Hi, I'm new to this forum but I really need some advice and I'd like to know if anyone here has been in a similar situation. 2 years ago, when my boyfriend was in college he got drunk at a party and had sex with another girl. The next day, he called me and said he wanted us to "take a break", that he needed to sort some things out. At the time I didn't know what had happened, he ended up telling me a few months later. We've been together for nearly 6 years and we recently picked out my engagement ring. I want to marry him more than anything in the world, I just wish I could stop thinking about that one night. I know deep down that he won't let it happen again, and that he is very sorry and that it hurts him to know that he did that to me. I don't know if part of the reason it still bothers me is because he is the only one I've ever been with sexually, and I was his only one also, untill this happened. Sometimes I want to talk to him about it, but I hate to bring it up, because I know he doesn't like to talk about it. I guess if he were going out drinking & partying like he was when it happened, then I wouldn't have a problem bringing it up....but he's been wonderful ever since. Sorry that I'm rambling, I just need other peoples opinions on things like this. Thanks everyone.

Do not marry him until you have this resolved. marriage tends to make problems bigger, not smaller. I'd suggest you do some counseling together to resolve this.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi

Skibunny, thanks for posting. Your situation is apparently not as unique as I once thought. You may want to read the post under this topic entitled "CAN'T DEAL WITH WIFES PAST." Obviously, the tables are turned because you are a female, but I think both sexes hurt the same in your situation.<P>My wife had a "few" one-night stands while we were dating. Unfortunately for me, I found out about this some 13 years after the fact. My "D-Day" was October 13, 2000. My wife and I dated for 2 years prior to marriage. In our first year I attended college in a different town than her. She thought that I was cheating on her so she decided to act out on her thoughts and cheat on me. Little did she know at that time that I was completely faithful. I too was a virgin when my wife and I started dating. My wife tried to tell me about her indescretions prior to our marriage, but only told me that she had kissed another guy. She was afraid that I would have broke off the engagement. That would have been a good possibility. Lucky for us we still got married.<P>I agree with Kathi, you two need to deal with this prior to marriage. In my situation, finding out about it after 13 years has severly hurt me and to some extent my marriage. My wife and I are trying our best to deal with the past and hopefully someday it will become a distant memory. You need to ask yourself if you can ever let go of your feelings. If you cannot, then you need to seriously reconsider marrying your fiance. I have decided to forgive my wife and move on. I could not imagine my life without her or her with someone else. Deep intense love between the two of you will get you through this. <P>My most important piece of advice is that YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS WITH YOUR FIANCE. Only then can you move forth.<P>Good luck.

Hey, I'm in a situation similar to your own. Although my fiance hasn't cheated on me since we've been together (to my knowledge), she had five previous sexual partners before me and it still really bothers me. (I recently posted a more lengthy response in "CAN'T DEAL WITH WIFE'S PAST"). I understand where you're coming from. My fiance was my first and I was her SIXTH! It really gets to me sometimes and I often question how much real trust I have in her. Will the ease with which she got involved with so many guys in the past (some of them quite casually) make it easy for her to get involved with someone when we're married? She also gets very upset when I bring it up, but sometimes I feel like I have to just to keep from going crazy! Deep down I also feel like she wouldn't do such a thing once she was married, but the doubt still lingers.<P>I really understand how the fact that you're engaged now makes you start thinking about this even more. My free time has increased greatly since getting engaged, so maybe I just have more time to think about it now. But it might also be due to the fact that we're engaged now, and I'm more concerned about it. Who knows. I feel like we've each got a choice here. We either accept it and go on with everything, or we come to the realization that this will be something that always bothers us and break off the engagement. I personally can't imagine doing that, so I think for me I just need to find a healthy way to deal with it. I'm also trying to be realistic though and truly see if it's something that will always bother me. <P>I hope you're doing better! Keep posting as it helps all of us!<P>

Hi Ski-<P>Sounds like alot of pain with seemingly no resolve. What I read in your prose is that your BF did this a couple of years ago resulting in confused emotions. His calling you to "take a break" and "sort things out" possibly meant that he was uncertain of your relationship and possibly scared because he had conflicting emotions. He obviously was shook deeply by this, resulting in some soul searching and he trusted you to tell you and face the consequences, because you meant so much to him. Now, it is still there, still haunting you and even though he doesn't like to talk about it, you need to. It seems to me that you obviously did not come to a point in your heart of forgiveness because it still is an issue. Did he think you did? It sounds like a hurt that could fester like any wound without treatment. The situation surrounding the incident does not excuse the fact that he *cheated* on you. You had been together for 4 years, and this happened. Your concern that it may happen again can only be alleviated by his words and actions, and your trust in him. Until you can lay this to rest, not saying that you will forget it, it will continue to be an issue. Is this really how you want your marriage to begin? Always wondering that this will happen when he gets drunk? Read up on Harley's and Gottman's studies etc...maybe even talk with a counselor yourself to find out if there are any underlying reasons why you can't get past this also. Will he go to counseling with you? Also, you didn't mention if you accepted the ring..... <P>I find it interesting to read your tale here, since my situation is so different. My BF/STBH is divorced and there are still have *old strings* with it that come up. (Business issues, taxes etc...) Needless to say, the XW is a *ghost* that appears from time to time. At first, I was very insecure about everything when ghosts appeared. Shook to the core at times. But making certain that he knew the effect it had on me made the difference, and made us closer then and now. We both bring *pasts* into the future here, so trust, caring and open discussions are a *must*. <P>I'm telling you this little tale so that you know there are many people with similar tales to tell. You are not alone although you may feel that way. Feeling insecure, uncertain and scared are normal. Opening up and talking about them are a must! Think of the future as well as the past, will you be happy with or without him? Until you confront and deal with the issue, you will not know. <BR> <BR>Good luck to you! <P>G<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>The only way out is to go through<BR>- Robert Frost

My soon-to-be-ex slept with my best friend while we were dating.<P>We talked about it, got everything out in the open before marrying. But, I have to wonder if I ever got past it.....still not sure, especially with all the old wounds that our divorce has been opening up.<P>Definitely go and talk to someone about this. A counselor with a religious attitude would be good. Discuss what asking for forgiveness means, and what forgiving means.<P>Ideally, this should be something that the two of you are able to set behind you and never look at again. Because there will never be any reason to ever look at it again. [Ideally.]<P>Realistically --- Is he having to make (sub?)conscious effort to change for you? Which is natural for him - the partying, or being wonderful? Is he trying to do what he feels is 'right' (because he feels guilty for hurting you) vs. what he really wants to do?<P>Hard questions. I don't have the answers. But the two of you should really consider looking into these things.<P>Pre-marital counseling may be a good idea. <P>I truly hope that he's really sorry for what he did, and that you are able to really forgive him. To set it aside once and for all....forever. And move on to a wonderful marriage.<P>Good Luck,<BR>~Amy

Dear Skibunny,<BR>I'm compelled to reply to you. It makes me think of things in the past that bother meabout my husband of one year. I can guarantee that if his past behavior bothers you now, it will bother you when you are married. I am concerned that you are afraid to talk to him about this. We are talking about marriage here - not a trip to the grocery store. This is your LIFE you choose how you will live it. You must be able to talk to your husband to be about ANYTHING without being afraid. Believe me, more important issues wil develop, and if you can't talk about it, your marriage will fail.<BR>I would be bothered if my boyfriend slept with someone and wasn't man enough to tell the truth until months later.<BR>It's ok to be bothered by the fact you've only been with him, and now he's been with you AND another woman. There ARE people in the world who choose to marry a partner who is faithful to them. My question to you is: Do you trust him? Do you trust him to tell you the truth about what happened? He owes you that - afterall HE betrayed YOU. If you can accept his talk with you as the truth, and can live with what happend - you can marry him. If you cannot let it go, or are not satisfied by him helping you to process it by talking it over - let him go.<BR>However, it IS your life.<BR>Tinsey<BR>

Hi everyone. I want to thank you all for your advice! I just wanted to clear some things up....my boyfriend and I aren't actually engaged yet, but I think he's bought the ring and going to ask me within the next few months.<BR>Amy (I think it was Amy) asked which behavior is more natural for him, the partying or being "wonderful". The answer is definatly NOT the partying! When this occured, he was living on a college campus with 5 other guys and they were always going to, or having a party. So at that time I think he just got caught up in the "college partying" life that so many people do when they're 21 years old. Now he lives off campus (thank God) and rarely gets drunk. He may go out for a few beers with "the guys" but nothing too terrible. I can honestly say that I DO trust him, but as some of you know, that ONE NIGHT will almost always be there in my mind. One thing I worry about is that when we *do* finally get engaged & his friends throw a bachelor party for him....now that scares me. Anyone have more advice? Please post away!

Ski- I believe that people "can" change. I found out after I was married and 6 months pregnant that my H had cheated (2 days before we "took a break") and has a child from it. Since we "got back together" he has been a model BF/H. But it took a long time for him to admit that he did cheat. He was scared that I would leave him. So he lied. I simply said, "you either tell me the truth now and maybe I'll stay with you or wait till we go to court and I find out on my own and I WILL leave you." He finally confessed, but still won't tell me anything about it. I don't completely trust him, but I do believe that he won't do it again. He had to learn his lesson the hard way. And now we have to pay for it. But, if I would have know about it before we got married I would not have married him. As much as I loved him. From talking on the forum to people in the same situation, the feelings never go away. They will fade over time. If you love him and trust him, marry him. I am glad I didn't know before I got married. Otherwise I would not have my son.