My husband and I have been married for 5 months. We have been together for almost two years. Our problem is that he has children and I do not. <BR>About 95% of our arguements directly or indirectly have something to do with his children. For example he pays $500/month child support. After this is paidhe is left with enough money to pay our rent. The rest of the bills I have to pay. I hate this. <BR>Also he expects me to "help out" with the children. For example bathe, feed, and babysit. I feel like this is unfair to me because I have not asked him to do anything near what he is asking me to do. Our bills are frequently late and all he had to say is he will TRY to find a way to work something out, but he never does. <BR>I married him because I loved him. But I had no idea that I would also have to care for children who are not even mine. I help him a lot, but when I say I don't want to do something he is offended. <BR>He says that he is giving his all in this realtonship, but I still feel like I am being cheated of things that a wife should have. e have tried to compromise, but he either gets angry or the things that he offers to give up are not as high in value as the things he is asking me to give up. Any Advice?

KD,<P>Did you know that he had kids before you took your vows?? <P>If you did, you should have known what you were getting into. Now that you are married to him, they are now YOUR kids also.<P>Once you are married his problems are your problems and vice-versa.<P>I know that it is a lot on you for just being married for 5 months, but that is what marriage is all about. <P>You two will have to sit down and work something out as far as the bills are concerned. Maybe he can take on a part time job to help you out.<P>I wish you the best in your marriage. Hang tough, the rewards that you get are worth the trouble!!!!<P>------------------<BR>PSALMS 133<BR>AMOS 7:7-8<BR>ECCLESIASTES 12:1-7

Yes, I did know that my husband had children before I married him and I informed him of how I felt about that situation BEFORE I married him. He assured me that the problems that we are having now would not occur. Since they are occuring, we have to determine how we are supposed to get around this without loosing our marriage. <BR>What kind of compromise can we make that is fair to all parties involved or as fair as can be?

KD,<P>It sounds to me that your hubby and ex have joint cusotody of the kids. So I would suggest this: When he has the kids that you both spend time with them!! And that he not use you as a babysitter. <P>In your first post it seemed that you were doing the lions share of the work when it came to the kids. You and hubby should work out some kind of agenda on the days he has the kids (ie, if you feed the kids, he bathes the kids ect...). <P>I understand hubby not having money after dishing out $500.00. Discuss with him about taking on a part time job (working on the days that he DOES NOT have the kids). That way you would not seemed to over burden with the bills. <P>KD, all these are offered IMHO. I do hope they help your situation. Just hang tough and continue to talk things out with hubby. If he gets angry have a cooling off time. Let him know for the sake of the marriage something has to be worked out. <P>I hope to hear some good news in your next posting. <BR><P>------------------<BR>PSALMS 133<BR>AMOS 7:7-8<BR>ECCLESIASTES 12:1-7

oh been there, done that!!<P>My recommendation is that you be "out" when his children come over. He needs to discover exactly what being a father involves. Once he understands that, then you will be able to negoitate. CS is tough because the country has gotten into this whole "thing" about dead-beats.<P>Once he understands exactly what is involved with raising his children (bath-time, feed-time, play-time, sleep-time, clothes-time). Then you can talk about second jobs, children, etc. Also, children have their own adjustment time which is anywhere from four years to never.<P>In the meantime, don't let him push your buttons or become a substitute baby-sitter.

I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't understand what the problem is. You know that he had children beforehand, and now it's a problem? They are his children, and you are now their stepmom. You have a responsablility to these children as well. Yes he is the father, but if you didn't want to take care of children, or have children around why did you marry him? I mean, if it's that important to you? You surely knew how much child support he had to pay- and yes, that is his responsability, and he's seemingly fullfilling it, and paying rent. A marriage is a partnership. If you both are working, you both put money in to the bills, rent, etc. It's not about "this money is mine" and "this money is his" it's a partnership, equally sharing.<BR>On the other hand, if he is indeed "dropping" the children off at your feet and doing NOTHING to help out, that would definetely be a problem. He needs to be a father to his children and spend time with them, as do you.<BR>When you marry someone with children, you take then into your family, they are his children, love them for that. <BR>You're complaining about having to take care of your husbands, the person you love, children?<BR>I'm not understanding why. It seems all very selfish to me.<BR>If the bills are always late, then the both of you should have a talk- and someone needs to do something. I have always been raised that the man is the one to take care of the family. =) And while this would be nice it's not always possible. Explain to him calmly, and in a way that's not making him feel... less of a man (for not being able to make ends meet) that this situation isn't working.<BR>Maybe he could get a part time job, or even get a new job.<BR> I wish you the best of luck. <BR>

My husband does not try to use me as a babysitter, all the time sometimes he does.<BR>like I said before, I do realize that there will be sacrifice on my part. But, these are not MY children. I chose not to have children because I realize that the responsibility is too much for me at this point in my life, I am trying to get my life straight. I am working and going to school for my Master's. I don't have the time or energy for children. I don't mind the children being around, but it is very different when I am the one who is taking care of them and buying for them. <BR>marriage definitely is about sharing equally. But what i am saying is I am the one who is doing all the sharing. My husband will go to work on Saturday morning and leave the kids at home with me. I am left with getting up several hours before I planned to feed, bathe, and dress children. What if I wanted to do something? I feel like I am scarificing and getting nothing in return. Had he asked me if I felt like babysitting I would have told him no and he would have had to make other arrangements. <BR>My husband is also in school, so he can not get another job at this time. But if i decided to leave he could not live on his own with $500, but I could.<BR>yes, I knew that he was paying child support when i met him, but he was not taking form me to pay it, my needs were still being met. Now, he is having to go back in forth to court with his ex and paying child support. I don't have a ring because my ring money went to court fees. <BR>I do love my husband, but the reason that I am complaining is because i don't feel like I am getting much in return. Since I do not have children, I don't have to ask him to do nearly as many things for me. I love him but, I have to help him more than i am willing to. We only have one car, which is the one I brought into the mararige. I have to take him to work and take his kids to school and then go to work and reapet this when I leave work. It takes me 1.5 hours to do this. 3hours a day spent taking him and his family around. Then my husband has a game to play in once a week, 2 hours when i have to watch his kids. Then he comes home and he will bathe them. I have to cook and clean up behind his kids. I don't ahve time to do this. I ralize that if I help him do things then he will have more time for me, but not much more. <BR>My most important emotional need (financail support) is not being met, at all. I am not sure how much longer I can contiue to live like this. I am not used to going without something that I need, ie. a ring, new car.<BR>My parents would give me things but that would definitely make him feel bad if I asked them. And my parents would say well you need to come home if he can't provide for you, which is basically how I feel too. I want to be there for my husband, but I want to also feel like I am getting something in return for my works. These are not my kids, they are his and I am working like they are also mine. i want to know what would be a fair compromise.

I hate to break it to you, but these ARE your kids...your stepkids anyway. That is what happens when you marry someone with kids...you get instant kids.<P><BR>And, marriage isn't about sharing equally on everything, all the time. There are periods when one carries more burden, and periods when the other does. If he cannot get an extra job right now, there may not be a lot he can do about the financial part right now.<P>The key is not is he able to carry 50% of the load right now, but is he willing to go the extra mile for you when you need him to, and vice versa. <P><B>However</B>, he should not be just assuming that you are always there to take care of the kids...this is an area where you need to communicate with each other. Throughout marriage, the 2 people need to be considerate of the other's time, space and most importantly, feelings. It sounds like he is not doing that. The kids, the housework, all the day-to-day business of running a marriage isn't always fun, but the two of you shoudl sit down (calmly and quietly...no "lovebusters") and discuss all this. By the way, I would not stress to him that "these aren't even my kids"...most parents would find this a "lovebuster". Instead, simply talk about your needs...for some help with x & y, for him to ask before he assumes you will be able to keep the kids on Sat., etc.<P>Trust me, communication is a skill all marriages need work on, but it pays to get it right early in the marriage.<P><BR>Kathi

Sounds to me like most of your advice has been from people that do not have stepchildren and have never faced the prospect of having to watch someone else's children all the time w/o being asked.<P>I've been there. My SO was also going to school & felt that he could leave me to handle his children w/o so much as a "by-your-leave" from me. I got very resentful because just like these advisors, everyone kept saying "They're your children now." Well, they weren't & they aren't & no marriage was going to make them. I was an unpaid babysitter after I got married (which had never happened before we got married).<P>Talking didn't resolve anything - just a lot of door slamming & name calling. So I left for several weekends. I'd announce on Friday morning that I'd be gone & pack & stay with friends, relatives, etc. During the week, I'd do my own thing & ignore all of them. SO got bent but finally realized that he needed to ASK me to watch his children.<P>It also got his butt out of the "my children, my children" routine & realize that he'd made a committment to be married to me not as a babysitter but as a wife. He found child-care & rearranged his schedule to accommodate his life as a father.<P>Now while I do a lot for his children, he always says 'thank you' & appreciates the effort. His children, seeing his devotion & committment to their welfare & the welfare of this marriage, have become a lot nicer & really pitch-in to make life much, much more pleasant for all concerned.

No matter who's children you consider them, no one should be taken for granted or used as a slave....I certainly agree there. <P>Breadwinner is right, I do not have step children. But, I have two friends who's marraiges failed under these circumstances...and dividing the new family into "yours" and "mine" was a key issue in both situations. Turns out that is often a failure point. That's all I'm trying to get across...it is a dangerous way to set up a relationship.

You are right, marriage should be about the couple and not about whose children they are.<P>What I'm trying to say is that many people w/children forget that their children are not involved in the divorce or the 2nd marriage choices. Many people assume that their new spouse & children will magically co-exist like the Brady Bunch. And people have a tendency to assume that all women will instantaniously become "Super-Mom" & love every moment.<P>Co-existing or blending of children & a new spouse takes a lot of time and effort. It requires paying attention to everyones needs, goals & desires. It is more of a struggle than having your own children because all the bonding & acceptance happened when your children were infants.<P>When you are dating a parent, the children maybe okay because they perceive that you are entertainment for their parent & usually the X-spouse is also seeing someone. The children think that even though their parents are divorced and have moved into new relationships, they are not married yet so there is hope that their parents could get back together (read: "Parent Trap").<P>Once you get married, even if the children said they were okay, they go through a new phase of testing the limits. That is where most marriages fail, because the bio-parent can't see that their little darlings do turn into demons when left with the new spouse for extended periods of time. And, men especially don't understand that they have to provide a united front - whatever the new spouse says, goes. They have to take the time to discuss all of their goals, plans, child-rearing philosophies, etc. with their new spouse & they have to allow for lots of time for adjustment. <P>And they need to be much more proactive then they were with their X. The new spouse won't remember every time that Zoe needs a night light or that Jason tiring easily means no more than five minutes of running around the playground. They won't necessarily recognize the Zachery temper tantrum look.<P>Another thing that stresses a lot of 2nd marriages is the x. Whether or not they initiated the divorce, they usually go through this regressive vengence stage. It can be subtle like with-holding school information or going back for more CS or it can be blatent like accusations of child-molestation.<P>Marriage is hard enough without all these added head-aches. And what I see happening is that her kd31700's new H has gotten complacent & forgotten that these are not her children, they are his. And as his children, he needs to pay much more attention to everyones comfort and stress level at least for the next year. She can work at it until she's blue in the face but unless he steps in and monitors and manages the transition into family unit & exhibits strong husband/wife relationship bonds to his children, their marriage may not make it.

Breadwinner you hit the nail on the head. My H is often offended that I say, I don't feel like bathing them. He will get angry and say well you did it yesterdat so if you can't do it all the time then just don't do anything. <BR>For example his child had head lice. He called them mom and she did not come to get the child, so I was left to help him. After about 30 minutes of doing this I was tired so, I just said I am leaving. He got angry and said that I should have never started to help. I help him because I love him and I care about all children, not just HIS. <BR>After reading one of my lasr posts I realized that I misprinted something, I do not believe that we will always be equally sharing. But I do feel like I deserve to feel like what I am doing is a favor and not just something that I have to do. <BR>I have decided that I may not want to have kids because of all the chaos. <BR>My H's kids have suffered so much because of this divorce. It is not their fault and they deserve to have both of their parents as often as possible. He is a good father when he is doing that. But can you imagine how it feels to have kids call you mom and ask you why they can't do something like play baseball or something of that sort and you can't so anything to help them. My H's kids do not know that I am not their mom. I wish that I sould feel like I was thier mom, but as long as there is someone constantly reminding me that I am not their mother and that I will never be, it is hard to accept this(BM). Like i said, I love my H and his kids, but I want to make this as easy as possible for all involved including the BM.

Ignore BM, she will do whatever she does & nothing you do will change that one iota.<P>Do the following:<P>1. Go take a soaky bath, a walk or whatever relieves your stress levels.<P>2. Sit down & figure out your household expenses & how you can pay the bills w/o your h's financial assistance.<P>3. Go take another stress reliever break.<P>4. Hire a baby-sitter & go out to dinner & a movie with your h. Don't talk about children.<P>5. When your h has his game, pack up the children & leave them with him if you have other things to do.<P>6. Go take another stress reliever break.<P>7. Hire a dhild-sitter and have a serious, no name-calling, no accusations conversation with your h about finances. Show him your budget & explain your goals, find out if his are the same.<P>8. Write down the results of that conversation. Those are your mutual financial goals. This will help you during the dark days ahead.<P>9. Go have a stress reliever break.<P>10. On another quiet moment, ask your h about his child-rearing philosophies, plans & dreams for his children. Get him to be a specific as possible. Ask him how he intends to achieve those. Find out what his ideal parenting is all about.<P>11. Carefully ask him what upsets him most about your unwillingness or being unable to take care of his children.<P>12. Examine what it is that upsets you the most. Is it that you get tired, choose not to or get bored? Or is it not being <B>asked</B>?<P>13. Treat his children as if they were yours, just go and have fun with them.

KD31700...Most that have responded to your post do not have step kids. I do. I have two step kids that are with us 30-40% of the time and also two of my own that are with us 100% of the time since their father doesn't exercise his parenting time. The first year is the hardest. It's not only adjusting to your new marriage but an instant family. When my husband and I got together his kids were 2 and 4. Mine were 5 and 9. He didn't help with my kids. Never offered. It was just like being a single mom. I didn't really notice this until his kids came over. Well since his were younger then mine they required more care then mine did. Sometimes tackling it on his own got a bit overwhelming for him and he needed/expected my help. It wasn't soon when I started to resent this. My thoughts and attitude was "Heck, you don't HELP me why should I help you? You have a lot of time when your kids are not around and your free to do as you please. I have 2-4 kids all of the time". So, on the occasions that my kids happened to be with grandparents and his kids were over I took off and did my own thing. I left him to tend to the kids all on his own. I could tell he wasn't happy with that. Then it hit me. If we continued the way we were going we were headed for BIG problems. We WERE a family. All 6 of us. It wasn't about MY kids or YOUR kids but rather, OUR kids. After discussions with my husband and looking at it from a different point of view we did a total 180. Almost 4 years later he has developed a loving and close bond with my children and I have with his. We both give our family and each other 100% and our marriage couldn't get better. My husband pays almost 2,000 per month in support so even though he makes a lot of money compared to me, I actually bring home more money. It's not my money or his money but our money. I knew what he paid in support when I married him so *****ing about it wouldn't be fair. Instead, I look at his kids and I know they are being well taken care of. Now, (and I believe somebody else brought this up), I think the biggest problem in second marriages is the ex spouse(s). Once we made it through the first hurdle regarding the kids we got along perfectly. The only time that we have had or have stress has to do with the ex's. My ex was verbally abusive after our divorce and ...well lets just say he caused a lot of stress for me. That made me more irritable. His ex likes to call him and tell him what he has to do. Change pick up times with the kids or just plan wants to call the shots. We are working through this well now too. When I'm frustrated about something I communicate that with my husband and he does the same. Both make sure to be very open to each others fears, thoughts and frustrations. Our ex's have very little impact on our lives now. But, every once in awhile they will try something and we'll feel some frustrations. But for us, if it were not for ex's we'd have nothing to complain about! In my honest opinion, I think if a second marriage fails a lot of it has to do with ex's, not the marriage itself. So, give it time....give it some adjustment and what ever you do keep communication open with your husband. Understand where he is coming from and hopefully he'll do the same for you. You don't instantly care for or love your step children. That takes time and effort.

You ALL have been so helpful to me. Looking at Dr. Harley's list I already know that my H and I both have frequent angry outburts and we are trying to work on that. As far as the ex is concerned, she is trying to stay far away fromme because I filed harassment charges against her.<BR>I really do want my marriage to work. I will work with the suggestions and let you all know how things are going in a few months. As for now, his kids have gone back with their mother and he will see them next weekend so we may have a chance to relax, unles she comes up with something else.<BR>THANK YOU! I can finally smile again, and see that there is hope.