My H and I have been married for seven months now and we are having a lot of problems. The biggest one right now is with me. My H said he wanted to wait a couple of years before we discuss having any more children. I have a two year from a previous relationship. Then a couple of weeks ago he popped up and said that he was going to have a vascetomy done and that was that. I have always wanted two kids and I was not asking that we have one anytime soon. I just wanted the chance of having one more to be there. Now I am having a hard time dealing with it. I feel as though I have lost a child I never really had. I can not understand why he does want another one and he doesn't understand why I do. When I try to talk to him about how I feel, he gets very defeincive and says there is nothing to discuss. I am not asking for help to change his mind I am asking for help on how to deal with it myself.

Yikes! Major Love Buster! <P>Read what you find about the Policy of Joint Agreement elsewhere on this site. If ever there was a situation that needed this policy, you have found it. <P>Then ask your husband as respectfully as you can to postpone the vasectomy until after you can both agree it is right. Be darn sure you are always using reliable contraception in the meantime! Getting pregnant now would be a horrible Love Buster!<P>Then (gently) try to get your husband to tell you what caused him to want this. Don't try to talk him out of it. Just find out why. <P>Both parents need to be sure when they have a baby that the time is right. And both have to agree that the time is right for a vasectomy as well. These are both decisions that affect both of you (to say the least). <P>Disclaimer: Yes I have had The Operation. But we already have had our quota of children, and we both agreed it was the right time to retire from reproduction. We literally flipped a coin, where heads was her tubes tied and tails was me getting fixed. It came up tails. Snip snip. <P>Regards,<BR>rs0522<BR>

I have asked him to wait a couple of years before he has the operation but he says no. right now I am on depo(although it is causing a lot of problems to my health). When I ask him why he does not want a child all he says is that he just doesn't. I went through my first pregancy and first year and half by myself and I don't want to do that again. But I do want to expreince having a child where the partner is invovled and I want him and I to have a child together. Every time that I try to talk to him he clams up and says there is nothing to discuss. I am literally bouncing between being angry and hurt. He has told me that either I deal with it or leave. How can I talk to someone like that. I have read The Policy of Joint Agreement but he won't. So what do I do? He gets what he wants and I learn how to deal with it. How is that fair?

Valentine -<P>Depo-provera (if I am understanding correctly) is pretty reliable, so the pressure on your husband to get vasectomized right away should be reduced. It may help to tell him that you have had the shot, and so for at least three months (or whatever it is) he doesn't have to worry about children he doesn't want. The idea is to reduce the immediacy so that you have a chance to talk. <P>Make the point of the conversation NOT to try to convince him to have a child with you. That isn't going to go anywhere. You are going to have to let him do almost all the talking, and not to try to counter his arguments or present reasons why he should have a child with you. Just get him talking about why he doesn't want this, and don't interrupt or argue. It is going to take some major effort on your part (if you are anything like me) not to try to convince him., but this is what you need to do. <P>First find out why he objects. You can't do anything until you know this, and you will not know it until you can make it clear to him that you are listening and not just waiting for him to stop talking.<P>Post again after you give it a try.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522

I have good news! My husband talked to one of his friends about this and his friend said something to make him think. That night he said that if I would go get the 5 year Neroplant then he would not get a vascetomy. He said that he wants to focuse on his career right now because he is at a point where he could make alot of money or stay where we are at now forever.I told him I was in complete agreement with him. So now the door is still open for us. I am only 21 so I am in no rush to get preganant. I just wanted the optian to be there if we decided to have another child. Thank you everyone for your advice and support. We are doing a lot better now. Oh, and to show him how much it meant to me for him to talk things over and come to a agreement, I told him I was proud of him and cooked him his favorite dinner.

Excellent! Good for you, Valentine (and for your husband). <P>Now find out (gently) why he was reluctant to tell you. If you ask the right way, he will tell you. Take it to heart for next time!<P>God bless both of you.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522<BR>