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Joined: Nov 2000
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My girlfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago, and at first i couldn't really accept it (typical me) and then was angry at her, then wanted another chance but she would not give it to me. She met someone about the time she broke up with me (convenient?), but told me that she has felt our relationship has been going downhill for the last 6 months - we moved in together about 3-4 months ago. I didn't understand and went through a lot of anguish over this for many weeks. I am seeing a therapist now and it helps, but i am still in love with her, even more so than before because of the information i found on Marriagebuilders which answered a lot of questions for me. We work together, so i see her often, have lunch with her about 3 times a week and we talk a lot about everyday things and moreso relationships and understanding them. We are both young, and i am her first "real" boyfriend, so we often discover things together and learn at the same time as far as what is right, what we like and don't like, etc.. We are talking about this even more now, but she is still with him. Okay, maybe she needs experience with other people to find out what she needs, and i wouldn't have it any other way now that i realize it- i want her to choose me when she knows for sure what she wants, then we can get married. In the past I was very scared of marriage and told her no all the time when it came up, but after Marriagebuilders i understand things much better, and am sharing these ideas with her. I guess what i want to know is what do i do? When i told her my feelings (before seeing the shrink) i scared her with my depression and etc., and she thought i wanted too much from her and that she broke off everything and owes me nothing now. That hurt, but i got over it and let go. I still love her immensely though but am not sure what to do if anything. Let her play out this trivial relationship she jumped into with this guy and just wait for her to realize how i am changing for the better?? I feel like we are starting our relationship over from the beginning where we share our thoughts and dreams for the future, but in a more mature way. I am scared though if i do anything it will be wrong and i will lose her completely, but then againg if i do nothing she might just drift away... Frustrating..<P>------------------<BR>"For I am mortal, and if you cleave to me, Evenstar, then the twilight you must renounce..."

Joined: May 2000
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How young are you? What is your counselor doing to help you cope with this? Is it working? <P>I think you would feel better if you had more control over the situation (of course "control" does not mean you will get everything you want, but it will give you a hand in the way things work out). Actually, you do have some control. You control, to some degree, how she perceives you. If you show her a strong, capable person the stories you told her that you thought scared her, might not be so intimidating. If you showed her that you like her, but don't need her, she might wonder what it is about you that makes you so cocky. <P>Dating is different than marriage. Once you are married, I hope you already have that commitment and security with each other. In dating, you are still building those things, and I hate to sound manipulative, but sometimes it takes a little game playing to let the other person know how desirable we are. I don't mean doing malicious things, but when we aren't so consumed with people, they tend to be more interested and available.

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I am 29, but even though I have been in quite a few relationships I still consider myself to be immature as far as knowing what to do and how to do it (emotional needs, and conflict situations in particular). My therapist helps me by letting me talk to her about what I am feeling but I don't think she can help me completely with what I am going through. Control would help probably, she most likely feels like I am needy and fragile emotionally (and she would be right), but her selfishness has come to rescue her- she thinks about herself and tries to avoid anything uncomfortable (me). I have been trying my best to not make her uncomfortable but she has been slowly going back on everything she said earlier at the breakup- said she would be there for me, but now she has broken off most communication, said she would talk and be friends, would come over to visit. I understand that they are probably increasingly hard for her, but she is going further away and fear she will be gone. It is hard when I still love her. <BR>What things in particular would you suggest as ways of showing her that I am interesting or worthwhile? I have thought about dating, even signed up for a few dating websites.

Joined: Jun 2000
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Go to this page:<BR> <A HREF="http://www2.oneplace.com/Ministries/Focus_on_the_Family/Archives.asp" TARGET=_blank>http://www2.oneplace.com/Ministries/Focus_on_the_Family/Archives.asp</A> <P>on the page click on these sections to listen to them:<P>Solomon on Romance I<BR>Solomon on Romance II <P>They will give you a good oversight about dating, it is a very good resource which all of us should hear, married or single.<P>Hope this helps,<BR>James<P>

Joined: Dec 2000
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As a man, I have been in the same situation and I handled it in a wrong fashion. I am not an expert I will only give you my views. <BR>First and foremost congratulations for doing a lot of changes within yourself. Leave her alone, friendship is good enough. Allow her to visit and all of that good stuff, it seems that from your post she still likes you very much, although she is with someone. The catch here is she misses some of the things you guys were doing together. Just don't push her or push things, just be a very good friend to her and try to engage in the things that ya used to do together.<P>Don't over concentrate in getting her back, its not a good strategy at all. Rather concentrate on making yourself better, if she sees the new you and she likes it, she will make a transition back to you. At this time give her space to get over the new guy, seek counseling together and if you're ready to take extra step, i.e marriage, go ahead.<P>On the contrary after sometime if it seems she is still not interested in the new you. Please for christ sake, don't be miserable, go out and date (the right one's though). Maybe, its better the two of you split and later on perhaps get back together. <P>I don't know how this might help, I hope it does. <P>Good Luck<BR>Real123


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