I need some input. But bear with me because the story is a bit long:<BR>My fiance and I have been together for 4 years and have lived together for almost 3. It would have been more but we were seperated for almost a year (not by choice). We became "officially" engaged this month and the wedding is set for May 2001.<BR>Our relationship has had its major ups and downs. First the down: he had problems with his nasty ex a few years before which got him in trouble with credit card fraud. He told me about it a year into our relationship (didn't say anything before for fear I'd leave him) and I was shocked but decided to support him. He was made to get a probabtion officer who had him stay at a halfway house (he was still able to go to work) and start paying back the creditors as his punishment. Anyway, he ended up lying about the hours he worked so he could get through it quicker. The people that worked there were nasty! (One time they threatned to arrest me because I got into it with one of the workers. She was black and threatned to hit me because one of the other guys that worked there made an offending remark to me and I said something to him about it, and she walked in on it). Can you imagine? I actually should have called the police on them! Other instances happened, because he lied and supposedly missed a court date (which we were NOT notified of) he was sent to jail and then a small prison camp on an army base for 9 months. He was diagnosed manic depressive which would have explained his irrational behavior before but no one in the medical field seems to be very educated on that so he kept getting the wrong meds and treated unfairly. One very prominent psychiatrist at the trial offered to treat him for free if they didn't send him to jail, he thought it was the wrong decision. Through this ordeal we had to deal with the disappointment of our families (my Dad especially, he's a lawyer) and being treated just awful by the the govenment people. They made me feel just as guily as my boyfriend, just because I was a visitor. It was an awful ordeal, and many times I thought to break it off but I just couldn't leave him alone because I love him and I was committed to sticking it out. ANYWAY...we made it through. We would have gotten married sooner if it wasn't for this ordeal. So now after a year he's in Management at a great job (his boss knows about his probation period which ends next Oct.) and they just love him there. He gives 110% at work and gets 110% back. We both have good jobs right now and everything seemed fine until I started planning the wedding. (I began last August before our official engagement). We have, in the past, been in nasty arguments and I thought about leaving, but we work it out eventually. We are also set up for some pre-marital counseling. I have felt some very cold feet lately though. I was so caught up in the wedding planning that I forgot about the marriage. I'm scared that we would be better unmarried than married. I don't know why because we are totally committed to one another and we can count on each other in rought times. He's been my best friend. But sometimes the arguements we get into are so frequent and so stupid but they still hurt. At times I feel like I can't do anything right! Can't cook, can't clean right...blah, blah, blah. Because he's a damn perfectionist. We both like things clean and neat but he over does it sometimes. I'm just afraid our expectations will change after marriage and we hardley ever have sex. In the beginning, we were like rabbits. (Could it be an underlying lack of trust or the birth control I've been on or something deeper?) I've also started thinking about a guy I had relations with a few years ago. He's from New York, we met in Spain. He's Jewish, very successful, has a passion for travel like I do. (At one time I thought HE was my soul-mate). But that's all over now. And I think that was an indication of something missing with my fiance. My finace doesn't care about travel like I do, that's another thing, but that's not it. All this will come up in pre-marital counseling but I'm afraid we'll just find out that we're better off unmarried than husband and wife. Its all so FINAL but what we've already been through hell and made it so what is my problem??<BR>

THe first thing that I would like to say to you is why is it important to us that the person that you had an arguement with at the boarding home was black. I was offended by that statement.<P>But moving on to other things, you and your fiance seriuosly need to think about what you wnat to do. Couselling is a must. If you are argueing so much now do you sincerley believe that it is going to get better as time goes on?<P>Also if all that your fiance did was credit card fraud, why did he get such a harsh punsihment? My father is manic depressive and I will tell you that the speding sprees a quite common. I would never have chosen this for myself, but that is my father and I did not have a choice in that. <P>Also if you are thinking about someone else that may be better than what you have, you probably will not stop just because you marry him. I am not the happiest with my husbans, but I am pretty sure that I could never find someone like him, so I stay with him. Love will go out the window if your needs are not being met.<BR>I do not know you whole situation, but by what you have said, the answer to your question would be unmarried.<P>What my friends have done to me lately is say, if this were me telling you this how would you react. So how would you react if I were the one telling you this. What advice would you give me?

Hi! I hear what you are saying. He has been a tough cookie to swallow, and you have put up with your share of the load from him. Now, as things are getting closer to the wedding, you are noticing he is critical, wants things to be perfect, and you are not sure what to do! So, your thoughts start to roam back to some hunky Jewish guy, and this makes you feel better for awile, and dream...<P>Sounds like you are having cold feet there, hon!<P>And, rightfully so.<P>Hey, soon enough, you will understand that there should never be expectations thrown on a spouse. At least notify them of what you expect! I mean, the same consideration is "expected" in the work force, no? <BR>I mean, I don't know too many jobs where you go in, and make all your own rules and do whatever you want and no one tells you otherwise. And hey, while you are at it, you tell your co-workers what to do as well...sounds a little silly, huh?<P>Look at your future husband as a business partner. You are about to embark on an endeavor where you will be making a contract to spend the rest of your lives together through thick and thin. And let me tell you, there is plenty of thin to go around. IF you make it through the early years, you have a good go at it. I work in a setting where I see a lot of elderly people, and heck, I honestly have no clue as to how they maintain love for each other. Half the time they are sick, or can't go out, or are depressed cause everyone is dying, and hey, having a wrinkled old body doesnt lift the spirits either....I really commend those kinds of love, those are the keepers.<P>So, can you picture this, that your love is so faithful and true that no matter what, you both can survive it? DO you both feel this strength?<P>If you can answer yes, get married, and don't look back..<BR>But if you have doubts, I think it would be for the better to postpone the wedding and work on the issues that are scaring you so much.<P>Better safe and prepared then sorry and regretful.<P>Carina

Carina,<BR>Thank you so much! I think you are very right. At this moment, the shoe is on the other foot. I'm okay with things and now HE has cold feet! We're spending a few days apart to think about it. But he keeps calling and tells me he loves me and misses me and frankly, I miss my best friend too! So we'll see how it goes. My family has been very supportive so either way, I think I'll be okay. But I love him so much, we just have recently figured out that it will be hard work but worth the benefits. Now, I just hope he's on the same page.