I'm sure I have been doing all the wrong things here, but if there is still a small chance, I want to start doing what is best from now on. I am 29 and J is 25. Our story started almost 2 years ago. We both woked together and I was going through a separation/divorce. J and I worked together and a friendship started between us, but it soon developed into more. But due to the fact that we worked together and that I was still only separated (fyi- my divorce was just the rsult of us growing apart, very amicable), we didn't tell too many people about us. But despite the circumstances and timing, something that neither of us had ever felt before happened between us. Anyway, things were great. We talked about so many plans for the future, trips, holidays and eventually marriage. He said he had never been happier and couldn't wait for us to start a life togther. But, after it all started coming true, he got scared. This was his first serious relationship and he said he felt overwhelmed and worried that he would screw things up and ruin our lives. He said he had never really thought about his future before, that he never really cared about anybody enough to until now, but he felt he wasn't ready. And even taking things slow wouldn't work because the pressure was still there and because it wasn't fair to me. He just wasn't ready. Well, we were apart, though we talked a lot and I tries to help him through his fears for about 3 months. He said he missed me and that he was trying to figure out what was wrong with him, us. Though he still loved me, he said he couldn't feel that in love feeling anymore. He then decided that he could handle just dating me, so we got back together and we had so much fun, but things seemed to get more serious than just casual dating, just because it kind of developed into that again. He said he wanted to try to keep things going slow because he was worried that what happened before would happen again - that he would get scared. I gave him his space, he went out with his friends etc... but I was always afraid that it would happen again so I think I questioned him alot, making sure things were okay, that he was happy etc.. Then after about 6 months, he told me he didn't think he could handle this relationship, that he worried he would never want to get more serious with me, and wondered why he couldn't achieve that "in love" feeling again. He said he didn't feel that we were right for each other right now, but that he couldn't predict the future. Well, I was devastated and of cousre tried everything I could think of to make him change his mind. I know all of my crying and questions just pushed him faurther away. He said he wanted to be friends because he cared so much about me and couldn't imagine me not being a part of his life. I have been trying that - it's been 4.5 month now and I do well for a while, but then I get weak and start asking him for another chance etc... I do feel as though I am getting stronger though, but I know he is still wary. I know he is dating because he says he is needs to see what is out there because he never had that experience before. But he says he is happy being single now and does not want to get into a serious relationship with anyone. And that he just wants us to be friends. But he aways sprinkles his answers to my questions with like "not now" and "I don't know how I'll feel in the future" which of course keeps me hoping.<P>What I need to know is what is best way for me to keep any small spark of feeling he may still have for me alive and maybe re-kindle the feelings he either lost or has buried. I just can believe that the strong feelings he had before could just stop like that. IF I am able to just be friends, let him see that I am moving on with my life (which I know I need to do beacuse I may not get him back), maybe rebuild some respect, is it a good idea to keep the connection open? To allow him the opportunity. Or, is it better to just say something like: "I have tried to be your friend but it is too hard and not fair to me so I have to say good-bye to you. I want to be mpre than just your friend and if you ever decide that is what you want to, then give me a call." Should I take a stand like that and hope that will maybe make him realize I won't always be waiting around for him. <P>I don't know if it is better to cut things off completely or say in touch. I know he may do whatever he needs to do regardless but I need to know what would be best for me to do if I have any hopes of winning him back. <P>Please offer sound (and tested) advice on this matter. Thank you.

When I was in your shoes. We went out separate ways and I was so busy trying to keep the connection open that I drove him crazy and myself crazy. Every positive thing he said made me hope we'd get back together only for him to tell me he didn't thinkit was going to work. We ceased all contact and all of a sudden something happended. I got on with my life. I went back to life as normal, nothing extreme out with friends, working on various ministries at church going to work andout of the blue out popped my now husband. I was so consumed with the first guy because I 'knew' he was the one that I had on blinders to everything else. I couldn't see anythign past him. Even when I wasn't 'pushing' I was concentrating so hard on not pushing until I was still completely focused on Him. I had to let him go completely and believe that if it were meant to be for us it would happen, if our paths were to cross again it would happen but meanwhile I needed to be free of the whole situation and to begin to live again.<BR>I am happily married to a man I know I wouldn't have considered if the first guy were inthepicture even as a friend.

I came across another thread very similar to yours but the author was a man. Take a look at some of the advice others had for him <BR> <A HREF="http://forums.crosswalk.com/scripts/webx.dll?13@202.iiYxavNEnu6^2@.ee8a640/0" TARGET=_blank>http://forums.crosswalk.com/scripts/webx.dll?13@202.iiYxavNEnu6^2@.ee8a640/0</A> <P>

I am in the same boat - sorta. I have been marriead 13 months and am nine months pregnant. My husband and I haven't ever reallly gotten that chance to "act married" because of finances I had to leave for 2-3 weeks at a time to another state to work. We haven't ever gotten the chance to know eachother and now he tell me that he has been unhappy for the past 6 months and he doesn't see us together in the future. He wants to be part of the baby's life and to be at the birth and everything. He says he still loves me but not "in love". Along with the weeks of seperation we have also had to deal with him getting a new but highly streeful job and our apt burning down. I wonder myself how much I should hold on or just let him go and hope that God leads him back to me and our baby. We have talked a little bit about it and he keeps saying that he can't make any decisions right now and he hasn't totally made up his mind - that he wants to wait until after the baby is born. As of right now he doesn't see an "us" in the furure but he can't say for sure, at the same time he says he doesn't want to give me false hopes. So, I guess the question both of us want to know is how tightly do we hold on and does it just end up pushing them farther away?? I wish you lots of luck!!!