>appreciate responses from men if possible.<P>What is he waiting for? Should I continue<BR>with this relationship or move on? I don't<BR>want to be impatient but I don't like<BR>wasting my energy on something that will<BR>not materialize with the goal of marriage.<P>Thanks!<BR>Veronica 123<P>------------------<BR>

Veronica,<P>Some men cannot verbalize how they feel. That DOES NOT mean that they don't feel what they can't say! My dad is a great example. In my life I have never heard him say he loves me, yet I know he loves me dearly. Although the words will be nice and will compliment what I already believe about his love for me, I don't doubt that he indeed loves me without those words. I trust that he loves me. That's enough for me.<P>Do you believe that your boyfriend loves you? Do you trust that he loves you? Has he acted upon his love for you in ways other than verbally?<P>"I love you" always sounds great, but sometimes the words are very shallow!

I have had boyfriends aplenty tell me they "love"ed me. They were lying. Go by his actions. Does he put you and your feelings first? What's the rush anyway? 18 months? That's not so long. If he is "all that" then he is worth waiting for, no?

<P>I think 18months is a long time for someone who knows what they want out of lige not to be able to verbalise their love.Like you say you both know what you want in life and in a relationship so if you are what he wants he should be able to say it.<P>I do not know but I value affection and being told the "I love yous" a lot.May be for me its because we had a LD for a long time and we believe that you never know what will happen in life.And so you always want to part with those I love yous when you start the day or when you are going to be apart for a long time.And end the day with the I love yous again.<P>My feeling is even if at some point he says he loves you, he is not the kind of guy who gets all mushy and tells you he loves you everyday, is that what YOU want for the rest of your life?Do you want to always be told you are loved or does is not really matter as long as you know in your heart he does?If it matters then you do not wanna tie yourself down to someone who does not see the importance of telling you he loves you.<P>I hope I am making sense.I know that for me my parents never told me they love me and I know they do a lot.But I knew that I did not wanna raise my kids like that and I knew that I wanted a man who would always verbalise their love for me because I believe saying how they feel about our relationship enhances our communication and gets me to know whats going on with them on a daily basis.<P>In my opinion you want to go by their actions and their words, not only one of those because words and action go together.<P>Whether you should move on or stick it out is your decision because you know him better and knows how he communicates and handle things and you know if the way he does things corresponds with the way you do things and if you are both willing to work together.<P>From your previous posts it sounds like he is so set in his ways so much that you have to do most of the bending for your relationship to work.Is that what you want in your marriage?To be the one who compromises most things while his world is not moved by your commitment to each other?<P>Can you get him to POJA on anything?Like most issues in marriage to solve them you want to find the best win-win solution, if most of the time its his way that should be done how do you hope to solve issues in marriage?<P>I think love for the most part is a decision that you make to love someone not the feeling because feelings come and go.It sounds like he is not decided yet on loving you, maybe the feelings are there but he has not yet made the decision to love you and be with you always.<BR>I hope somewhere in this babbling there is something that helps you.<P>Maxini<BR><P>------------------<BR>they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength

Thanks for the replies. Sounds like 2/3<BR>replies were from women and one was from<BR>a guy. I was trying to get a guy's<BR>perspective. We women are much more<BR>emotional. All women that I know say,<BR>"of course I want him to say he loves me!"..<BR>and "yes, 18 months is long enough.."<BR>That's because most women our age know <BR>what we want out of life and what we<BR>want in a relationship.<P>While I do not want to be labeled as being<BR>impatient, I don't want to wait around<BR>for years just being a "companion" and not<BR>moving toward a goal of marriage and be a<BR>wife in the future. My boyfriend is very<BR>communicative which is why it is so<BR>puzzling to me as to why he will not<BR>articulate his feelings. Seems to me<BR>that he knows how he feels but won't put<BR>them into words. Because he is so<BR>communicative in other ways, I feel like<BR>I am being led on so something that will<BR>not result in the same goal. <P>We have talked frankly about this subject<BR>together. He says, "read between the<BR>lines..." Well, sometimes when I read<BR>between the lines, I like what I see, and<BR>other times, I don't like what I see.<P>Answering a question from Innana...He does<BR>not put me and my feelings first. Most<BR>men don't. You said 18 months isn't so<BR>long. Thanks for your input. Someone<BR>else felt differently. I guess it is good<BR>to get different responses. <P>I realize that no man is perfect and no<BR>woman is perfect, either. Of course I have<BR>my own faults and quirks. When it comes<BR>to a relationship, however, I put an awful<BR>lot into it and make it the best it can<BR>be and not take it for granted. Life is<BR>too short to not experience the best while<BR>here on this earth. Not much time left<BR>at this point in time. Half my life is<BR>over. I'd certainly like to enjoy the<BR>few years left in a relationship that<BR>says, "I love you" and doesn't take it<BR>for granted. <P>A relationship between a parent and a<BR>love relationship is different. I think<BR>it is hard to equate the two on the same<BR>level. Parents' love is usually<BR>unconditional. Guy/girl love is different<BR>and does become conditional.<P>I've said that same thing to him...that<BR>"words and action go together". Do I<BR>believe that he loves me? No. I believe<BR>that he cares for me very much. Do I trust<BR>that he loves me? I could trust him if<BR>his words told me as it would give more<BR>validity to our relationship. He is a<BR>very honest person. That's why it is so<BR>troubling...if he can't say it by now,<BR>then I wonder if I'm waiting for something<BR>to happen that will never happen and I am<BR>slowly wasting my time and energy into<BR>this relationship. Like putting a round<BR>peg into a square hole. <P>He has, however, done loving things for<BR>me occasionally but not on a frequent<BR>enough level (in my opinion). I get him<BR>cards, small gifts frequently, sweet<BR>messages on the phone, hearts in his<BR>tree in the driveway so he seems them<BR>when coming in the driveway. He doesn't<BR>do those things for me. He says, "I'm<BR>not a 'card' guy". <P>Yes, words alone are shallow when they<BR>are not backed up with action. He says<BR>he'd rather show me in action than tell me<BR>in words that he loves me. Yet, there<BR>really isn't anything else that I can show<BR>that he loves me, either. Yet, he did<BR>give me a large sum of money to help in my <BR>vacation expenses with my children recently which was totally unexpected...and this was<BR>after a "disagreement" so it was really<BR>quite a shock. <P>Well, thanks for listening and responding.<BR>Any other replies from other men would be<BR>appreciated. It is good to hear the other<BR>perspective.<P>veronica123<P>------------------<BR>

Veronica,<BR>It sounds to me like he is taking huge withdrawals out of your love bank without returning any coins. If he is so honest, then maybe that's why he can't say it - he doesn't want to lie. If you've explained to him how important it is to you (it's sounds like an EN for you) and he still can't do it, then he will always be hurting you by not filling a need that you have. <BR>I had a relationship with a man over 40 who told me in advance that he would never say I love you to me or fall in love again. I stayed with the relationship hoping that he would come around, and it wasn't until I broke it off that he woke up to realize that maybe he did love me after all. By then it was too late - I had started dating someone else that I felt more attracted to. I don't regret breaking it off, however, I feel that I saved myself a lot of heartache getting away from someone that may have been emotionally crippled.<P>H

Harlequin, thanks for your response. Your<BR>words have been my feelings exactly. Your<BR>response in your situation of breaking up<BR>is validating what my very-soon intentions<BR>are at this point. I do wonder if he is<BR>emotionally crippled and selfish and<BR>independent and just wanting a "companion."<BR>I don't believe he is interesting in meeting<BR>my needs. Therefore, I feel like I need to<BR>move on and will probably do so after a<BR>soon-to-be-held conversation to mutually<BR>agree that this relationship is not going<BR>to work.<P>Unfortunately, these exact reasons were the<BR>same reasons that I had stopped dating him<BR>several times in the past five years. <BR>I felt that given time he would come <BR>around. He seems like he "might" because<BR>he isn't saying "no" but not saying "yes",<BR>either to an intentional commitment to be<BR>together. Thanks for indicating the age<BR>bracket--this helped immensely. It is so<BR>different and a common issue for 20-30 year<BR>olds. By the time we're 40, people who<BR>are healthy pretty much know what they<BR>want and don't waste a lot of time when<BR>they have found what they want. That is<BR>why I question him so much. He's tired<BR>of the questions, of course, but because<BR>I don't get the answer I'm hoping for, it<BR>is probably best to move on.<P>Anyway, thanks for your response.<BR>I hope your present dating relationship<BR>is an upswing for you and is healthy for<BR>both of you. Respond again and let me <BR>know if you wish.<P>veronica123<BR><P>------------------<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by veronica123:<BR><B>In a relationship of over 18 months, my<BR>boyfriend still cannot verbally say that<BR>he loves me. This relationship has been<BR>very serious. Even after many wonderful<BR>memories together, he cannot say verbally<BR>say those special words that I long to hear<BR>which gives me hope for the future that<BR>this will eventually lead to marriage.<P>Because he cannot say these words, it gives<BR>me reason to believe that I should move on.<BR>Doesn't a man know if he loves a man after<BR>18 months? If he doesn't love me by now,<BR>is there reason to believe that he will<BR>love me later? We are over 40 years old<BR>and know what we want in life. We're not<BR>kids anymore. Am I wasting my time? I would<BR>appreciate responses from men if possible.<P>What is he waiting for? Should I continue<BR>with this relationship or move on? I don't<BR>want to be impatient but I don't like<BR>wasting my energy on something that will<BR>not materialize with the goal of marriage.<P>Thanks!<BR>Veronica 123<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>#1: May God guide you in the decisions you make and may you bend with His promptings in the direction that He provides.<P>#2: Ask him to tell you what it would mean if he *were* to say I love you. In other words, what do these words mean to him? He may mean somethin a bit different from what you mean. Clarify this first!<BR>You are in my prayers!