I was just married three months ago, and I am thinking I made a huge mistake. The man I married is insecure and jealous of this one male friend I have, and he has,in no uncertain terms told me to choose between my friend or my marriage. Granted, this male friend is the best friend I have ever had, and I would never give him up for anything. Secretly, I am in love with my friend, and sometimes I wish I had married him instead. There has been a connection between us for six year, but the timing was never right, and we were with other people. Last year my friend and I got to explore that option. Stupid me, I told my husband about the things my friend and I did before we were married. I didn't even know my husband until last January. He seemed like everything I had been searching for, but now he says he does not trust me, never did. He has told my friend to stay away for at least six months, but I would die if I never saw my friend again. Do I stay in this marriage and work things out or do we just go our own ways now? We have no children.

I wish you could go back and read your post. What kind of advice would you give to this person. It absolutely ridiculous to marry someone knowing your are completely inlove with someone else. I agree that you need to choose. Your husband is correct. You vowed to forsake all others for him. I agree that he can't trust you. What's there to trust. You betray him with your lusting over this friend each and every day. You have painted a picture by telling him what you and this person have already done so how can you blame him? You needs to make some decisions very qucikly. You should never have married this man and you are about to ruin his life with your own selfishness. This marriage thing is SERIOUS and it demands some respect and honesty. There is no room for another person and to make it work it take syour total focus a divided agenda will not work.

i can totally identify with you- i too have a best friend who is male - we have been friends since we were 12- and i love him and always have- BUT as we grew i realized that the "love" i have for this person has to change- we always have had that connection but like you the timing was never rite- til his fiancee left him this year and he was willing to confront me on these feelings- only now i am married and my life has already chosen a path that does not include him in that manner- i almost ventured into dangerous territory on an emotional level and did consider leaving my marriage, but then i thought about how long we had been friends and he never had the courage before why would i risk my marriage for that- i love my H - and he was threatened by the friendship until i explained that it stopped at friendship and i would not give up a friend because he said so- it was a difficult few months- BUT i made the rite decision- and i know that- i have no doubts- i chose to be where i am and you have done the same thing- you have made a choice- you chose your husband- and altho you may feel confused by the feelings you have for your friend- remember it is more important to keep your marriage and a friend than to risk it all and lose both- step back and remove yourself emotionally from the situation and look at with a clear head- i don't think you should give up your friendship and its not rite that your H has asked you to- but maybe some time away - even a wk or two- will clear the fog that has brought these thoughts to you- i don't know but i doubt you have made a huge mistake marrying your husband- you chose him for reasons only you know and sometimes once you are married you have more doubts than you did before- it is very hard work but it is worth it- good luck i know this is very hard and some people won't agree with me - they will tell you its not rite to have these feelings for your friend- but when you reevaluate you may realize that those feelings can be put away now and they may not be what you thought- you have moved on and when you are confident and you feel secure in your marriage i see no reason why you can't have this friend in your life. just my opinion hope i helped some.

Your H is quite correct to ask that you not continue this friendship with a man you are "secretly" in love with. <P>You may have made a mistake..only you can decide that. It's time to decide whether to admit a mistake and divorce (now, before kids & other "encumbrances" make things harder) or to focus on your H and marriage. You, your H and this other man all deserve to have a partner who loves and is committed to him/her. Splitting the difference won't work.<P>Only you will be able to decide which is best, and it is a decision worthy of great thought. My suggestion would be to take the 6 months, don't see your friend and work on the marriage during that time.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi

All I can say is that you have deprived your H. of having a wife that loves and cherishes him, and that is not something to be proud of. You owe it to him to either give up this other friend entirely and focus all of your energies on your H, and if you are not capable of that because you will still be in love with the other person, you must tell your H. the truth and convince him to annul the marriage. Or divorce him.<P>Don't stay in the marriage for your own selfish reasons, it is really such a mockery of marriage.

Thank you, Rax and Kathi. It has been three weeks and I have only talked to my friend briefly in that time. If you guys only knew how much I missed him, and it isn't why you think. My friend is the best friend anyone could ever have, and to not be able to talk to him whenever I want seems, as Trlyloved has said, quite selfish of me. But it hurts too, knowing that my husband will never accept this friend as an important part of my life. No one said I didn't love my husband--it just is not the same. We got married after only knowing each other for five months, so quite possibly that was our own fault. I do not have any regrets about what was done before I knew my husband. ANyone who wants to judge me can do so at their liking, but no one lived my life and knows why I did the things I did. Thanks for all your advice!

No one is trying to judge you...actually, I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation.<P>However, YOU are the one who says you are secretly in love with your friend.<P>Don't kid yourself that beinf married to one man and secretly in love with another is a good option for ANYONE in this situation. Better to sort it out now than after more damage has been done. It is a big, life-changing decisin, and you want to make sure you stop & figure things out.<P>You may even find that, once you really work thru things, neither man is the "right" one....<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi<BR>