Hey there, I am new to these boards and new to marriage. My husband and I got married 4 short weeks ago. The problem is that we have been fighting SO bad. We know that we didn't make a mistake but man, this sure is stressful. I have had problems with him not listening when I talk and this has gotten worse since the wedding and I don't know what to do anymore. Such as, when I am talking he will interupt me to say something not at all related to what I'm saying or he will start looking at someone or something and completly ignore me. It has made me not want to tell him anything anymore. I have told him many times in the past that I need to feel emotionally close to him or the want for a physical closeness will not be there. Since the wedding he has stopped doing anything "nice" for me and will only do small things if there is "something in it for him". I just don't know what to do, at the risk of sounding wishy washy, he is not a bad person or husband. I think that communication has broken down. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks

It's sometimes real awkward right after the wedding. with all the hub bub having died down, it's just the two of you living life. Take some time to spend with one another talking about what it's like. Ask his opinon, is this what you expected or how do we get it there? Just a suggestion. Perhaps in a relaxed atmosphere you can get some of your feelings conveyed.

This sounds so much like where I was when we first got married. I tried and tried to get my husband to talk to me, and he'd pick up a book or turn on the TV. Eight months after our wedding, my husband blew up at me because of my attempts to engage him in conversation. <P>He maintained that he had a RIGHT to spend all evening, from the time he got home until he went to bed if he wanted to, engaged in his favorite pursuits (reading, TV, etc.) and I had NO RIGHT to interrupt him. I told him I NEEDED to talk with him, he told me that was a stupid thing to need and he wasn't going to do it. <P>I can't say for sure that your husband is doing the same thing, but it sure struck a chord with me. If he is, you need to stand up for yourself and make sure he realizes that this issue is CRUCIAL to the success of your marriage. Get counselling if you have to. Whatever it takes to convince him that YOUR needs are every bit as legitimate as his.<P>We got off on the wrong foot from the beginning, and 25 years later we're still suffering from the repercussions. Once those habits are formed, it's horribly difficult to change them.

clyons,<P>Here's a little perspective from a guy who is much like the person you're describing, but I may be a slightly milder case.<P>My W and I have been married for 7 years, and for the first few years, I rarely payed enough attention to my wife's EN's. <P>The funny thing is, though, I never really meant to ignore her. She would be telling me something, and I would drift off, and I'd be unable to repeat any of what she'd been saying for the last two minutes or so. I felt stupid when she caught me daydreaming. I would also interrupt her with whatever else was occupying my mind at the time, whether that's what we were talking about or not.<P>I'm not a bad person, either, but that type of behavior frustrates my wife to no end. I can't explain why I do it, because I love her sooo much.<P>The damage done by my lack of attentiveness was cumulative, though, and over the years, my wife became less and less willing to fill my EN's, and things got pretty bad, to the point that she stated she didn't know if she would ever want to have sex with me again. That she wasn't sure if she would ever be attracted to me again. I realized that I had to hunker down and concentrate on listening. To concentrate on staying focused. To concentrate on doing nice things for her, and to concentrate on showing affection for her at times other than foreplay (what foreplay there was )<P>It didn't come naturally at first. It seemed like work. But after being deprived of her affection, of her need for sex, and of her attention to my needs, any little bit of affection from her is like rain in the desert. I'm willing to work for it. And lately, it has been feeling more and more natural to show affection.<P>I still drift off now and then, but it's rare enough that she laughs it off. She waves her hand in front of my glazed stare, or slaps me if she's feeling saucy, and it's practically comedic to both of us.<P>Tell him about these pages. I hope he's interested in making things work in the long haul. And the concepts in these pages are pretty easy to follow.<P>My wife didn't want any part of following some online site's concepts, so I had to practice them by myself, but it worked.<P>See what he says about the Love Bank, EN's and LB's. And tell him, without being threatening, that all of the woes in these forums are happening because one or both spouses aren't doing their part, whether it's intentional or not. Usually it's not. Certainly in my case, it wasn't. I just didn't realize how important certain EN's were to her.<P>Ok, that's enough already.<P>stable guy