My boyfriend and I have been together almost three years. Simply put, he has a trust fund and a wealthy "heritage". He is 28 and accepts offers fom his parents to pay his insurance and other large bills... otherwise, he lives like a poor man because he doesn't work a 'regular job'. He works on his music and at least a third of his income comes from his parents.<P>I was raised to earn my own money, and if I didn't have enough I went without (as a teen and in college). I couldn't wait to start working, and now at 30 I have my own home, a great career with a very good salary, and I've done it all myself.<P>My boyfriend and I have never had money issues - we split expenses when we go out. If we want to go on a vacaction, I usually pull funds from my savings whereas he pulls it from his trust fund. We are both frugal-minded.... we read the marriage builders ideas and subscribe to many of the ideas. But after our conversation last night I'm really worried about how our financial backgrounds may affect our future.<P>I suggested that if we were going to be married and look for a new house (besides mine), we should consider pre-qualification to see what we can afford and what a bank would give us. Given that now I have my own mortgage and he has NO credit because he always has cash, I thought it would be good information to help us plan.<P>Through our discussion, I learned that he really has no intention of ever taking out a mortgage because he expects to get the money from his parents.... or if needed, he would have them co-sign on a loan for him. If anything, his parents would "take out the loan" and we would pay them back for it. <P>I'm in a place where I can't tell if my feelings are justified. I feel like I have spent my life getting this place - where I am financially independent, I don't have to accept money from other people, and I don't plan on it in the future. If we were married, I would NEVER want his parents to support us to that extent. <P>After all that, I need advice: would our different backgrounds make it impossible to negotiate money matters? (although we've been able to as singles, but once married it would be different) In this example, would it be wrong for me to tell my love that, "No, if we were married you would have to be dependent on ME not your parents... if you depended on anyone at all." <P>My boyfriend has always "allowed" his parents to "help" him financially in ways that I would not do myself. His attitude is, "I will take their money when they offer it to me because I know my family is wealthy. I also need the money because I don't work.... but I don't work because my family has money." Will I ever be able to accept this "lifestyle" or - if I marry him - will it drive me crazy until I completely resent him.<P>Please advise!!<BR>

I read your post when it was new, and figured somebody with more experience with MB principles would respond. Since it doesn't look like that's going to happen, I'll express my opinion.<P>If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to put as much distance as possible between yourself and this boyfriend!<P>It's not the money, it's the drastic difference in attitude and philosophy between the two of you. You'll drive each other nuts.<P>You describe a man who's lazy, unmotivated, and perfectly content to let somebody else support him. Of course he's living frugally -- it's easier than working for a living.<P>You, on the other hand, have set goals for yourself, and are well on your way to meeting them. You have worked for, and acheived, financial stability.<P>Assuming your description is accurate, what I foresee in a marriage between you and your boyfriend is that you will provide financial support AND domestic support AND pretty much everything else, while he works on his music. You'll have no free time, while he has nothing but. I know I'd resent that arrangement in pretty short order.

Hi Smidgen,<BR>Thanks for the response. This issue certainly makes me wonder for our future. I keep reminding myself of what my mother has ALWAYS told me, "people don't change". And my sister has told me... and I wonder about this man. I do love him, and he understands me like no one else ever has. <P>He believes that if we were married and I was the only one working (he's said that he COULD get a real job), that it wouldn't be fair if I was still responsible for domestic details. He foresees that if I work full time, he would take care of all the domestic stuff, including taking care of any kids. ON the surface, it sounds good to me. But there's part of me that doesn't want the financial responsibility of an entire family to fall on my shoulders. When I told him this, that's when he said he'd be capable of getting a job as well.<P>He is supportive of my volunteer work and will be joining me on a two-week mission this fall (even though he could easily spend the three grand on computer equipment). We have a vision of being married and building a house that includes a professional studio so he could grow that part of his business, working with clients. <P>does it still sound so bad? I wrestle with this sometimes, and other times I have total faith that God brought us together. We've talked about that as well, and share the same beliefs and goals for a spiritual life together.<P>Sometimes I just wish he wasn't so spoiled. but maybe there's hope, since he admits it.<P><BR>

Sounds to me like, if you married him, it wouldn't work and he'd expect alimony from you.<P>IMO you should run not walk away from the man.

He does music as a business? I didn't get that from your original post. He performs? teaches? both? what?<P>What kind of track record does he have with this music business? Is it really a business, or an excuse not to look for a "real" job? Does he have a realistic chance for success at it?<P>If he DID get a "real" job, what kind of work is he qualified to do? Does he have enough training to work in a musical field while he builds his clientele on the side?<P>I guess what I'm getting at is, how serious is he about the BUSINESS aspect of the music? Is it more than just an excuse to be a bum?<P>Could he/would he live within his own income if his parents stopped "helping"?<P>I'd look really hard at this issue. If it's important to you that he contribute financially, don't just accept his word that he WOULD do it at some vague time in the future. <P>As I said before, it's not just the money; it's the whole lifestyle issue. You need to have a GROWN-UP spouse.<P>It sounds to me as though he is happy to sit back and let somebody else do the work for him. If you marry him, that somebody else is likely to be you. And I'm guessing that you would resent it pretty quickly.<P>But I could be wrong. Read the info on this site, figure out what your Emotional Needs are and whether your boyfriend is doing a satisfactory job of meeting them. If he is, great. If not, let him know what he needs to change and give him a chance to do it. If he is unwilling or unable to do so, move on. You have too much going for you to throw it away on somebody who can't/won't give you what you need.

excuse me smidgen, cinderella but did someone ask all those questions of you before you got married? I mean were you not considered 'grown-up' because you didn't work or planned to?<BR>I'm really curious is the finanical support thing important or is it important because he is a he?<BR>Thanks for your responses.

No, but I wish they had. I wish somebody had pointed out how long the rest of my life was going to be. And I HAVE emphasized to my own children (21 and 23) how important it is to choose a responsible adult for their life partner.<P>According to HNHN, financial support IS on the list of most women's top ENs. It has not been an issue in my marriage -- in fact, it's the only responsibility my husband thought he had in marriage. But he has been irresponsible in other ways, and that (irresponsibility) tends to be one of my "hot buttons."<P>As I have mentioned several times in this discussion, it's really not the money. Lilac might be perfectly happy providing the financial support for the family. My concern would be whether her BF's lack of concern about money comes from an unmaterialistic philosophy (which could be a GREAT thing if she shares it) or from pure laziness (which would affect every other aspect of their lives together).

Lilac,<P>One more thing you may want to think about is what kind of attitude about money and work do you want to pass down to your children. What you face here with your boyfriend is not a difference of oppinion but a difference in philosophy of living. You value work he values fulfillment. While this point of contention is not necesarily fatal to the relationship it is likely to surface time and time again if you two marry. Setting some ground rules using POJA now will benefit you in the future.<P>Mud <><

Thank you, Mudder. It sounds much gentler when you frame it that way.<P>As I said, irresponsibility is one of my major "hot buttons." I've spent too many years feeling like the only grown-up in the house, and I may have responded too forcefully as a result. I'm sorry if I offended anybody.<P><BR>

I wasn't offended, smidgen.<P>I sure appreciate all the opinions and advice on this. Yes, I believe my boyfriend has a chance in the business -- it's what he went to school for and he's extremely talented. We're both in creative fields, it's just that I work for someone else and he works for himself. I believe that he could really do well, and that's why I try to be supportive of his efforts to concentrate on his own recording sessions as well as building a clientele with other people who pay for his studio skills.<P>Children ARE another issue, though. We were each raised differently in regards to earning/receiving money ... it's definitely something the two of us talk about in regards to the future.<P>I used to think that I wouldn't mind being THE breadwinner in my own home, but the closer I get to that reality the more I question that idea. I've told my boyfriend that I don't want to feel "trapped" - what if we have kids and then I don't WANT to work anymore? That's a very real possibility, but I don't ever want to feel like I have no choice. The good thing is, I've told him this, and he understands my concern. It's one of the things on the table right now, but we're always able to talk about this stuff. If anything, that's what gives me some hope.<P>Thanks again for the ideas. <P><BR>