I have been married for 3 years; about two years ago, we started drifting apart and arguing a lot. Now he tells me that he doesn't love me anymore and that he thinks we have different goals and ideals. We are separated and are seeking counseling. This site is wonderful because it is so positive in that area. Is getting love back REALLY possible? <BR><p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited June 22, 2000).]

<BR>Hi,<P>I am sorry your husband feels the way he does. Reading this site you will find stories of people who have built their marriages even when the other spouse said they are not inlove anymore.Read about Plan A and start pronto.Let him know you are interested in him and you love him.<P>Avoid LBs as much as possible and make your home a safe haven for him.Start working on yourself and the things that he does not like in you.This will not only help your marriage but will help you too to become a better person.<P>There are a lot of books to checkout and order from the bookstore here, I am currently reading His Needs Her needs and its great.So start reading everything here and putting it into practice.<P>Dr H's concept is that you can get your love back if you meet his needs.Plan A is when you meet his needs and not expect him to meet yours atleast for a certain amount of time.<P>Good luck with counselling, thats a good sign, it shows that he still wants to work this out.Listen very carefully to what he has to says and maybe start keeping a journal so that you can keep track of what you wanna change in your marriage and in yourself.<P>Maxini<BR><P>------------------<BR>they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength

I think all he needs right now is space and time. He doesn't feel like a man, he says. His number one emotional need is Admiration. I never knew that. I have done much to break that down. He feels dependent on me financially, and I don't support him emotionally or admire/respect, he says. He's an "artist" of sorts and doesn't make a steady income. I am a professional who has worked hard for a little security. I have been critical and less that supportive until only recently. ACcording to him, a little to late. The male ego is a frail thing. A little stroking of it goes a long way I believe now. <BR>Question: Is it ever possible to be unable to meet someone's needs because you feel like you are betraying yourself or is that just selfish talk resulting from a long time of hurt and anger? I believe he feels this way. He thinks we are no longer compatible and have different wants and that he must not abandon his dream for anything. Though I am not asking for that, it is hard when you can't pay your power bill on time. Is there middle ground? Adjustment of priorities? Anything?

<BR>Hi,<BR>I hope your H will realise that marriage takes a lot of hard work to be in tune with each other and to know what each other's needs are.I think for you your needs are financial support which according to Dr H its a need for most women.Your H took this for granted and thats why you feel the way you do.<P>All I am saying is that it took both of you to get to where you are in your marriage and he also needs to admit that.But I think you are doing good to start to meet his needs and do your best to be consistant.<BR>Its possible to feel like by meeting your need he is betraying himself, or maybe setting himself up to be let down again because he needs your support.He might not be sure its going to last this time or if you will go back to the old ways.You need to assure him that this is for real.<P>But I think there is a middle ground or a compromise to be reached in most situations. He does not have to stop his art but he can get a part time job to help with the basic bills around the house so that the responsibility does not lie entirely on you because you are going to end up resenting him for that.<P>Do not give up on him yet let him know that you are willing to work on it and reach some middle ground.<P>How did the counselling go?Did you manage to go?Did he talk to you?Are you planning to go again?<P>I think right now he is mainly hurt so give him time and continue to work on it.<P>Maxini <P><P>------------------<BR>they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength